My friends are incredibly important to me. Not only am I an extrovert, gaining energy from being social, but I depend on my friends to bounce ideas off of, share parenting challenges with, and provide an ear and a shoulder when necessary. Especially now since losing one of my best friends, my mom, earlier this year.
But friendships are complicated. Especially once you have kids. Especially when your kids are friends with their kids. And even more especially when your kids grow apart. In my experience, no matter how hard you try, some friendships can not survive this dynamic.
Recently a friend and I had a disagreement. OK, it was an outright fight. All way over the top emotional and far too personal. The worst part is that it took place over email. A little tip, NEVER have an argument over email. Even it you don’t mean to imply something you might. And you are a lot more likely to say more than you would in person. The chances of it getting out of hand are pretty much 100% and I certainly should have known better. Especially when the issue is not yours but your kids’.
I am not at all proud of the way I dealt with this and I am sure the other mom would agree. Luckily, we have mended fences and promised each other and ourselves that next time, should there be one, we will deal with it more maturely and in person. The problem is that when it is your child it is so hard to be anything but the Mama Bear, defending and overprotective, even if the situation doesn’t merit that reaction.
The truth is that the issue between our kids was far less of an issue for them. They moved on within minutes while we couldn’t let it go. I see this happening around me all the time, moms knowing too much, asking too many questions, and getting far too involved in the social lives of their children. I am happy to say that it rarely happens to me but this one was a doozy.
So, from now on I am going to keep my nose out of it and let my kids fight their battles and make their own decisions. Some of their decisions will be bad ones and they will lose some of their battles and sometimes it will be heart-wrenching, but it is not my place. I will be there for them as a support as they navigate their way through life. And one day they will thank me, as I did my own parents. Because one day they will be confident, self-sufficient, responsible adults capable of making good decisions and trusting in their own ability to do so. They will be this way because they have had experience, practice at a time when the stakes aren’t quite so high. This, after all, is my job as a parent. Not to protect them from everything hard and hurtful but to help them face it with courage and conviction.
Btw, this is a fabulous book Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children.
perhaps you have heard of the modern Kinect? Its definitely awesome! I never had much fun playing mmorpgs before, eventhough I will call myself a new hardcore player this usually plays video games like Call of Duty and the like. The Kinect is just so different than other things I have previously played before. the motion controles work really well, and plus, but not the need to use a controller to experience is the personification regarding freedom! No bothersome button smashing yeast infection, a single word is enough! You should think about getting some sort of Kinect!.
Zune and iPod: Most people compare the Zune to the Touch, but after seeing how slim and surprisingly small and light it is, I consider it to be a rather unique hybrid that combines qualities of both the Touch and the Nano. It’s very colorful and lovely OLED screen is slightly smaller than the touch screen, but the player itself feels quite a bit smaller and lighter. It weighs about 2/3 as much, and is noticeably smaller in width and height, while being just a hair thicker.
OK, this is waaaaaaaaaay off topic but “My name is Marianne and I do my daughter’s homework”. I just can’t help it. I know I need an intervention. Just thought I’d share.
So true, Margot. I LOVE that line from Nemo. Dory is SO wise.
Another movie filled with great quotes and parenting lessons is The Incredibles. Two of my favourite quotes from that movie are:
Helen Parr (to her son): “Everyone’s special, Dash.”
Dash: “Which is another way of saying no one is.”
(SO true!)
“They keep creating new ways to celebrate mediocrity.”
Not so relevant to this topic but I thought I’d share.
Jen, I know it sounds silly but this post reminded me of Finding Nemo. When Dory says to Marlin “Well, you can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo.”
Such a hard lesson to learn as a parent, & I think we can learn it, but not always put it into practice. No matter how old our kids are.
You are so right about email. You should never talk through anything on email. Especially when you don’t have the other person’s emotional clues to gauge your responses on. I also find that my sisters and I do so much over email, we never have those phone calls anymore that lead to lots of details and info about tons of things. Remember the days of phoning a friend to confirm coffee and ending up on the phone for hours. Love those. Email is great for information but not for communication.
Jen
I sympathize and you are lucky that you and your friend have been able to work it out. It’s hard not to be the mama bear….but as you pointed out – it’s not worth it. Not only does it affect the way adults treat you (friends or not) it curbs your child’s faith in their ability to make their own decisions.
So good for you for posting this – too many parents are too involved in fighting their child’s battles.
Take Care,
Trish
I can SO relate to this. I could have written this post. I have said things to another mom via email that were less than appropriate or even mature. Email is way too easy. My rule is now I will never ever respond to an email in anger. Instead, I will pick up the phone. LATER, when I have calmed down 😉 Hard lesson to learn…
I love the last line. I hope that I can remember that as my little guy goes through all the adventures life has to offer him.