Like many of you, I found Jen’s recent post entitled “A Sexual Crisis” pretty interesting. She was open and honest on a topic that most people don’t want to talk about with their closest friends, let alone the whole WWW.
So, given the fact that I am a man and think about sex about a billion times a day, I figure I should get out there and give my side of the sex story as it relates to being a new Dad. Bravery begets bravery, I guess. After all, that’s what I’m here for, right?
Before I get going, a few disclaimers.
- To make the holidays a little more comfortable at my house, I will ask my Mom and Dad to stop reading this now. In fact, I forbid you to go any further. FORBID, Mom! Go check out Not So Supermom or Mom Without a Map… two of the other great new blogs on urbanmoms.ca.
- Second disclaimer is for Pea, who might have the opportunity to read this in the future at some point. Baby, trust me, you don’t want to hear this.
Ok, here we go… this tale starts before Pea is even born.
When I found out my wife was pregnant, my mind soon wandered towards sex. I wondered how it would change as her pregnancy progressed, but more than that, I pondered how much more sex we would have because of her ‘kick-ass raging sexual hormones’.
I was pumped! But, it didn’t take long for me to realize that the whole ‘kick-ass raging sexual hormone’ thing, like morning sickness and weird cravings, isn’t something all women experience.
In my wife’s case, her hormones didn’t really take her anywhere new. Things stayed pretty much the same throughout most of her pregnancy, until she got to the point where she could barely lay down comfortably to sleep, let alone… well, you know…
By the end of the pregnancy, I was sleeping in the spare room to allow her to be more comfortable in our bed and the closeness was already slipping away.
At this point, I shifted my attention to how things would be different when Pea actually arrived, and how quickly we could get back to normal.
Truth be told, I sort of expected things to go back to normal pretty fast. But, one episiotomy and forceps delivery later and I quickly realized I wasn’t in Kansas anymore and my wife wasn’t even on the same planet anymore!
When we brought Pea home, the first few weeks were a blur. On an emotional level, we felt closer than ever before and that closeness remains to this day. My best friend had become the mother of my child and I will never look at my wife the same again. She gave me a daughter and that emotion and gratitude will never go away.
But on an intimate level, we were drifting further apart.
When Pea would sleep, we would try to steal moments together here and there. But one of us always had Pea on our chest for the first few weeks and then I often slept on the floor of Pea’s room at night so I could be close to her after a long day at work.
For my wife, thinking of sex and being close to me came after thoughts of changing the furnace filter. For me, thinking of intimacy became more of a fixation than ever.
My wife and I talked about this a lot. As we talked, I realized that I wasn’t necessarily after sex as an act, but after the intimate connection that had begun to wean late into her pregnancy. As Jen put it, my wife became touched out… and I became envious.
I asked my wife to work with me towards one goal. I knew her desire for sex would return eventually and I could wait. But I couldn’t go without feeling the intimate connection. So we worked towards stealing more and more moments, taking more time for ourselves in general.
Seventeen months later, I am happy to report that our sex life has taken on a whole new meaning, just as Jen suggests. It isn’t like it was, and I don’t think it is anything like it will be in the future. It is something new and exciting and definitely better than ever before because we have a much closer connection.
Some of you will have had or will have different experiences in this regard. Your drive may come back quicker, or it may take more time.
But the one thing I can guarantee is that the father of your child will have the same desires for you that he did before your son or daughter was born. In fact, they will be more intense and heartfelt than ever before as he looks at you in a whole new light.
I would never suggest that a new Mom rush into something she isn’t ready for. But I will suggest that you consider the difference between sex and intimacy and the importance of both. Understand that while he will most likely still want both, the value of intimacy as a bridge cannot be underestimated.
He will feel closer to you than ever before and will have a hard time when he can’t share that with you physically. Maintaining intimacy, in whatever form, will help you maintain your personal relationship until you as a Mom are ready for more.
Ok, that about covers it for now. Please let me know what you think about this post… the more opinions, the better!
And finally, to my Mom, who I know read this whole post, I hope this makes you uncomfortable enough to never bring it up.
Wonderful post on an important topic where a male perspective is especially welcomed!
It’s a particularly touchy subject in the early days of new baby-dom, but also, like Jen mentions, it’s something that a couple needs to keep working on even as children get older. It doesn’t actually get easier to find time for each other — we all need to MAKE time — for our own benefit, and the benefit of our children to have a healthy & happy role model for marriage.
Wow, if only you had posted this 20 years ago! Maybe I would still be married to the father of my children?!
So when does your book come out? I bet many would find it a good read!
If you are booking speaking engagements I can think of a few good audiences!
This was a great post Shawn. I guess most of your readers have ‘been there, done that’. So nice to get the man’s perspective on things.
Well thought out, well written, hilarious and brave. Good for you! You are obviously a great guy with a great family. My husband is also a wonderful guy and father – we need more of your Daddy insights out there to help the loser dad population! So keep writing. Best of luck.
Thanks everyone! So, on my to-do list:
– Bask in your wonderful comments
– Pick up and read 365 Nights
– Congratulate Unah for some great euphamisms!
I loved what you wrote and I loved the comment your mom wrote too!!
p.s did you read “365 Nites”…you and your wife would enjoy this book. (in your spare time of course)
WOW ..Kudos to you for having the balls/guts to give your opinion!! Being married for 20 years now it’s refreshing to hear from a man and father about the realism of sex after kids.You hit the nail on the head…pardon all the euphemisms.I look forward to reading your other blogs
It’s great to get a Dad’s honest perspective on this. Thanks!
To my son…..Like a good Mom, I did not read past the first disclaimer…..NOT. The subject of intimacy is what differentiates us from other creatures. And sex….well that’s a whole other subject which I promise not to discuss in this PG rated blog. I love you for the courage it took to speak out on the subject and for the “buckets of sweat” that you must have experienced while writing it. As for “Pea,” she as well will not ever want to ever think of the subject as it relates to her Mom and Dad in another ….say 10 years! Something to look forward to!
You are awesome, Shawn! Oh, and “Hi, Mom” 😉
I think you captured this perfectly. It is such a time of change and vulnerability and although a new mom’s world is upside down we sometimes forget that dad is adjusting to everything too. Your point about intimacy is critical and not just when baby first arrives. Believe it or not it continues to be a challenge as your kids get older because your life as a family is so much busier (and, as a commenter on my post pointed out, teenagers stay up late!).
Thanks for baring it all for us on the WWW.