But now, as any hockey parent knows, we are getting into the Season of the Unknown. This time of year is when it starts and it won’t be over until tryouts are done and your child has a spot on a team. It is now when the coaches start to hint as to whether your child has what it takes, is on the bubble, or may need to start looking elsewhere. It can be very stressful for parents and for kids as you ride the wave looking ahead but not always sure what the future holds.
My husband and I are a bit divided about this. Yes, it is stressful. I don’t like the unknown. But I also see it as an opportunity. My husband? Not so much. He thinks it is too stressful for a kid and too much pressure. I feel that this is a great opportunity for kids to learn about a) choices b) disappointment and c) hard work. I don’t like the fact that my guy wants to stay on his team but may not make it back next year. I want him to have what he wants. However, life is not like that and why not learn it now when he has a soft place to fall?
Don’t get me wrong, I think my son should make it back to his team next year because, well, in my unbiased opinion, he’s awesome. But I’m no hockey expert so I can’t say how the coaches see it. He, like most of the kids, have been told there are things he needs to work on so we have had lots of chats about whether he thinks he can do these things and whether he wants to put in the work necessary to getting them done. He has decided he can and he does. What a great opportunity to prove to himself that he is capable. This is about him. This is about taking constructive feedback and making a choice. Do you listen or not? Do you value the feedback or not? Do you want to work hard to do what it takes or not? Do you want to risk disappointment or not? These are real life lessons that my boy gets to practice now. We will support him regardless but the decision has to be his.
My son chose to play competitive sports so now he has to deal with the reality. If he can’t or doesn’t want to then that is OK too. He has learned something. But if he does then he has learned that he is capable and a whole slew of other wonderful things too. The reason I feel that a little pressure, a little competition, and a little responsibility are all good is because he will learn so much about himself and his abilities and what makes him happy now so he won’t be stuck figuring it out as an adult. My husband, on the other hand, is worried. He’s worried that it’s too much pressure, competition, responsibility, and, potentially, disappointment for a kid. He will have to deal with these things in adulthood, why put it on a child?
So, we talk to our son and use him as the compass. For now, he wants to do it. He says he is prepared to deal with all of it and feels confident in his ability to cope whatever direction this goes in. We support him and will be there as a soft place should he fall.
Interesting questions Jen. My girls are too young for this situation to apply but it made me think of a post on another blog I was reading recently. http://nurturedbylove.blogspot.com/2010/01/building-character.html
You could replace “school” with “organized sports” in the opening quote and I think it would apply. I’m not sure where I stand. Maybe somewhere in the middle. I do think that kids need to learn to work hard and be responsible and be able to use constructive criticism. I wonder when it is appropriate though. I think that when won’t necessarily be tied to age but will definitely be older than 7 (the age of reason).
Recently my class has been working on report writing (for the past 2 months actually as it’s a school goal). I sit down with them for a conference after each report and we go over strengths and areas for improvement. I see their little faces fall when we discuss how to improve and I wonder, does this help?. Are they not developmentally ready to have this discussion? On the other hand, I certainly don’t believe in saying “good job” for every little thing a child does.
Something else that comes to mind is Episode 3 of The Brains of Babes, a three part series on Ideas (available as a podcast). It talks about Dandelion & Orchid children. Dandelion’s thrive in almost any environment but Orchids need extra care and attention. So maybe it also depends on the temperament of the child.
Tough questions. In the end, you and your husband know your son the best and need to help him navigate this situation as best he can. And knowing the two of you, you will do a great job.