Steph and I often find ourselves sitting on the couch, bathing in a brief respite from the frenzy, reflecting on our week or planning for the remainder of it. At some point in the conversation, we usually mention the speed of life, spurred on by some benchmark in one of our son’s lives: A disappearing lisp, not-fading-fast -enough nervous ticks, outgrown shoes and now, of course, hair that is appearing where hair did not appear before.
These puberty acknowledgements of our son lead to the discussion of our own first time benchmarks: First crushes, first kisses, first signs of short and curlies, first felt ups, first feel downs, first toe curling moments and so on. We already knew some of the stories, but after 15 years together rekindling old tales is inevitable, and as this was somewhat salacious, it easy passed as Tuesday night entertainment. But soon as we stopped giggling, we quickly realized that some of these milestones will quickly pounce upon our boys.
As she is a woman and I am a man, there are some boy pubescent moments that I am more familiar with than she is. So, as she recoiled in horror at some of the potential nocturnal emission moments in her laundry future as well as my tales of discovering the fine art of self service and reminding her of the golden rule of never removing a hand towel found near a boy’s (man’s whatevs) bed, we discussed the appropriate level of disclosure regarding masturbation with our sons.
We are a sex positive family. This does not mean doors open, free-for-all stop in the middle of dinner type of thing. What it does mean is that we encourage discussion, primarily with our eldest as he is on the cusp of all things pubey and sticky, always letting him drive the discussion. Not that we avoid it with our youngest, it is just a different level of conversation, more body parts and respect etc.
We are both pretty naked in front of our boys, me more so (shocker) which means the boys have no shame about their bodies. What this means for Steph is whole bunch of wangs kicking around the house. And like magic, if there is a naked wang hanging out, invariably the hand is drawn to it like flies to sugar.
Thus our rule is if you want to play with it, your bedroom is the appropriate place to go. Never once has either boy taken us up on it (me? Hell yes) and we continue to tell them how it is a normal part growing up and eventually a part of a healthy sex life in our opinion (again, messaged for the appropriately aged audience).
It maybe embarrassing, but I do not want them feeling the least bit shameful when they go through the natural discovery of their own bodies.
Is this a specific conversation with your kids? Or simply too embarrassing?
Here, here. We’re not quite there yet, but I hope to keep the conversations as normal and as matter-of-fact as possible – no shame!!
Like you we (which really means “I”) have talked about this in general as being natural and private as things come up. The “no shame” vibe is very important to us too.