My kids and their cousins adore each other. If you told them that their moms are tired of the bickering, teasing, and fighting they would be shocked. They think it is a giant love-fest full of fun and laughter. I’m happy about this and I realize now to my utter surprise that it was probably like this when I was a kid hanging out with my cousins too. Luckily, I only have the fondest memories of our time together. My god, how did my parents stand it?!
My sister and I have tried everything from threats and bribes to separation (which under the circumstances is limited), over-parenting and ignoring. None of it makes any difference. And my head hurts from trying. When I can I put the onus back on them to fix it but sometimes I get a crying kid (or my sister does) and the issue has to be addressed. I spoke to my son, the eldest, about being a leader and sometimes giving the younger ones a break. However, when the usual culprit is his overly competitive 6-year-old sister this strategy fails miserably.
What do you do about a 6-year-old who has to win EVERY time?! Who can’t stand to look silly or small? I’m stumped. I’ve tried giving her examples of my many failures – problem is, I’m not the one she is trying so hard to beat. It is her brother and he just can’t let her have it. I get it. I was a middle child so I see both sides but this is one parenting challenge I am not up for, especially under the current circumstances. I’m tired of spinning my wheels. I’m tired of being ineffective. I’ve read books, listened to parenting experts, talked exhaustively to other parents and consulted with my husband. We’ve tried to work with her. We continue to try. It still doesn’t seem to sink in.
The problem is, it holds her back. She is making it harder for herself. I don’t know what to do to help her see it that way. I don’t know what to do to help her to recognize her triggers so she can control her reaction before she does something or says something stupid. Because no matter what has happened, if she lashes out physically or screams at the top of her lungs, that is what people react to not what happened in the first place. See what I mean?
So please oh wise readers, help put this in perspective for me. I know I can’t control her behaviour but how can I help her help herself?
Thanks so much guys! I am just re-reading (for the millionth time) “Raising Your Spirited Child” by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka and it has some great tips. I think for me (and my husband) what we need to do is deal with our own feelings of embarrassment surrounding her outbursts so that we are not projecting that on her and making the problem worse. I’m going to really try!
Because she definitely deserves it. She is an amazing kid who is determined and strong and brave and loyal. These qualities, and many more, are the positive side of the coin and thanks to Lisa for reminding me!
Also, Kristine, I love your advice about charity work. For her birthday this year (we’ve been doing it with my son for years) she asked for money to give to a charity of choice instead of a gift. She chose The Canadian Cancer Society because of my mom but we looked at others like Right to Play and Sick Kids. Plus this year she will join my son helping at the foodbank at Christmas. A great lesson for any kid or adult and I never thought about it in this context.
Thanks again. I feel much better knowing I am not the only one!
Jen
Jen, I too have a competitive daughter and she sounds so similar. After much grief as well, I decided to take her to a place where she couldn’t be competitive. Volunteering for those less fortunate. Seeing kids and adults in situations outside of our “bubble” of where we live, go to school, and play, was eye opening and created a whole opportunity to learn and build empathatic skills. A competitive drive to win can be tempered, I believe, with a strong sense of empathy for those that “lose”. Competitiveness is a great skill to have but it’s even better when combined with empathy because that is what true leadership is. Focus on some activies where she can have the opportunity to see and help disabled or sick kids/adults. Perhaps in time, and with maturity, she will outgrow this streak. Tough if she has an older brother she wants to keep up with. Maybe he can work on reacting less which may help not getting her riled up?
Also, keep her focused in team sports vs. individual where she will learn to maybe take a backseat for the whole team to win etc. Just some thoughts from a very competitive person myself…growing up was hard but that empathy skill set helped temper my own drive and is also helping me with my daughter today. Good luck!
Sigh yes – been there, wanted that… 🙂
Ok – FWIW, here’s my two cents: let go.
I know you want great things for her – I know you want her to be resilient, to be capable, to be strong, to be in control and socially appropriate, but she is doing great on her own.
Think about what positive qualities is she showing? And then pay attention to those.
When she gets frustrated and comes to you, admire her perseverance. When she fails at something, admire her determination.
I’m sure also that you notice her getting triggered before she explodes. Consider intervening earlier to help her process what is going on.
Younger children (heck, any children) are naturally competitive – but even more so because they are trying to keep up with their older siblings. This will serve them well, so nurture her as she strives, and empathize with her when she’s upset. She will be more resilient by experiencing the full arc of the emotional ride.
This is, of course, not to say that you put up with her physically lashing out. She can be upset, and she can be disappointed, and she can be frustrated, but she cannot hurt others (people or things) through her actions as a result. Talk with her about how she is feeling – give her words – and help redirect her into a more socially appropriate way to demonstrate those emotions. She should not suppress them, but realize that they are normal and natural, and there are better ways to show them and talk about them.
And I’d like to really acknowledge you, the mom. It is clear that you care and that you have given this matter a great deal of thought and heart. You are a great role model for her. And as she sees that you let go, so will she, gradually over time.
All the best.
Sadly Jen, I think this is one of those ones she has to get through herself. Only with age (and don’t ask me what that age is) will come the wisdom to understand how her own behaviour is holding her back. It’s going to be painful for you to watch (and listen to) but I think this is one of those situations where no amount of advice, cajoling, screaming, threatening, bribing or other parental trick is going to do it. She just has to learn it for herself. Hang in there, and good luck!
I’ve got an only so have not had to deal with this. However… I was one of 3 kids growing up… the oldest. Reading this reminds me of my childhood. My mother and father who were both only children did not really understand all of the sibling rivalry stuff at all.
“Stop crying or I’ll give you all something to cry about.” I suppose by saying that they forced us to unite against them If we did not fix the problem we would all end up stuck in our rooms for 20 minutes, or what ever other devious plan they could come up with to discipline us. (They got creative as we got older… my 16 year old hung over brother once had to snake out the drain to the septic system at 6 am. Fortunately my sister and I were not part of that situation! )
Not sure this is the best parenting tip. But we’ve all grown up to be fairly successful adults, no major psychological scars. Use it or not it’s up to you. Sometimes you just do what you can to save your own sanity! What advice does your mom have?
You’ve just described my regular morning with my 5year old daughter and her dealings with my 8 year old son. I’ve been debating installing rubber walls so that when I bounce my head off them trying to come up with a solution, it doesn’t hurt so much.
I would love to help but have a 5 year old son who sounds exactly the same! Please, if you do get some good advice pass it along. My son has almost brought me to tears on many occasions.