Hi again Urban Moms! Thank you all for sending me your comments and questions over this last month…you’ve kept me busy!
Below are some of your questions along with my responses and added are “Kyla’s Key Tips” to addressing these very common experiences.
Let me know your thoughts and…keep those questions coming!!!
Q: I have a 13 yr old son. He’s a great kid, but lately he has become very quiet and moody. I’m told by friends that have kids the same age that this is normal behavior. And part of adolescence and becoming a teenager. He is an only child. He is almost a teenager and into his friends a lot more. How do I maintain a close relationship and communication with him without stifling his growth into a young adult? I want to stay close but not become overbearing.
Help.
A: Your friends are right in that your son’s “quiet” and “moody” character is rather “normal” for adolescents. Teenagers need their space and their disinterest in their mom is pretty typical. Note that the transition to teenage-hood is overwhelming both physically, socially, hormonally and emotionally for girls and boys alike. So don’t fret.
I wonder if your son’s distance from you and desire to socialize with friends has left you feeling like you’ve lost something, given that he is your only child. Often as children grow, it’s really the transition for parents that’s challenging and hurts the most. Perhaps in some way you are grieving the loss of his need for you. This is normal too.
Though his priorities currently may be hanging with his friends, don’t be fooled, he still requires your input, support, rules and love. An example of this is sticking to curfew; making sure he calls you once he arrives at his destination; confirming with the parents of his friends that it’s ok with them that your son sleepover; and even making sure that the family has dinner together, which will act as a time that you all can talk about the day. Though these suggestions might seem somewhat intrusive to him, by acting in this way you are sending your son a message that you care about him and you will protect him. All children – at every age – need to know this about their parents and often limits are tested by adolescents as a means of confirming their parents love.
As for the two of you, try setting aside some time, it can be once every month, for you and him to do something fun together that you’re both interested in – maybe a movie or ice cream. If you chose something that he enjoys, you could hook him. If you don’t, it’s ok. Remember…teenagers need their space and it’s not about you…he’ll come around eventually.
Kyla’s Key Tips for Addressing your Child’s Transition into Adolescence:
- Respect your teen’s need for space and slowly they’ll invite you into it
- Reward when expectations are met or surpassed (i.e. if curfew is met every night for a month, perhaps an extension is in order for a special party)
Q: I have a 23 month old son who has recently started biting the other kids at daycare. He goes to a licensed private daycare and there are three boys (including him) ranging from just turned 3 to almost 2 and soon to be 2 in July. So far my son has made the beeline for “bully” status. I don’t know what to do. I am a former ECE myself and I seem to have run through the typical solutions, but I hold my breath every time I go to pick him up because I am afraid that I am going to hear those dreaded words “Your son was biting again today…”
This happened once a few months ago (I thought that it was an isolated incident) when he was getting in he upper secondary molars…but then it stopped, but I’ve noticed that he is drooling yet again, and sure enough the biting has returned now that his lower secondary molars are popping up. Could this be the reason why he has been biting? I must add that he’s not biting as a form of aggression…it’s always been when he was giving one of the other boys a hug or kiss (my son is a very affectionate child)….he starts off with the very best intentions of giving a hug or kiss, but it turns into a bite on the face!
Please help me, give me some suggestions. At home, time out works well for him, but at daycare it’s not a part of her policy (which is fine for me) but he’s not biting at home. I’ve tried telling him that biting hurts and I know at daycare she has done the same; he loses out on getting special treats because he bites the other children – and that didn’t sit well with him – but he almost did it again yesterday to the other child at daycare.
Kyla, I really hope you can help. I can’t help but feel as if this is a negative reflection on me being a parent; and I am by no means trying to make this “all about me” I know that it’s not about me. I just need to know how and what I can do to help my child through this negative phase of his “toddlerhood”. Please help me take the “bite” out of my child!!!
A: Though it may feel like you are being judged as a bad mom, you are not a bad mom…you have a child entering his “terrible two’s”!!
What I think is great about this is that you have been able to establish, on your own, that time-out’s at home work well for your son. Though you mentioned that the daycare doesn’t believe in this “policy”, I would recommend re-visiting the topic of time-outs with them. If they won’t have it, first, understand why. Maybe, for them, time-outs are sending a child into the corner alone, out of view from the other children for ten minutes. The “extremeness” of this form of time-outs might be their resistance to implementation. Secondly, try to come up with a unique form of time-outs that they might be able to work with. Perhaps suggesting that they simply send your son to a quiet art table where he can color alone, something to remove him from the situation and settle the conflict. I would also encourage that you and the daycare staff teach your son to say “I’m sorry” to the boys he bites. This will help him to understand that he’s done something wrong.
