Dear Momms,
My daughter is 7 years old. She is a very sweet and lovely girl, and very sensitive and considering others feeling. But whenever she is at home, she always talked very hashly to me & my husband, and also treat her little 5 years brother not so nicely. We continue to tell her the way she talks to us are not nice, and it hurts our feeling. Sometimes we got angry with her, and take off the once a week movie time together with family, as consequence. But it seems nothing works. We are very frustrated, and deadly need some help on this. Any advices?
Oh dear, that scarres me. My daughter is only 4 years old and she doesn’t talk nice to us already. Not all the time, but quit often. For now we are working on the bigger problem, that she doesn’t listen very well.
When we tell her to get ready for bed or cleaning up or even just to help, she moves like a turtle and does things like picking up a towel, or wiping the sink instead of brushing her teeth’s… This is really hard for our nerves, which aren’t the greatest.
We have our little one which is 2.5 y. old and she is the fisty one. So cute, like an baby angel, but very agressive and both are very weiny, I’d love to hear some tips for both girls!!
Thank you so much
Girls can be so difficult, but don’t we love them all? =)
Hi Julia,
My daughter is now grown (19 and on her own for the 1st time(she thinks she know everything and has alway had to learn things in her own way) From the time my daughter was 7 she started sowing her strong personality and I will tell you there were days when I didnt know if either of of would survive. I also have 2 younger kids watching her actions like a hawk. To this day it surprises every1 just how far she has come. While we may have butted heads over a million times she has always known she can come to me w/the good and the bad and that helped alot. She knew where i stood and that if i heard it from her 1st things would be easier. Its been a huge struggle to bite my toungue. Her temper got the best of her many times and I had to take severe actions w/her reminding her the whole time that we do love her we do care we are there but these actions weren’t acceptable. To say she was/is hardheaded is putting it nicely. I learned you have to pick your battles and learn when to walk away calm down and come back and calmly talk about the issues. They learn everything from us whether we ralize just how much this is is up for debate. My daughter and I are extremely close 2day we talk more then ever and it took a tin of time and patience and guidance and yes even some outside help. I tried everything and anything(doctors, social workers, teachers, family, friends, neighbours, police, thearapy, screaming and yelling and crying, anger management classes, looked into boot camps and having her commited and then some but I firmly believe that the only thing that really worked and brought us to where we are today is my commitment to her. I refused to give up and many ppl thought i should have. She seriously tested that. I thought that she might be better off w/o us but the mother in me could not and would not give up on her. Kids do not ask to be born (thats a given right) but I firmly and deeply believe that for w/e reason they do chose their parents and yes there are some parents that are not up to that challenge or are not yet ready to accept that gift.
So I guess what I am saying is that regardless of how dark things may get remember that they are trying to find themselves (some start younger(my 10 yr old is a huge mommys girl although she is starting to assert herself) and we have to (to some degree) let them. Do what you feel is right and stay true to yourself and your daughter/child ALWAYS keeping the lines of communication open, be firm yet comprimising and always say what you mean and mean what you say and show them by xample. YOu will and your daughter will find a way to work though this and hopefully you will find the happiness and comfort and friendship that to this day i really dont know how i managed to get with my oldest. Remember she loves you and she is counting on you to show her and teach her above all else never give up and stay true to yourself and your beliefs there are no right and wrong answers here. As for giving my daughter hugs when she was seriously upset was a recipe for disaster but definitely give tons of them when things are calm and ask her when she is calm what she wants/expects/thinking/feeling or what she needs from you. With all the experiences I have had in raising my kids(19,16(son)and 10 yr old girls) I wouldnt trade a moment because they have helped me grow into the parent and the person i am today, and i am very proud of that person not to say that i don’t still have those moments I do but they also remind me that we are all human and that everything is a learning experience. Good luck to you and to your daughter this is just a stage and eventually whenever this phase ends may you find the bond my daughter and i have found. Its truely amazing and I am a very Firm believer that thing can change we just cant make them change. Be strong.
My daughter is now almost 14 and going into highschool. When she was between the ages of 7-11, I went through a horrific time with her temper and struggled through my own ups and downs with how to deal with it. First and foremost I had to learn how to control my own reactions to her and ensure that I handled her outbursts in a matter-of-fact, non-judgmental and non-emotionally charged manner. That’s not to say that I did not show any caring about her feelings, but that her way of expressing them was unacceptable and that there were automatic consequences. She’s a very artistic and creative child, both in drawing and writing, so I made a notebook that I brought out for any occasion where she had an outburst. In it I had a list of pre-set questions – 1. Tell me what happened in your own words; 2. Who was there and how do you think this made them feel? 3. How did you feel? 4. What did you do or say that made the situation worse? 5. What do you think you could have said that would have been a more positive way of expressing your feelings? 6. Re-write your story in #1, but tell a better way it could have happened.
So when there was an outburst, it inevitably involved someone else, usually her older brother. I would separate them both to their rooms to cool down and have them each answer the questions. At first they resisted, but I told them that they would stay in their rooms until they were finished and to let me know when they had done so. They actually seemed to like the idea of expressing themselves freely, without interruption and it gave them the opportunity to think about things in detail and learn a little from their own reflection. After they were done, they would be much more calm (usually) and we would all sit together and read what each other wrote, then talk about how different their perceptions were and come to a common understanding about how there are better ways to express themselves. It was really great because they not only thought of some of their own ideas, but they heard others from myself and each other. I still have the book and it’s something that I look at and feel proud of them for what they learned. Also there are some pretty funny things that we look back at like when my daughter wrote that she was “mad as a hornet”
There were still consequences for the initial poor behaviour, but it was tied directly to the offense and I would ask them their thoughts on what the consequences should be. They accepted them better this way and the tempers levelled off very quickly once I thought of doing this type of thing.
If I may suggest, I would not take off the family movie time as a consequence. Family time is very valuable for talking and learning. I would set consequences more as actions such as if she threw something on the floor of the kitchen, she had to clean the kitchen or mop the floor. Or if you are going to withdraw privileges, let it be foregoing a birthday party or no dessert.
As an older child, if she’s having a stressed kind of day, I let her retreat to her room for about 15 minutes, then go try to talk, if she’s not ready, I tell her that I will be around when she is. Sometimes she doesn’t want to talk, but she doesn’t want me to leave, so I just climb on the bed and hold her and look at a book with her or sit quietly until she is ready.
I am very proud of how mature and communicative both of my children are now. They both talk to me about everything and come into my room to talk for hours at least once or twice a week before bedtime. At 14 and 16, that’s pretty amazing.
Hi Julia,
This is SO tough. My daughter is 7 too and often has these total meltdowns where she cries and yells and says mean things. Nothing we do seems to make it go away completely but I find that if she is started to get that way I just turn to her and say “I think you need a hug”. I don’t discuss what she said or her behaviour and this seems to help her calm down. It often takes everything in me not to get angry but I find that just makes it worse so I try not to. After we have a cuddle and she is totally calm I will say “I’m happy to see your smile again. Now why don’t you give me/daddy/your brother a hug because I know that will make them feel better.” I am trying to make her accountable for hurting someone’s feelings without triggering another outburst. Sometimes a little while later she will go on her own and you can tell she is trying to make it up to the person and we will try and acknowledge that by saying “Thank you for the hug (or whatever). It makes me feel better after my feelings got hurt.” Or something like that.
I know it is hard and hurtful but try this. Good luck!
Jen