Secrets from The Man-ual, Part I

So, here’s a good lesson for all the wannabe writers out there: when you write something, proof it properly, have someone read it over for clarity and above all else, mean what you say.

Want an example?  Ok, here’s one. 

If you want to offer advice to a community of moms who might be puzzled about some of the things that the dads in their life do, say exactly that… don’t offer to provide answers to all of the mysteries that men do on the whole, because as one is quick to find out, there is A LOT that men do that puzzle women.

Sadly, this is not a hypothetical example.  In my latest post regarding The Man-ual, I intended to offer advice about fatherhood’s quirks and quarks.  One small but significant oversight later, and here I am, staring down the barrel of a Men are from Mars shotgun.

Undaunted, I intend to answer every single question with honesty and realism (and a whole lot of tongue-in-cheek). 

This will be a three-part series, that I shall call Secrets from The Man-ual: Shawn Defies His Brethren.

 

Why do men like stupid women? And also, why do they like women that cause a lot of drama in their lives and then complain about all the drama?

Katherine, I will assume you mean stupid women who are also hot women, because men definitely don’t like stupid, ugly women.  

The answer here is simple.  There is very little need to keep up conversation with a stupid girl.  And when you don’t have to talk, you can use your mouth for other things.  Lest I make you read between the lines, sex without awkward conversation.  Its like getting to engrave your name on the Stanley Cup, but you don’t have to play a single game. 

As for the second part of your question, we all know men like to fix things, right?  Lady drama, in most forms, requires fixing of some sort.  This is why men like drama.  

The catch is that men don’t just like fixing.  It’s more that fixing is a drug.  So, we are essentially drug addicts, addicted to fixing.  

But no one likes a drug addict, right?  So we pretend not to like your drama so we don’t come across as drug addicted psychopaths.

 

Why can’t men make conversation? To be specific, why don’t they know that you have to ask questions to keep a conversation going?

Huh, really.  Neat.  That’s interesting.

Just kidding!

Trust me, most of the questions we would ask, you wouldn’t want to answer.  Do I have bad breath?  Can you tell that I am watching the hockey game on the TV over your shoulder?  With all of that cleavage, do you think one boob will fit comfortably in one hand or if I will need two hands?

If you don’t buy that, then try this on.  Our frames of reference are just too different.  Most of the time, guys and girls enjoy different things, which means you don’t really know anything about the stuff we like, and we don’t know much about the stuff you like.  Therefore, we just don’t know what to ask.   

 

Why do men think it’s ok to have back hair, but expect women to wax, pluck, lift, separate and tone every inch of our bodies?

A fellow man offered me a valid point on this topic.  For every woman who detests hair of any kind, there are two more lying in wait for the chance to run their fingers through the hair on our bodies.  If that’s the case, that means about 66% of women don’t require us to do any manscaping. 

Most men like to gamble, therefore, we are just playing the odds.

 

Why do men want to date you forever but not marry you?

How can I say this delicately… why buy the cow when you can get the milk…

Honestly, I wish I knew the answer to this one.  Fear of commitment is the most referenced rationale, but a lot of guys won’t even think twice before having sex without a condom, and that can come with a hefty commitment also. 

 

What’s the deal with all the beards lately?< /p>

How often do you shave, Katherine?  And be honest.  Once, maybe twice a week?  And I bet you take Winters off because your skin is never exposed.  Men, and women, avoid shaving because it sucks.  It’s time consuming, usually painful and irritating.  Personally, I never shave on weekends and if I could actually grow a legitimate beard, I might rock the stubble 24/7.

(Overly dramatic photo of yours truly included for your viewing pleasure.)     

 

Why do men bury their head in the sand when it comes to anything medical, or even dental? I know a few men who should definitely consider flossing.

Medical: we don’t like to complain.  We’d rather grin and bear it than put the women in our lives through the agony and worry that would come with hearing us complain.  And yes, I am being sarcastic. 

Honestly, this is a good question with no good answer.  My Dad was extremely sick when I was a kid and despite it all, my mom had to drag him off the couch in his office and force him to go to the doctor.  When he got there, the doctor told him the meningitis would have killed him in a couple of days, if the brain absess didn’t get to him first.

I know I am no different.  I sit on something until it becomes unbearable.  That said, I have changed my tune significantly since Pea was born.  The thought of not being around to see her grow up is easily my biggest fear in life.

Dental: laziness and the likelihood of intercourse are equal contributors.  Until I married my wife, I brushed once a day, in the AM, and couldn’t be bothered to floss.  When I got married, I realized that my chances of intimacy increased significantly when I flossed and brushed my teeth, so it also became a nightly ritual. 

When I am away from the house on an overnight trip, I usually have to talk myself into flossing and brushing my teeth.  I simply remind myself that I am no longer a savage.

There you have it.  Part I of my wholely unsatisfying answers to the questions you posed. Parts II and III to come in the weeks to follow.