After spending a couple days at our house, my sister-in-law, while watching the girls scream and scratch their way through the 19th brawl of the morning, gasped, “I never thought they’d FIGHT like this!”
Yeah.
The two big sisters are both very strong-willed girls and the fighting is incessant. Karenna, the younger one, pushes Avelyn’s buttons like there’s no tomorrow, and in turn, Avelyn (the melodramatic one of the bunch…wonder who she got that gene from?) has these outrageous over-reactions that please her little sister to no end. The cycle just keeps on giving and it feels as though I am breaking up fights for huge parts of every hour. It’s frustrating and tries my patience in the moment, but I also find myself worrying that they are going to grow up to hate each other forever.
Isn’t it every mother’s dream to have her children be good friends and have a deep bond that surpasses that of other friendships they may encounter? To know that her kids can count on each other for anything and have fond memories of growing up together?
At this rate, the girls are going to claw out each others’ eyeballs before they reach middle school, so they’ll have that in common. Even then, I picture them engaging in wicked sword play with their white canes and someone is bound to end up bleeding.
I wonder what degree of sibling rivalry is normal and healthy? And how can I encourage them to appreciate one another more to help build the foundation of a life-long friendship?
I have one brother, three years my junior, and I recall finding his presence so irritating as we were growing up. I found it very frustrating that he had a mind of his own and wouldn’t just listen to what I told him to do. We were both very strong-willed kids and we fought a lot, then once we got older we didn’t have much of a relationship until I moved out. That space gave us the chance to get to know each other on a different level and in the ten years since I left home we have really learned to appreciate each other and we have a great time whenever we see each other now. He turned out to be a really cool guy with a great sense of humour and a kind heart and he’s presently working on his MBA at Dalhousie University. (And he’s single! Any takers?)
(That’s him there. So dapper!)
(He’s going to kill me for posting this.)
I know of other people who got along great with their siblings when they were younger, but have no semblance of a relationship now that they are adults.
If I had to choose between hating each other’s guts as kids then ending up as close friends in later life or being good pals as kids but then growing terribly apart, I would definitely choose the former. I remember my mom hollering at my brother and me, as we were in the throes of battle, “One day, when you’re grown-ups, you’re going to fly in an airplane across the country to see each other because you LOVE EACH OTHER!” And you know what? She was right. My brother is in Halifax and this Christmas he’ll be boarding a jet to BC to come and spend time with is favourite big sister.
What was your experience with your own siblings? And how do you see your children’s sibling relationships taking form?
My sister and I fought like that until the last two years of high school. During my freshman and sophomore year I became extremely close to my sister and I was heartbroken when she went to college.
My parents didn’t know what to do with us. They stopped us whenever we started fighting. Honestly, once a sibling war has begun, it’s difficult to end.
Most of our wars were about some form of blackmail that we had on the other person. However, these secrets that we knew about each other ultimately made our relationship stronger.
It’ll get better for your kids too!
I’m passed the point of raising little kids – now I’m a grandmother. But sibling rivalry and the fighting that went along with it always distressed me greatly when our children were small. I really think we handled it poorly and now when our children are adults I observe how some of their relationships with each other are not the best – because we didn’t know what to do to improve them when they were little. As our grandchildren get into those stages of relating to one another I will be referring to a book I wish had been available years ago. It’s called, “Siblings without Rivalry: How to help your children live together so you can too” by Elaine Mazlish and Adele Faber. Here’s a short review on it:
This book sheds light on sibling rivalry and states that the rivalry is to be expected between siblings. But that doesn’t mean that we, as parents, just sit back and let it happen. This book gives parents practical, easy advice to use with our children when conflicts arise. It teaches how to empower our kids to solve their conflicts on their own; shows us how we put our kids into unhealthy ‘roles’ and often increase the conflict between our kids without even knowing it.
Hope you find the book helpful. I’m all for peace in the family!
Okay, I so totally don’t have any idea where to find the research on this BUT, a few years ago I heard a woman interviewed on CBC radio. She had done a study on adult sisters, and one of the surprising things she found was that those sisters who reported being forced to “kiss and make up” by their parents reported WITHOUT EXCEPTION much stronger bonds as adults.
