I took a pregnancy test this weekend.
It was negative. And I was relieved.
But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit there was a part of me that began to mourn the end of an era. As tiring and exhausting as it was birthing three babies in four years, it was definitely the focal point of my life at that time: I was ripe and fertile and full of life and possibility. Now we are moving on, and even when one is moving on to something great, there may remain a tinge of sadness for that which is left behind.
I will probably never feel the overwhelming sense of wonder and awe as that second line begins to darken on a pregnancy test; I most likely won’t meet another member of our family, a new baby to welcome into our home; I will never again waddle into a hospital, clutching my contracting belly, howling for an epidural. Those experiences are behind me, and I am OK with that. But there’s a starkness to that realization, and it’s one I wasn’t expecting to feel this early on.
Perhaps these emotions are rooted in the sense that so many of my paths have been chosen now. Ten years ago, I didn’t know what I was going to do for a career, didn’t know who I was going to marry, didn’t know how many children (if any) I would have, didn’t know where I would live or how I would spend my days. Now, all those things have been discovered. And even though all of the discoveries have been better than I could have ever hoped for, there is part of me that will still yearn for a slice of mystery and another chapter in an untold story. Of course, I don’t know what the next ten years of my life will hold, and there is plenty of room for new journeys* and exciting steps along the way, but the biggest pieces of the puzzle have been laid, and it’s a strange feeling.
Anyone else ever felt this way? Do those emotions pass, or just become something you grow accustomed to feeling every now and again?
*I can’t use that word without thinking of The Bachelor. Anyone else?
My husband got the big V when my daughter was 1 and we have a boy (6) and girl (4). There isn’t a day that goes by that I do not wish for just one more. The logical side of me knows better but my heart still wants another. That’s not to say that I don’t think the two I have are enough, I just can’t wrap my head around not getting to go to the hospital again and bringing home the most amazing gift ever.
I am at the other side of what you are going through. We are due in 36 days! And I’m clinging to every last moment of being childless….what will life be like with no sleep? Will we have a good baby, a healthy baby? Will we be good parents? I’m going to miss nights alone with my husband, and nights alone without my husband. Life is changing! I guess if I have a point it is that we just never know what is around the corner to make our lives better and more exciting. I am saying good bye to my child free life, and you are saying good bye to your child bearing life and we are experiencing the apprehension and anxiety that come with any kind of change.
I know this too. I especially feel it now, at a stage when I’m normally popping out a baby. It was exciting, and so much to anticipate/plan for…you’re practically a celebrity when you’re due, and you hold such a new and special thing for everyone around you. But you will see…many more things come to take it’s place. Time for running the kids around to all their sports, time for you to do home reno projects, bake and work out, or return to work. I made the decision in my third pregnancy that he was the last, or I might have found it even harder to really feel like I was done done. Now to get the tubal. sigh.
I certainly do, but I’m not so sure we’re done (sssshhhh don’t tell Corey). Some days that longing for another baby, another toddler, another big kid is so strong I could cry. Other days the two I have make me want to cry and eat a whole pack of birth control for dessert just to make sure I say unpregnant. I’m wishy washy like that.
I think God does that so when we tell our kids later in life as they near parenthood about our own experiences we can say, “We loved having you and wished we’d had a dozen more” as opposed to being so taxed and finished we say, “So, pretty much I’d rather have had zero kids and a dozen martini’s instead.”
After Liliana, I said I was DONE. There were NO MORE. But, now I’m expecting #3 and am open to the idea of more. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME.
I think it would have been funny if there were two pink lines on that stick.
🙂
Never say Never my friend! May I be a walking talking living breathing example to you!!! 🙂
I think it’s almost like “after the honeymoon” experience… that time when suddenly everything is not wrapped around the future (“when we’re married, then blah blah”) and you’re like, wait, whaaat? Where do we go from here? Life will still throw you surprises that change your life different from what you thought it might be… ie. a 4th pregnancy, a child with a unique gift, a job opportunity you can’t pass up somewhere in a foreign land, etc etc!
I always thought that once I had the house, marriage and children there would be nothing more to look forward to. At least not big life changing things. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Now we get to enjoy everything we have and live life. Watching my kids grow into independent people, with minds of their own, dreams, and hopes. I get to anticipate everything times 3 for them and it is awesome. Knowing there will never be another baby is a stage that I went through too, now I can’t imagine it any other way. And along the way, I have found me again!
The title of this post just about gave me a heart attack.
I totally know how you feel. I worry about what will happen once I don’t have those Major Life Events to look forward to, but whenever I feel that way, I just keep telling myself that this doesn’t mean the excitement will be gone from my life, just that I’ll have to work a little harder to create excitement of my own. I have no doubt you’ll do the same.
I know how you feel, Amanda. I think of the idea of another baby, and am just mildly wistful… I wonder if it would be a boy or a girl… how the DNA in that child would differ from that of the others… but I’m mos def done having babies. Really, I am. Thought I was *late* in May, and nearly lost my damned mind. Sooooooooo happy not to be, holy crap!
But, I feel you, Sugar. I do. It will pass. Enjoy your new stages!!