I am feeling torn about how I should be treating my body. Do I need to love it exactly as it is, in all its rippled glory, or should I be pushing it to be something it’s not?
I am actually feeling pretty good about myself these days, so this isn’t a post riddled with self-loathing and whining about my post-partum softness. I had a baby three months ago and have lost 33 of the 43 pounds I gained. I am back in my old jeans and am proud of my body for all it’s done and is continuing to do. I am happy with the way I look and most of the time I think I could pass for a MILF (so long as I don’t have to get naked).
That being said, I am a good 20 pounds away from the “goal” weight that taunts me. I know I’ve got plenty of time to reach it and I’m in no hurry, but I’m wondering if I should even bother. I know I look better at my goal weight, but it takes so much work and thought and effort to get there. My body, left to its own devices, is kind of doughy. Should I learn to be OK with that, or fight for a skinnier rear? What is better to teach my daughters: that they should accept themselves as they are or that they should push for something better and be willing to make sacrifices for their dreams. Both seem like good lessons to learn, but when it comes to our bodies, what is best?
When I am dieting, it’s all I can think about. I rarely eat dinner with my family and am consumed by thoughts of how many calories I have left in the day. When I am not dieting, I have grilled cheese for lunch with the girls and hot chocolate with my friends when they drop by and I try new recipes and we all enjoy good food and togetherness. And it seems the less I think about food, the less power it holds over me, and I end up dropping a few pounds since I’m not going insane from cupcake deprivation. It’s so much easier not to try and cut back and I feel happier in my spirit.
But, on the flip side, isn’t anything worth having going to be hard sometimes? It takes discipline and years of effort to become a doctor or to master a musical instrument or to raise decent human children, so shouldn’t I be willing to put forth that same sort of diligence in achieving a hot body, if that’s what I want?
But whose idea of “hot” am I chasing? The beauty magazines on the racks make me feel like junk and I don’t think their vision of perfection is remotely attainable. Part of me still yearns to look like a supermodel, but I don’t want that if it means I have to live off lettuce leaves and have a running tally of the day’s calories dancing in my mind.
What I want, more than anything, is to be confident in my skin, regardless of my weight. To kick up my heels and dance at a wedding and not care if my butt cheeks look big, to walk down the beach with my family and not give a second thought to the cellulite on my legs (because, really. who even CARES?), to live a healthy life of peaceful moderation. I feel like I’m getting closer to that, and I think it’s a better goal than a number on the scale.
What about you? Do you fight for your body? Or accept it as it is? How are we supposed to reconcile the two extremes?
I know exactly how you feel! I feel the same way. I am 10 pounds away from the “goal” weight that you mention and I just can’t get there. And yes, it does bother me. I am in a hurry. I care about how I look even though I have a pretty good life, a great job, loving family, a blog…
I think your answer is a bit of both…you should maybe lower that goal weight of yours to 10 more pds instead of 20. So that you’re working somewhat, but still eating supper with your family. I don’t think it’s good for your mind to be constantly thinking about food/calorie intake. I would focus more on healthy eating, and exercise as both are things you can do with your kids without feeling guilt. I am aiming low and have the goal to not go beyond my current weight (ie. MAINTAIN)…and will increase my weight loss goal as time allows (the kids are all in school and I have that me time again). I could aim higher, but would have to sacrifice a lot of that family/togetherness thing you were talking about…not good. My kids/hubby love me the way I am, and I’m trying to let that be enough.
I love this post. I struggle with the same thing. I have now moved over to the acceptance side and my life is so much better. I still try to exercise healthy eating, moderation and exercise (mainly because it is a great stress release for me and I feel better when I don’t consistently eat junk) but I don’t obsess, I don’t diet, I don’t weigh myself, I don’t beat myself up over treating myself and I am working on accepting myself for where I am right now.
All you have to do is read the paragraph where you describe what your life is like when you are dieting and you contrast it with what it is like when you are not to find your answer.
I don’t see it as settling. I see it as freedom.
hmmmm. Your post made me hungry, what do I do? What do I do?!
Interesting reading everyone’s thoughts on this issue. Speaking as an “older” woman who has birthed 3 children (now all adults) I think a balanced approach is a healthy one (mentally & physically) presents a great role model for kids, as well as giving yourself some slack to enjoy the journey – and food is a very social part of that journey. One thing that no one mentioned though is how exercise is a key component to that balance. You don’t have to be a jock to exercise. And it promotes great endorphines to help with your sanity when the kids are driving you nuts!!! It also helps later in life with growing old gracefully. Even us 50+ women can be MILF’s! Besides, exercise is a lot of fun if you twig into one you really like.
Interesting post Amanda. I can see both sides.