It was a major aha moment for me, ‘cuz my mom had done that to me and my sisters and I absolutely hated it. It was one of those things I had always vowed I would NEVER do, but I changed my mind after hearing that story. I felt that I’d rather my kids look back at me with exasperation, but have a solid relationship with each other.
So now, when they are in a major tiff, I will say, “apologize to your sister, give her a hug and kiss and tell her you love her.” It’s gotten to the point now where they know it’s coming and will do it almost automatically. It usually ends up in giggles, but even if it doesn’t I look at it as a deposit in the old emotional bank account that they’ll be able to withdraw later on in life.
For the record, their fighting drives me absolutely OVER THE EDGE and I can totally understand now why my Mom would go bonkers when my sisters and I fought (hi Jen!) I remember getting smart with her with lines like, “why do you even care if we fight…it’s not like we’re fighting with you!” But it is absolutely the single most crazy-making aspect of parenting for me PERIOD.
But yeah, Jen’s right. My two sisters are so much my BFFs that I seriously can’t imagine life without that relationship. Nothing even comes close.
The siblings I knew growing up (very long story, about a badly fragmented family…) were all much older than me, so I was always the baby sister…which meant I didn’t really have anyone to fight with, since they all moved out of the house by the time I was 8. I was completely in the dark about sibling rivalry when I had kids close in age…
I went on to have three daughters, all within 4 years of age. The fighting started when the second daughter began having her own opinion (around the age of two) and hasn’t stopped for about 11 years…The oldest one thinks she is in charge of EVERYONE (including me sometimes…) and the rest of us seem to believe that we should have some say in our own lives/decisions…THE NERVE!
I have tried everything, and haven’t found any one thing that works permanently, though I do tell them all the time that “there will come a time when you need your sister… when no one else will be there for you… I hope you don’t ruin your chances of a good outcome with your petty behavior…” I don’t honestly know if it will make a difference. but I hope it does.
I wish I had some pearl of wisdom for you, but alas, I do not.
I had an older brother who was 21 months old when I came along. My parents were busy (students/teaching/pastor etc) and we moved a lot, so my bro and I were eachothers best buds. He was always very responsible and I was the crazy carefree one that he kept in line. I didn’t mind him being bossy, and I think I kept his very serious life more fun. We got along so well all through our years at home. When I was 5, my little sister was born and sort of threw a wrench in our happy family as she was really desperate to be included and I was forced to play dolls and share a room with her. We were never close at all growing up. Ironically, now that we are adults, my brother is still a best friend, but is totally busy in his own family for the time but I make him come over for supper ever Friday! Though my sister and I are quite different, we do get along much better than before.
My own kids fight like cats and dogs. My two oldest boys who are 2 years apart would tear eachothers eyes out if we left them together for too long. The second one is so over-reactive, that a simple shove can make him say…”R HATES me!!! HE is A BIG FAT bully!!” and so on, which just makes the eldest want to bug him even more! I absolutely hate sibling rivalry. It is the one part of parenting that I feel totally unprepared and unskilled to know how to handle. I usually just need to separate them when they are going ape, which makes me wonder why I ever chose to have kids so close together in age since now I have to work so hard to keep them apart. I am pretty sure they will good friends when they are older, and that is the only hope I hold on to during their nastiness.
cute bro!
Growing up I was 2 yrs younger than my brother who as I recall hated me from day one , sadly I have no good childhood memories of my brother , we were always fighting or he was telliung me he hated me.
Adulthood has led to awkward stilted how are yous in passing (I am closer to his wife than to him) brief conversations about dads cancer but I cannot connect to him and I find that sad , really really sad.
My sister is 6 yrs younger than me , I recall hating her from the day she was born BUT as we grew up , as she grew up we got better together. She came to live with me for a while and I love her to bits and miss her sorely now she’s not here.
Thing is you can’t know how this will pan out.
At least I have my siblings , though I may not do the “close” with the brother we do know we love each other , we are just too different.
I think your girls will fight for years (sorry about that) but in the end girls can be closer.