You mentioned that you’ve tried to “tell your son that biting hurts” and that the daycare has done the same in the hopes of eliminating the behavior. Note that trying to talk to and rationalize with children is generally not a successful method for change. Children cannot rationalize, especially at two!!! Developmentally speaking, they cannot and do not understand concepts as we do…so talk is cheap! Actions are better. Try showing him about good touch and bad touch, “hurt” touch and “not hurt” touch, “ouch” touch and “soft” touch. Use his affection (hugs and kisses) as positive examples of touch.
As for the medical reasons behind his biting (i.e. being related to incoming molars), I can’t confirm. For this, you may want to consult your pediatrician.
Kyla’s Key Tips for Addressing Daycare/School:
- Teach daycare/school what works best for your child at home. Children often excel the most when the rules remain the same through all of their environments
- Ensure a healthy relationship with the daycare/school. If the staff likes you, they’ll like your kid even more!
Q: I am a mother of twins (two-years old) and am expecting my newest addition this July. We live in one province, while my parents live in another province. My parents visit us every two-to-three months for a minimum of two weeks. This really stresses me and my husband. We could probably handle them for about a week, but they insist on booking their tickets first and THEN confirming when they are coming. The latest request to visit us has resulted in a real fiasco. We were supposed to travel to see them in May with our sons, but we had to cancel due to the timing of all my upcoming doctor’s appointments. We contacted my parents stating that we will not be coming down and they immediately wanted to come down to see us.
We have explained to them that we would just like to enjoy our time and relax before our newest addition arrived, but they truly don’t understand that we need our space. Since we have made the decision that we are not going to visit them and we have not
“allowed” them to come and visit us, I think they’ve gone off the deep-end. They have called to tell me they were devastated they can’t come see their grandsons, that I am a big disappointment and that I have mental problems (these are all direct quotes from my father over the phone). The last phone call I had to admit I had a “mental problem” to get my Dad off the phone. I don’t know what to do from here. We have asked they come in July when our newest addition arrives (and we will welcome this openly at this time), but this stressful situation they have put on us now is really taking a toll on me and my husband.
What do you suggest we do or tell my parents? We have really tried to reason with them, but they feel it’s their right to see their grandsons at any time and they don’t listen to any of our reasoning. Help!
A: You do NOT have a “mental problem”. You are a grown woman who deserves to make her own rules about her family.
By informing your parents about not coming to visit before the birth and instead giving them the option to come in July, following the birth, meant that you and your husband took a stand and began the journey of setting boundaries…and by the sounds of it, you did it in a tactful and very reasonable way. In order for you to feel in control of your life and your family, you must be clear with your parents about your boundaries – with consistency.
So…you need to continue on setting limits with your parents.
Perhaps it would be helpful for you and your husband to sit down and write some clear rules – that you both agree on – with respect to your parent’s visits, etc. This way you are clear in your head about what you will tolerate. This will help to get you and your husband on the same page which will lesson the tension between you. Also, it may be too difficult to discuss this over the phone with your parents, given the emotional intensity. It might be better for you to send them a letter explaining your feelings, this way you won’t get caught up in the heat of it all. If you go ahead with this plan, I would suggest that you think about phrasing the letter in a very supportive and loving manner…comments like, “I love you and I know how much you love the children but our lives are busy and we need to know in advance when you’re visiting (state how much time you mean by “advance”) so that we can plan and prepare…”; I’m sorry that you feel disappointed in me by not consenting for you to come visit us prior to the birth of the baby, but this is what we have decided is best for us…”. This may hurt them and you. But you already know this. Know that your parents are only acting this way because they love you. Now you need to teach them how you need to be loved and that it’s not by them being demanding and forceful.
Often people pull on our heart-strings because they know we will crack. When you begin to maintain your boundaries consistently, your parents will slowly learn that they have to play by your rules and they’ll see that they can still win when you’re the coach. Stay strong. You have the support of your husband, two beautiful twins and a bundle of joy on the way.
Kyla’s Key Tips for Setting Boundaries:
- You can be heard in a letter…letters don’t yell back!!
- When you stick to your guns people learn to adjust even if they initially try to fight it.
Kyla’s column will appear on urbanmoms.ca monthly. If you have questions for Kyla please share them in the comments below or send Kyla an email at email@urbanmoms.ca and she will select a few to respond to in her next post. If you or your family need specific information from Kyla, check out her website at www.kylafoxtherapy.com.
Disclaimer: The advice given by Kyla are merely suggestions for addressing personal problems/situations. It is not guaranteed to ensure change or success, as there are many ways to address the questions posed. Be advised that implementing Kyla’s strategies and following her suggestions is done at your own discretion. Kyla is not responsible for any outcomes that may come from following her advice.