I think that we mothers should model healthy eating and exercise habits for our children. I think that most of us know what that means. Eating a variety of foods, having occasional treats, exercising regularly doing something we enjoy.
If you want a Tosca Reno body, examine your motives, and then work for it.
Generally though, I think that we should be happy with what we’ve got, assuming we are healthy and treating our bodies properly.
Ah…
I had my first baby back in December and was determined to get my “old body” back come hell or high water.
I am happy to say that I have that body and it even weighs less than before (how that happened I do not know).
That said, we’ve started talking recently about when to start trying for number two (looks like this summer) and part of me feels some anxiety b/c of all of this hard work I’ve done and in 7 months I am going to undo it all over again and have to re-do (I’m sure with a lot more effort) it after that.
Sigh.
As daunting as it feels/sounds to me now – I know that my hard work and getting into shape is so important. i don’t have to be perfect and, with each baby I don’t expect that my abs will always look the same (tear) but my healthy body keeps me healthy to keep up with my baby, to be a positive role model, etc. Even just carrying a little extra weight can be damaging for your health.
If you have a goal, why not work toward it? Why not reach it?
This is an interesting post, Amanda… but you know that diets don’t work, right? Everything a person eats reflects a lifestyle, I think. I do believe that there’s work in getting a result that one wants, but I’m not sure that (should) apply to food. A person should eat/do/have anything one wants in moderation… including moderation. You can’t know what’s normal if you’ve never overdone it – that works for everything, I think.
I’m not sure what the trick is about looking beautiful and feeling beautiful… I think even the most “beautiful” women in the world wrestle with this idea. I learned years ago that in general, fashion magazines make me feel bad about myself, so I haven’t really bought many since high school. That’s been good for me. Of course, unless you live under a rock, you can’t help but see celebs doing all their stuff, but I also know how much of that is smoke and mirrors… Our bodies really are miraculous and forgiving, so stand up straight, and keep your tummy muscles taut when you’re walking around, elongate your neck… smile. That’s totally enough. (And never pick at yourself in front of your girls!)
You’re beautiful, lady!
Don’t forget, Amanda, that a woman’s total worth is determined by how others see her in comparison to the standards set by the fashion industry.
The sooner you learn that, and the sooner you conform to these externally dictated standards, the happier you will be.
I’ve finally realized that until I decided to do it for myslef, I wouldn’t make it. For years I’ve fallen victim to dieting for a specific event/person etc. and it never works. Falling short of those goals is hard on me.
I’ve had a tough time with my fitness goals for a long time and I know that feeling of being consumed by a diet plan all too well. I truly believe that parents lead by example, and that teaching children to have a healthy relationship with food is very important, as well as the importance of physical activity.
Don’t give up if this is something you truly want for yourself, just cut yourself some slack and set some attainable goals 🙂
Balance and moderation in all things!
I think that you should teach your girls that they are beautiful inside and out no matter what they look like. As long as they are happy with themselves thats all you should care about. I am constantly saying how I don’t like my body and my husband always gets mad, he says HE loves me for me and thats all that counts… then he poses the question to me “why should I care what other people think of me, are they the ones paying my bills, going to bed with me, raising my children…?”
I think that the most important thing is raising your girls be a strong part of society and have a well balanced family atmosphere. You wrote in your blog that when you are dieting thats all you think about and your family time and togetherness is less. Thats not how things should work! You are beautiful, and you have given birth to 3 beautiful girls and you should thank your body and loce it just the way it is.
My 6 year old is already saying things to me like I can’t wear that mom the other kids will make fun of me… or I can’t eat that mom Ill get fat. When she says these things I just sit back and think man you should be a kid eating whatever you want, wearing whatever you want and just having a carefree life. Not thinking about dieting and proper attire. But this is what we raise our children to think about, we are stealing their childhood from them.
Yes teach them that somethings we want in life require hard work and dedication, but teach them this lesson with something else not your body image…
Pretty much that’s what I said over at our blog today. Well, in my own way. I don’t have an answer, but I do have the same struggle. I worry that no matter what I do our girls will grow up as miserable with themselves as I am with me and that terrifies me. If you find the magic answer, please share!
Wow, Amanda, what a thought-provoking post! At the beginning I was all “Geez, just love yourself for who you are”, but your arguments in favour of working hard for a worthwhile goal are really compelling, too. I think the key point here is the WHY. If you’re trying to achieve someone else’s ideal of the perfect weight/body type…forget it. But if it’s important to you, if you feel better/more confident, are healthier and happier, sleep better, etc., then I think it’s worth fighting for. I think the clue may be in your phrase “I feel happier in my spirit”. To me that’s the most telling line in your whole post. I’d listen to my happy spirit, if I were you!