I am sitting here at this very moment, after an especially tasty melange of bbq chicken, rice, celery, onions, yellow pepper, green beans and watching Hudson struggle with a speech on air pollution. It is 6:36 and we have been at it for about an hour and half now.
An almost attentive moment!
We are getting there, the speech is written in rough draft and he is transferring it to cue cards so he can begin practicing his delivery. Being a person who basically loves words (want to know my favourite? Somnambulant. Want to know another one? Scrotum? Hee!) I find it challenging to watch him struggle stringing two or three sentences together. Another struggle is my lack of context on how Hud compares to other nine year olds in grade four. His grades are generally middle of the pack with a few surprises each report card on the side of good or oh crap.
Okay, okay truth time, basically I struggle with sitting down with him to do homework at all. He will find anything possible to avoid the task at hand. He will pick a scab, he will check the time, he will punch his brother in the pancreas, he will check at the ghost knocking at the door, he will strip to his underwear and dance like Beyonce, anything to prevent him from the eventual innocuous goal of 15 minutes of math or writing. It drives me freaking crazy.
I have tried the task master, the nurturer, the monster, the hand holder, the banning of screen time, the elimination of play dates, the long, earnest talk about how important education is, and how much harder life will be later on if he does not grasp on to this importance now.
None of it sticks. He still would rather do anything else. He still forgets his assignments that are due the next day at school. He still starts to cry because he senses my frustration and if I listen closely, I can hear both of hearts breaking at the same time.
So here is my pleading out to my seven or eight loyal readers who may have kids who are similar, or have kids that are doing amazing because you are way more patient and attentive than I am.
What can I do to help him? What can I do to help myself not get so frustrated with his lack of motivation and focus?
I have to disagree Dr. M
What? There are photos on only one case? Weaksauce!!
Ahhh, homework. As an educator (like Erin) it amazes me how much of it is still being assigned, despite so much research to prove that it does nothing positive…the evidence for the negative side of homework is pretty self-evident though, right?
But you can’t (usually) pick your kids’ teachers, so if they get homework, you’ve gotta figure out how to support them in completing it.
I tend to be a bit more like Jen (go figure, eh?) and leave well enough alone. I will ask them every evening, “do you have homework?” just so that I won’t have to deal with panic at bedtime or when leaving the house the next morning. I check their agendas (but my older daughter never uses hers so it’s pretty pointless) to be sure, as well. If there is homework to be done, I ask them to do it and I give support if necessary.
If they choose to mess around and do a poor job of it, they will pay the consequences. In one case, my older daughter (grade 6) wrote a book report. I gave her some constructive feedback that she chose to ignore. She got an A on the report – “excellent!” I said. But she was really bummed because all her friends got A+…the lesson? Next time she wrote a better report. Other times, she is willing to make the tradeoff – do a poor job, get a poor mark.
I think it’s important to distinguish between forcing a kid to do homework and supporting a child in doing homework. If my daughters are working on a homework assignment and they need my help…I give it. If they choose not to listen and/or apply my help? Well, as I am always saying to my children and students…”that’s your choice.”
Soooo, you’ve been at my house, have you? My son is just in Grade 1 and trying to get him to focus is challenging. We have it in our heads that if we instill good habits now, then he’ll have an easier time in the later grades when it matters. BUT, it doesn’t help that he comes by his “not-a-fan-of-homework” genes honestly from both of us. We need to have better habits (be more aware, remember it has to be done, don’t leave it all to Sunday night, etc.) to be able to instill it in him. Lord help us when our little one starts – he’s even more “focus challenged”! Best of luck 🙂
I think this is VERY typical. Luckily, my older child is, for the most part, self-motivated. But to be honest there have been times of tears and avoidance and even times where (not proudly) I have actually sat down and done it for him. He has always had good grades so I have to say that I don’t think homework matters one little bit.
My daughter is very self-motivated but her problem is that she wants to do it ALL herself. This means that it is often a) wrong b) sloppy c) wrong. But what I have learned from her is that I think this is kind of the point. SHE did it. SHE owned it. SHE earned it. Whatever “it” may be.
