There is a mother at my daughter’s ballet class who has a baby who’s a few months older than mine. I showed up at class a few weeks ago, frazzled and exhausted, and we got to chatting about our little ones. I asked her how her baby slept at night and she chimed, “Oh, GREAT! She goes 12 hours straight!”
I sighed a painful, envious sigh and began to gripe about how Brinley is a terrible sleeper and how chronically tired I am when she interrupted me and explained, happily, that, “Well, she sleeps in bed with me and is up to nurse every three or four hours, you know. It’s so GREAT!”
Uh, what?
I was feeling so fatigued and frustrated because my baby only wanted to sleep in bed with me and was up to eat every three hours in the night while this woman’s reality was almost the same as mine but she was thrilled about it.
Oh, expectations.
See, most of my friends have their babies on schedules and they sleep in cribs and they don’t wake up to eat in the night. So that’s what I expect my baby to do, naturally. Who we surround ourselves with really sculpt our expectations.
Maybe I need more co-sleeping, feeding-on-demand, hippie friends to make me feel like I’m not doing anything wrong. Except I don’t fully fit in in their camp either since I bottle-feed and use disposable diapers and carry my baby in a carseat and don’t put her in a moby wrap all day long.
I am a parenting enigma! Where do I belong? No one knows! A perpetual mystery am I!
Do you have a group of fellow mothers who affect your parenting expectations? Do you all agree on how your children should be raised or do you openly discuss your different approaches?
don’t worry about what others do….just do what works for you. IF you compare yourself to everyone then you will just get even more exhausted. I too probably did the wrong things. I let my kids watch Tree House in the evenings or when I need to do house work and this occupies him/her. What are you going to do when you don’t have someone to baby sit and things need to get done. I lay down with my son until he falls asleep and then sneak out. That is the only way he will sleep in bed. Both kids literally wait for mommy to put them to sleep as they won’t go to bed with daddy. YOU do what you have to do to make things easy on you. People make things sound so easy yet I don’t see how it can be so easy all the time.
My advice take a deap breath and remember you are not alone. ALSO have a few hours by yourself to recharge…..
Em – I’ve got 7 kids.. and with every one of them I have done “the wrong thing” in someone’s eyes.. I didn’t cloth diaper, I didn’t breastfeed long enough, I didn’t breastfeed at all.. blah blah blah.. guess what.. one just turned 19.. he survived.. the youngest is almost 11 months.. she still isn’t crawling.. but she’s smiling by the minute.. gaining weight, and learning every day, she too will be a normal child .. if your little one is healthy and happy then you aren’t doing anything wrong :-), take the advice you want to follow, and just politely thank others for their advice and do your thing!! .. oh.. and don’t try staying home all the time .. it doesn’t work.. I tried it 🙁 My life still sucks for some things.. but I am enjoying my kids more and more each day.. because they are who I chose to be with in this world
I know just how you feel EM. I didn’t even want to write about what kind of parenting “style” I have because I feel that it isn’t really anyones business anymore and the mommy wars make me gag. Deep down I know I’m a good mom and that I work very hard but a lot of days I feel like I’m sinking. From what I can tell most moms don’t fit a single “style” – there are too many factors at play and we all do what we can. I’m sure you are doing a great job EM (the fact that you are worrying about it means you most likely are – I suspect the ones that aren’t doing a great job don’t notice or care) so you should enjoy your sweetums and make no apologies to anyone.
Lately it doesn’t matter what I do, I feel like I suck at everything! Blah, yuck, yucky, yuck, yuck! I’m finding it is better to shut my trap and not tell anyone my triumphs (ya right what are those) or failures. I don’t fit a style either and if I do share something that I am trying, chances are I’ll be in a room with someone who thinks I’m nuts. I’m always second guessing myself and it is exhausting, never mind the night feedings to boot. I just want to enjoy my sweetums, right now, as is with no apology, but how? My solution is to stay home and never go anywhere ever again…ya, I’m not sure that is going to help my sanity situation. Love your blog and your topics, you help me to take the breath that I need and keep on.
I think every one picks and chooses what works for them – that is why most baby books make me laugh because no two kids are ever the same so why should parents be? It’s all about keeping baby and Mum healthy in the first year anyway, right? : )
Seems you’re not as alone as you feel. 🙂 I also am a bit of both worlds. I co-slept with all my babies, except the twins because that would have been chaos. I breast fed (only for the first 2 weeks with the twins and then it was switched to a bottle, major complications and I very much needed more than 45 minutes of sleep every night….not kidding, that’s how much sleep I was getting every night for 2 WEEKS!! So I understand sleep deprivation, believe me!) I use disposables. I wore my babies when I felt like it, but sometimes it was a carseat or swing. Do what you feel is best for you and your babies. Oh, and even though I co-slept, I would often put them to bed in their own bed and then bring them into my bed once they woke up. Eventually they started sleeping longer and longer, and then through the night…in their own beds. I’ve never struggled with a child over the age of 1 wanting to be in my bed with me. 🙂
I’m a bit of both. Our kids co-slept for the first 3 months and I nursed them all for at least a year.
