How involved should we be in our children's social lives? Check out the latest Mom's The Word Video Podcast and let me know what you think.
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I agree that we need to let our children make their own choices as to who their friends are, and with appropriate guidance they will hopefully make good choices. I will, however, not allow my children to have friends over for playdates if their friends have broken our house rules – we don’t have many, but they are deal breakers. For example, the six year old who lied to my face when my daughter was honest was not allowed back, and I explained to my daughter why. I didn’t tell her she couldn’t be friends with her any more, but she figured out for herself why it wasn’t a good idea. I expect my children’s friends to be respectful – my teenage daughter’s friend, on more than one occasion, tried telling me that I ‘had’ to allow my daughter to do something. I explained to my daughter that I didn’t appreciate her friends telling me what to do. When my son was interested in a girl I wasn’t fond of, I explained that I couldn’t tell him not to see her, but that she had shown very poor judgment in the past, and he had to be careful not to get caught up in it because her behaviour was unacceptable to me. Like most things, communication is key – keep talking to your kids (even the teenagers) about making good choices. You can set a good foundation to guide them, but you can’t make their choices for them.
Great point, Kath. Although some friendships can be really tough and even hurtful, the lessons learned are invaluable.
Ah! I just posted a super-long comment and then it went bye-bye into the ether. waaah…
Anyway. Here’s my take on it. Again, and half as eloquently!
NEVER meddle in your children’s social lives if they’re over 4 or 5 years of age. We need to support our children to develop adequate social skills, and solving their problems FOR them does not achieve that aim.
My 8 year-old daughter has a “friend” two doors down who, frankly, I don’t like. She is always polite and solicitous to me, but I am a people observer and I’ve seen her be unbelievably mean and downright cruel to her younger sisters, my 5 year-old, and have heard stories of the same from my daughter, like “so-and-so always tells me that if I didn’t wear girls’ clothes everyone would think I’m a boy”, etc.
For several years now (they’ve been playing together on-and-off for 4 years) I’ve wanted to ban this girl from our house, and to forbid my daughter from going over there. But I didn’t. Instead I talk with my daughters often about all their friends, the interactions, the tiffs, the changing tides of relationships. I ask them how they felt they and their friends handled different situations, if they thought anything could (or should) have been handled differently, and what they will do next time a similar situation comes along. I know my daughters’ friends and their families, I am around but not watching when they play. I observe so I can understand, not regulate. I see myself in a supporting role.
And it’s beginning to pay off. My 8 year-old recently has started to question why she’s friends with so-and-so, and has come to me to share her feelings and to ask for advice on how to distance herself from the relationship without hurting the other girl. We’re working together on some options and it seems to be working well so far.
Would she have learned these valuable relationship skills if I’d just forbidden the friendship from day one? No. Would she have felt like she could confide in me? Not likely. In fact, I think the other girl’s glamour would have been all the more appealing for being forbidden.
Not to pat myself on the back too much here…god knows I screw up enough as a parent, but this is one area in which I think I actually have things pretty well in hand.