Steph and I use, without ever really discussing it, a value-based parenting strategy. We try to teach our two apple-faced boys core values like honesty, integrity, fairness, empathy, among others in hopes these lessons become sticky, and, when it comes time to make a decision, whether small or big, they naturally gear towards the right or just conclusion.
I am not talking about Powerpoint decks and whiteboards in the living room, but real-life examples geared toward their respective ages. We try our best to be consistent, try even harder to be personal examples of these values and for the most part, we think we are doing a pretty good job. They are both honest to a fault (won’t you get fat if you eat that dad?) and we receive just enough accolades from parents and teachers alike that let us know at least some of these values have latched on.
But one thing it seems we can’t teach is confidence, which our oldest son lacks in spades.
Now, I may be in the minority, but I think confidence is uniquely important in life. If you have only confidence, you can live on it, thrive on it, walk into rooms covered in it. But if you have depth and skills and values and confidence, you can truly evolve into an exceptional person. You can lead other people into goodness while turning yourself into greatness. You can be the person other people dream of being.
I love this kid so much my heart throbs thinking about him.
A bit histrionic I know, but the common denominator in both scenarios is confidence. I have it, but mostly only that, failing on some of the personal values and developed skill sets. My wife has it, more professionally than personally, but enough of it she would surely look at her life and gauge it successfully. Tasman has it, occasionally beams with it, but also will meander through the legs of life trying to hide. Hudson? Nothing, zero, seeks solace in flying under the radar. So worried of judgment and condescension, purposefully meek, hiding his glaring qualities, muffling his brilliant noise.
So what do I do? How do I coax him from wall flower to ray of light? Is it too early? Am I being an idiot? Is he just shy? Is he silently crying out for help?
Or is he just a bit shy, but totally normal.
it’s the “watchers” that get it all. they hear all, they see all, they’re stronger than you may think 🙂 i don’t think there’s anything to fix. maybe a nudge here and there just as i would nudge an overly extroverted kid so shut it down a bit. this is him and he is great.
My advice? And this comes from years of questioning my daughter in this way is…wait for it…let him be who he is. We learned from years of trying to “help” her be more this or that that the best way to build someone’s confidence is to accept them and love them and celebrate them for who they are. Yes, give him a nudge every once in a while, tell him you believe in him always but say good-bye to your expectations. In my experience, this adds strain to your relationship and puts stress on the child because they know you want something different from who they are. If he is shy or unsure reassure him and love him but don’t expect him to act in any other way than how he does.
As we began to accept our daughter as the complicated and unique and non-conformer that she is, she began to flourish. Our hearts are in the right place. We know how much easier life would be if our children were more [fill in the blank]. But this only makes them feel misunderstood and inadequate. Just put all of your worry aside and accept him for exactly who he is. The rest will follow!
Just my 2 cents.
I love this post, Jason. I’m not an introvert (could you tell?) but I would have to agree with Alice’s advice above – you may see a change in him as he grows, and indeed, when he finds the things he really loves, he’ll probably be more eager to share them, and be free and easy about it all. I get how tough it must be to watch, though – we want so much for them to be whole and healthy and happy. Le sigh. I know.
You’re a good father. 🙂
I’m a shy person, a total introvert, and was always way more comfortable flying under the radar, as you say. I would say that two things have made me come out of that shell. One was time. As we grow and get to know ourselves and become more proficient and competent in things, it really helps. The other is having found my things. I love what I do, I’m good at it, and it fills me with passion for sharing it, even in public.
Help him find his passions, push him gently to pursue them, and he’ll get there. Meanwhile, be patient with his reluctance in social situations, let him know you’re there with him, but don’t give him too many easy outs, either. It’s a tough line to walk, but he’ll get to know that he’s got your support and also that there are some things he needs to just deal with even if it’s uncomfy, and it will get easier with practice.
My last tip would be to use his successes as touchstones to give him courage. I used this for years, saying to myself, “If I could do that, I can do this.” and taking a deep breath. It helps.