How many of your close friends aren’t moms?
In my community, it seems like as soon as you pop out a baby, you’re in, and there’s a sudden group of fellow moms waiting to welcome you into the fold. You will be surrounded by ladies who are dying to hear about your baby’s sleep schedule, how her bowel movements are going, and how you’re adjusting to life with a child. And these same women will be there as your kids grow up alongside theirs and it’s a beautiful thing.
But what about the women we know who don’t have kids (whether that’s by their choice or circumstances against their will)? Are they destined to feel like outsiders as we regale one another with tales of our horrific labours and details of our mucous plugs?
I admit that most of my friends are mothers. And many of them stay at home full time, as I do (until the spring when I go back to work). So it makes sense that these are the women I am able to spend the most time with; our schedules easily mesh to coordinate play dates and we get to linger over conversation while our kids beat on each other in the other room. We have a huge something in common: our kids. It seems as though we never tire talking about them and all they’re going through. There is always a new challenge or phase to commiserate with other moms about and try to get ideas and tips (or seething judgement and looks of disdain, if your friends are kind of douchey) on how to deal with them.
Being friends with other moms is easy. Being friends with people who don’t have kids can come with its challenges, but some of my closest, deepest friendships are with those who don’t have children. I have a friend I have known for 18 years and she was recently here for a visit. As the past two decades have unfolded, our lives have taken very different paths: she went to University and completed a Masters degree while I got married young and worked as a secretary and popped out three babies. However, through all those changes, the core of our connection has never wavered, and there are a few reasons why:
We are both genuinely interested in each others’ lives. I love hearing about her career and asking her questions about work and life in a bustling city. We have deep discussions about religion and ethics and relationships and marriage. She is eager to hear about my parenting experience and she loves to snuggle my baby and doesn’t roll her eyes when I launch into details about disturbing potty training endeavors. I have always felt completely supported and encouraged by her and I think she’s received the same from me. Even though we don’t keep in as close touch as we used to, when we get together for a visit, we slide back into a perfect groove and the moments pass with laughter and contentment and a deep sense of life-long friendship.
She held Brinley as much as she possibly could and oh, how it warmed my heart.
I think the key to maintaining relationships with those who don’t have kids is to find some common ground and take a break every now and again from talking about every little thing Junior’s been up to. It’s refreshing to hear about life “on the other side” and I think it’s worth fighting for.
What about you? Have your friendships with childless friends changed since you became a mom?
I only have one friend of a friend who has no children. I only see her in conjunction with my friend that she’s friends with, who she has all but cut off since she (the friend of a friend) found out she couldn’t have kids and took it quite hard and can’t seem to be around her friends who do have kids. I have only watched from the sidelines, not knowing what to say, as my friend has grieved over losing her friend all because she has kids and her friend can’t. It seems like a tough, and very sensitive situation.
I used to have close friends who had no kids, but they all kept getting pregnant! So now I have none.
It is bizarre … I am the same age as you, and I don’t have a single friend with a kid!! We have quite a large group that we hang out with regularly, all aged 28-31, and none of them have kids! No one I was friends with in high school has kids either. Everyone from my high school who is younger than me seems to have kids though! It is a strange thing 🙂 Kids are definitely in our future though!
As someone in a serious relationship with plans to have children, I definately find it difficult to fit in with my friends that have kids. I try to keep up with them, and love hanging out and playing with their kids, but we are on a different level of friendship then my friends that are mom’s. One of my best friends has a son, but he’s 7, so she’s past the baby stage of all the chatter about breastfeeding, mucous plugs and the like, so we tend to get along fabulously, and I adore her son. (FYI, if I hadn’t had an in depth conversation with one girlfriend about her delivery and giving birth, I would have never known that the mucous plug existed – and I thought I knew enough about giving birth! Ha! She told me and I was like, “Wha!? A mucous plug? Out of your va-jay-jay!?”) Anyways, I still cherish these friends but definately feel left out in those circles. I guess that’s just the way it is, but I’m hoping there will still be a few close friends who decide to wait long enough to have kids like I am… I mean, I’m only 25, but most of my close friends had kids at 20, 21. I’m definately glad I’ve waited, but may not have kids until I’m closer to 30.