So, my advice? Don’t help him. If he doesn’t finish or it sucks he is the one who will have to pay the piper. This may be the best motivator of all.
Not what you wanted to hear, is it?
I felt like im reading my life!!! I hear your pain but cannot share any wisdom! I havent figured out what works yet!! If and when u do please post your ideas!
I’m not looking forward to this – I can’t keep my kid at the table to eat…homework scares me. Chantal – you have great ideas – I’m keeping them!
Two of my boys have aspergers and the oldest one of the two has ADHD as well so as you can imagine homework is a complete an freaking nightmare. My typical son who is also in grade 4 hates homework as well although he has no excuse lol.
Some things that I have found help are the following:
1) Most important is before you start digging into the homework get yourself a drink (and I mean a real drink:)
2) I always have them do homework after they have had time to come home, get a snack, and play for a bit
3) Set up an after school routine schedule outlining the expectations ie:
4:00 – punch brother in pancreas
4:05 – eat a snack
4:20 – play like real boys – outside
5:00 – punch brother again only harder and be sure to duck when he strikes back
5:05 – homework
blah blah you get the idea
4) Break up the homework time – have him do say 15 minutes then a quick break
Kids who have a hard time sitting still, paying attention find this really helps to break it up in chunks as opposed to sitting at the table and having to do it all at once
5) Try changing the venue – if it’s warm outside take the work outside don’t know if it would help but hey we can all use some extra vitamin D
6) Try a point chart on the fridge – for every 15 minutes of homework accomplished he gets a check mark, sticker, coin, the opportunity to pick on the brother whatever works for him – when he accomplishes a certain amount of checks or whatever he gets some type of reward – I will leave all the details up to you
Thats all I have now but if I think of anything else I will hop over again:)
Oh yeah and seriously the adult drinks are most important lol
Chantel
I really believe in timing it right. I know with our kids, now 11, 14, & 16 if they are tired, hungry or haven’t had enough time to get their beans out, they find it really difficult to focus (or get motivated) and get their work done. Even breaking down the task into all chunks with jumping jacks or a run around the block can work wonders. And then there is always the old adage “you’ll attract more bees with honey”. Incentives/ small rewards vs. removal of privileges can be great too. Good luck on the speech Hudson! Maybe enrol him a local Toastmasters club!!
I have two children who have always been the same!!! The painful hours we have spent doing homework, writing speeches, studying for tests, the tears, the fights, the starting over, the quitting……It exhausts me just to think about it!!!
What I really find amazing is that I sit here speechless not knowing what kind of advice to give you! I really do not know how we have made it this far. They are in grade 7 and 9 respectively and the younger has an LD which has helped explain the issue, but certainly does not solve it. My oldest is still just a mystery.
Patience, Patience and more Patience….tutors, tutors and more tutors and when all else fails…..Ice Cream!!!
Hi Jason
I’m supposed to be teaching Dex to read and right now he’s watching Family Guy while I facebook, so, yeah, similar struggles here. I try to make things fun from time to time, like racing across the room together to find certain flashcards and stuff but mostly I’m too tired to get that into it. I’d love to cozy down and just read with him, but he resists trying and it makes me crazy. I guess I’ve got a long road ahead….. I’m going to go do a reading ipad app with him now because I feel like a bad mom. Steve says hi! 🙂
You just described my 9 year old daughter. I could feel your pain as I read your post. She was recently diagnosed with ADHD. I’m not saying that’s what HUD has – I’m no doctor. We have decided not to medicate and are working on behavioral techniques. The most effective one we’ve found so far with homework is short bits – about 15 minutes – followed by a few minutes of fun. She also needs to be supervised. I try really hard not to hang over her demanding more work (I have bite marks on my tongue to prove it) and provide quiet reminders to stay focused for a few more minutes. Good luck! It’s agonizing for everyone.
I just had an idea – could he rap his speech? That might make it more fun.
Generally I’m not a fan of homework. I totally understand why he doesn’t want to do it. I don’t want to do my work at home either (although I have to to keep up). I think that if they are at school all day that is enough.
I don’t really have any advice that you haven’t already tried or heard. Sorry.
Have you tried a punch in the pancreas? 🙂
Or make it into a game somehow.