The first 2 never saw a wrap or a sling – they were car seat babies.
Eva lived in a bjorn as I needed the other 2 hands holding to deal with the boys, meals etc…
I wanted them in crib by about 4-5months old, but still fed on demand. My kids didn’t go right through the night til they were about a year.
And it was disposable diapers all the way.
Hang in there – it won’t be like this forever. She’s still so wee!
I am the opposite of you, I have the kids on kind of a schedule, sleeping in a crib, I love to wear them and have lots of different carrier options, breast feed, cloth diaper. That being said I never let them cry it out, I had them co sleep on occasion when they were little and that is what they needed, I break the rules and let them tummy sleep. I don’t know where I fit either. Somehow, by the time they are two we both have stong willed madams, packed to the brim with personality who are smart, lovable and challenge us daily, who watch too much TV and are just fine for it so maybe what we do with them as babies doesn’t matter TOO, too much.
there is a middle ground…you are not alone. i loved the idea of co-sleeping and did it for 3 months until their little arms kept hitting me in the nose…then it was a crib beside me. if i’m not sleeping then i’m not happy. the mornings were awesome, as i learned to nurse lying down and we’d sleep in until 11:00 (that was when i only had 1!)
you can pick and choose your parenting buffet. i chose cloth diapers with my 2nd cuz i found the explosion factor to be quite less. i used disposables at night cuz i wanted the wakings to be for feeding or comforting only. (i haven’t heard any complaining from them yet) i wore them both quite a bit but used the car seat when i had to. they didn’t like using the bottles but got a cup to their lips sometimes. i am the yuppiest hippie out there! don’t feel judged as you have happy children. people forget they have instincts and don’t listen to them. you have them, too, and it sounds like you’re pretty in tune. keep up the good work!
I completely agree! Do whatever works best for you and maintains your sanity as a mother of young children:) I chose to co-sleep with Arwynn (when she would wake up and cry the second I lay her down anywhere but with me on the bed-which made me want to cry from sheer exhaustion). I loved it. It was such a bonding, loving experience and I miss it. I had to teach her to sleep in a crib (which we both hated) at 6 months so she wouldn’t be traumatized at daycare and now she will ONLY sleep in her crib and I miss her. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful she is happy in her own bed now we are expecting our second child but I still miss the closeness and “rightness” somehow of sleeping together. Our culture is so clinical and divided, closed doors reign and independance valued sometimes too much! This stage with youngsters doesn’t last long (though some days it feels like forever) so we might as well find whatever makes us enjoy it and get as much rest as we can do deal with the exhaustion!
And if it makes you feel better I am partial hippy too! haha. I am happiest barefoot on the beach but I also use disposable diapers (still feel guilty but there it is) and have bottle fed Arwynn since she was 6months-yes she still loves her bedtime bottles;) I found co-sleeping, breastfeeding while I was able to, and my sling a god-send (so I could move around, even visit the horse with her happy next to my body) but know it doesn’t work for everyone!
Hoping you get some rest…
PS-If you do co-sleep and your hubby is a deep sleeper (as mine is) try putting a big, solid pillow between him and baby or just have baby on the far side with you in the middle;)
Awwww lady – you just have to do what’s gonna work for you – and the early years can really suck as far as I’m concerned… babies are wonderful and delicious, but it can be SO hard – especially when you’re not getting enough sleep. It won’t be like this forever though. Co-sleeping works for some – I get it- but I never wanted to to try and oust a five-year-old from my bed down the road. But if my babies hadn’t been better sleepers, I might have, for the short-term sanity. Do what works for you. Once day soon, things will be different!!
It’s sinking fast, hey, Jill? 🙂
Claire and I co-sleep. I choose to co-sleep because I choose to sleep. I want her in her own crib, sleeping through the night and on a good schedule. I cling to the hope that that will happen one day. We’re in the same, swamped boat.
You have a sister in me, Amanda! I was definitely one who picked and chose (and still do) from every point on the spectrum. I love that we have the confidence to do what we believe is right for our family without feeling the need to be labeled and follow a particular philosophy. So, don’t worry, you are not alone!
You don’t have to be all the way to one side. Go ahead and co-sleep with your Pamper bummed baby. 😉