I totally understand the bond between mom’s, since there is a type of relationship there that only mom’s can really understand. Maybe I’m noticing it more now because I’m at the – “OMG, I’m 25 and I want to have babies!” stage. (Seriously, I think my boyfriend is getting sick of me coddling babies at every chance I get, plus making him see how cute and cuddly they are. He wants children, and he gave himself till he’s 36 (he’s 33) so I guess I shouldn’t complain, since it could happen sooner than later!) I’ll be a supermom in time. 🙂
Thanks for writing about this, Amanda. I have followed your blog for a while now and have enjoyed your stories about parenthood. However, I’m not a mom yet and it’s difficult when all my friends who have children talk endlessly about their kids. I feel as though I have nothing to contribute to the conversation because I don’t really “know”. Some people choose to pursue other things before starting families, if they start families at all. And some people are not childless by choice, so it can be painful to hear about something your heart longs for. I have some close girlfriends who have kids but don’t talk about it all the time. We enjoy talking about their kids, but we also enjoy talking about lots of other things!
My best friend doesn’t have kids. Did it hinder us? Yes. But not enough that we would ever give up on the strictly adult time that is needed when you have three kids. It may be a challenge but I make the time to go out with just her. She is the same as your friend in the respect that she listens to my kid stories and is actually interested. She snuggles my kids as if they were her own. I can’t wait until she has kids so I can do the same for her. I also have two friends still from High school that don’t have kids and will probably never have them. That is okay as well. They live out of town so I don’t see them as often but like you said we will pick up right where we left off when I do see them. I must admit though….I LOVE my friends with kids. I need the support of someone who has been through the same things as me. I love getting together for play dates and watching my kids interact with theirs. It feeds me.
I can relate to feeling left out of the SAHM groups. I just spent some time searching my area online the other day for some play groups and things like that and every group I found in my area was geared towards SAHM’s and their descriptions were all something along the lines of “Our group is here to make the ostracised (sp?) group of stay at home moms feel like they belong” and my mouth kind of dropped open because I feel like as a working mom I am the one being ostracised. I can see it from both angles honestly, but that doesn’t make it any easier to feel like I can’t find a place to belong in my area!
I love this post, Amanda… and I understand what you mean, Natalie – I like including people in whatever’s happening in my life, and though I’m sure I’ve been flawed at it, I try to make sure conversations can include everyone – that has sometimes meant not inviting childless people to join certain activities, only because of the nature of the gathering. It can’t always be avoided.
I’d say that most of my friends have children now, so it’s less of an issue at this stage in the game. When I’m with my few friends who don’t have children, I’m conscious of keeping the kid-talk to a minimum. I believe our friendships still stand on the same love and respect we have always felt – the infrequency of visiting time is usually circumstantial. Such is life, I suppose. Le sigh.
Oddly enough I only have 1 or 2 friends that are moms. The rest are still couples that haven’t had kids yet (by choice, or not). But I’m still waiting for the “best friend” friendship like you are talking about…I don’t really have that with anyone.
What a great post and a wicked friendship. I had my first and only at 39 so I’ve been on both sides of the coin. There were women in our larger circle of friends who only started to talk to me when I got pregnant….I kid you not. I remember being at a bar right after announcing I was expecting, and this one woman who NEVER spoke to me pulled up a chair and started in like we were BFFs. My true BFF was at the end of the table and we sort of wide eyed each other and started laughing.
I do have many childless friends, both by choice and circumstance. And like you, we maintain a strong connection. I think it’s a testament to true friends – true friends are there no matter what.
No, I’m not friends with only moms. However, being a FT working mom, I often feel left out of the ‘SAHM’ Circle. I also feel like I miss out of all the ‘mom’ related things that are based on being a SAHM…like Bible Studies geared toward SAHM, the Mommy and Me exercise classes at the local gym, etc.
And I do agree with being left out before I became a mom. It took me a LONG time to get pg, and even for family events (like trick or treat, easter egg hunts) sometimes they would get together without us to do those things, and not even invite us b/c we didn’t have kids. It only happened a few times before I said something about it, but it is amazing how you really do get left out sometimes when you don’t have kids.
that being said…I think if I was the first mom to have kids out of my friends, I might have felt the opposite way. That all my single friends were doing things and I would have felt left out. I was actually the first one to get married, but the last one to have kids out of my close group of friends…so I think I felt left out when they all started having kids, and EVERY.SINGLE. conversation was about pregnancy, breast feeding, sleep schedlues, sick kids, etc…
I guess there is balance in every stage of life. I’ve seen my group of friends morph over the years, and some are still around and some aren’t.