Today was weird. I had a strange conversation with a woman at Starbucks. First of all, you should know that Starbucks is like my Cheers. I walk in and the baristas wave. They know my name and my drink (grande non-fat no water Tazo chai) without me saying a word. I thank them, by name, and chat about what’s going on in their lives and mine. Then I find a comfy seat and while I’m there, I see neighbours and friends and wave and chat.
And their always glad you came.
You know? Anyway, so I was sitting outside enjoying a patch of sunlight, my drink and the newspaper when a few women I sort of know stopped to say “hello”. We got chatting about back-to-school, the crazy schedules, hockey season, etc. when one of the moms I don’t know very well said, “I cherish my role as wife and mother but I find it difficult to manage all of my wifely duties with this crazy schedule”. I admit, I let out a little giggle when she said “wifely duties” because, come on, isn’t it 2009? To be honest I laughed because I thought she was talking about, um, SEX. It just seemed odd and, well, funny. But I was not prepared for her reaction. She spun around and stared at me and said, she actually SAID to me, “oh, so I guess you’re one of those women”. “Um, I dunno.” I sputtered. “Am I?”
Well, I shouldn’t have because that set her off on this tirade about THOSE WOMEN. She said she was sick of being judged by these (insert daggers) “so-called modern women”. I was totally gobsmacked. I mean, this is Toronto. The Big City. I didn’t even know people like this still existed here. Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled that she “cherishes her role as wife to her husband”. So do I, I guess. But, I don’t define myself by it and frankly, some of the things she said scared the sh** out of me.
Really, I was embarrassed. At first because my little giggle had caused this outburst but then I was embarrassed for her because she was so over-the-top defensive and because she made a huge scene and her friends were beyond mortified trying to calm her down and apologizing for her. Then, I was just bored with it and thought she was beyond annoying and self-righteous. Good for her for believing in something so strongly but hey, lay off.
So, in case you are wondering if you too are one of THOSE WOMEN I have compiled a list which I managed to glean from her tantrum. Check it out:
THOSE WOMEN:
- Do not cook for their husbands and if they do, they don’t like it and complain about it and even (No!) make their husbands cook sometimes.
- Work outside the home abandoning their husbands and children.
- Have cleaning ladies and nannies and Girls Night Out.
- Have forgotten (or never cared about or never understood) their marriage vows.
- Act like men.
- Threaten the reputation of every true wife and mother everywhere else in the world.
So ladies, I guess I am one of them. Let’s check just to make sure:
- I abhor cooking but, thankfully, my husband likes it.
- I have a cleaning lady.
- I work.
- I understand now and have always understood my marriage vows and I take them very seriously. But they didn’t include the word “obey” or “wifely duties” (snicker), they consisted of words like “love” and “for better or worse” and “partnership”.
- I don’t think I act like a man but I have a feeling she might disagree.
But really, enough silliness. I don’t understand how my little giggle made her feel so threatened. I admire women who are different than me and I enjoy learning from them. It’s too bad she couldn’t have let go of some of the defensiveness so we could have, maybe, gotten to know each other a bit before she decided I was the enemy.
This made me so mad, I had to add to it…I would LOVE to stay at home, but can’t, as I am the major “provider”. My husband works evenings so we can save on the cost of day care. We share in our chores (ie. partnership, right?) & if I don’t feel like cooking – I don’t. My husband doesn’t cook either so that’s take out or frozen meals a few times a week for us. As soon as my youngest is in school I am getting a cleaning lady ASAP! Oh ya – I will NEVER give up my girl’s night out!!!
After my 40 hour work week I still manage to take my kids to the park, swimming lessons, Greek school, and we even have time to play before bed.
So…I guess all this makes me a man? I just feel sorry for women like that because they usually don’t know any better, are insecure, and mostly too afraid to waver from their “domestic bliss”. What will they do when their kids are teenagers & don’t really need them as much, or GOD forbid, the husband cheats, leaves, or dies?
Wow! You know, I’ve been both a working mom and a stay-at-home mom, and they are both challenging in different ways.
When I was a working Mom, I was the recipient of a very sly, negative comment from a stay at home Mom that I chose to ignore – but I remember saying to myself – “Wow! That is someone that isn’t happy with their life at all!” I have friends that work and friends that stay home – and we all try to support each other in different ways. I wish women could stop this age-old infighting and learn to support one another.
Good post Jen.
I agree with Erin…I’m baffled by how we women can be so judgmental of each other. I learned a long time ago that each marriage has a unique dynamic, and it’s not up to anybody to judge another couple (or person) based on the roles they play within their relationship (barring abuse, of course). I love to cook, and I do it MUCH better than my husband. So I cook. But I DETEST vacuuming and, frankly, I WILL. NOT. DUST. So he does.
And as for the “working” bit…that just pisses me off. Thousands of women (and men!) would love to work less and spend more time with their families, but most simply can’t. I hate when women judge women about working.
Sounds like this particular woman has a pretty specific list of acceptable behaviours…most likely many of the women like her (stay-at-home in a wealthy neighbourhood) have nannies and cleaning women simply because they can afford it and – hey, wouldn’t they rather be playing tennis at the Granite Club?
Grrr…
This sounds like the same kind of discussion that I overhear between my four year old daughter and her friends. “If you like football you can’t play with us. We like playing princess”. I really hope she and her friends evolve, hone their social skills and develop the ability to appreciate others’ differences…sounds like your friend hasn’t!
I hate to say it, but this seems to be a “girl” thing that becomes a “woman” thing. The male gender doesn’t seem to have these hang-ups.
Whew… When you said one of “Those Women” I thought you had perhaps needed to take up a new form of employment… you know… one of “those women” who hang out on the corner. Or perhaps you had started an extramarital relationship. I thought I might have to unfriend you on FB or something drastic like that.
But your just one of us…. so we can still be friends. 😉
Wow Jen, that doesn’t sound like much fun.
I wonder if she feels like she is being judged by “modern” moms. Sounds like she probably has some insecurities around that. I often wonder why women are so hard on one another. If one is happy and fulfilled, it shouldn’t matter what “kind” of woman one is (assuming one is not cruel and abusive toward others).
Sounds like she needs a little reassurance about her choices, or maybe she doubts them. Hard to say.
Regardless of her motivation/psychology, she still shouldn’t have reamed you out.
Hope your evening was better.
Erin