I hope yours are.
I have an older sister (3 1/2 yrs older) and a younger sister (just over 2 years younger). My younger sister and I have been inseperable pretty much since the day she was born, and still are. My older sister and I didn’t get along at all when we were younger. We used to fight like crazy. My Mom used to tell me “One day she’s going to move out, and you’re going to miss her terribly” (My mom’s sisters lived across Canada from us). My response was always “I’ll help her pack!” When she turned 18, she did move out…and I did help her pack. But my Mom and I were both right. I may have helped her pack, but I also missed her terribly. We’re now both married and have kids and we hang out together all the time. She is one of my best friends. I’m very glad that she only lives an hour and a half from me. Don’t worry Amanda, there’s hope. 🙂
Your brother is adorable! And you look so much alike, lady – Wow!
My sister and I are four years apart – I’m the eldest. The gap meant that there were ebbs and flows to our friendship – we weren’t super close when she was 14 and I was 18… and we fought, but we shared a room, and our father simply wouldn’t tolerate us fighting. I don’t know if that’s right or wrong, but he’d always say, “That’s your sister. After your mother and I are gone, she will be who you have.” Of course, that eerie kind of talk about your parents dying would stop us in our tracks… and then we’d whisper-fight. It was almost never physical though. She and I are closerthanthis now.
My kids are 4 years apart… different sexes too, and so far they’re fairly okay, but I see the scraps brewing. (And the small one is vicious with her older brother!) But I’m so glad you and your brother are close now! Stories like this give me hope. I have my fingers crossed…
I have only brothers and we were friends at different times and in different ways growing up- loads of fighting though. The older one used to bruise me in the arm! We would do anything for each other now. I have 2 daughters who are best friends and do not fight. They are different enough and similar enough for this to be easy for them to get along. I know it is not typical. Maybe even a bit bizarre-I wondered at one point if it had something to do with their dad and I being split but they truly have always been this way.
I hope this does not mean that they will not be close grown up!
My siblings and I fought like CRAZY growing up. My friends all seemed to have gotten along great with their siblings … I have asked them why, and they said that their parents wouldn’t let them tattle on each other, and that made them learn to work things out. Might be something to that!
You and your brother look SO much alike 🙂
Wow. Tough one. And my worst nightmare, too. My kids are still too young to fight but I am hoping to dodge that (yah, right).
I got along pretty well with my sister. We were in BIG trouble if we fought and so I don’t remember many.
She’s my best friend now and we have a very close relationship.
Please keep us in the loop if you find anything that works. (hey, maybe you could turn the sleeping crib in your laundry room into a wrestling ring. When they start fighting, put them in the ring and close the door )….just kidding of course!
you and your brother look so much alike!!!
I have three siblings, but my sister is my best friend. I talk to her all the time and I cherish my friendship with her. BUT, we HATED each other growing up. I was four years younger and was just the little annoying sister for so many years…until we both moved out, and now we are sooo super close!
my kids fight NONSTOP…and I just hope that when they get older, they will appreciate each other more!
I used to tell my Mum I was such a brat to her because I didn’t have a sister to fight with and vent all my frustration on. My brothers were all way older and way too strong to fight with much.
This really spoke to me! I have an older brother and two younger sisters. One of those sisters is VERY close in age to me – we were in almost all our extracurriculars together growing up and she was just one year behind me in school. Our parents had us share a room together growing up. If there is just one thing I would suggest to you it would be not to do that. Nothing’s worse at that age than going to town on each other, then sliding into bed together and having a kicking/pulling the covers fit. Zero privacy or time to cool down.
Now that we’re both fully grown and I’ve been out of the house for 5 years we are having an opportunity to start getting to know each other a bit better. It’s a very precarious arrangement we have going on but there have been some definite “breakthrough” moments for the two of us. I’m not sure the two of us would describe our relationship as being “close” but it’s… definitely a special, unique bond. I’d give you that much!
Good luck with your girls and take care of those crazy kids! They sound fantastic (:
My sister is 4 years younger. I couldn’t stand her growing up, so whiny and annoying and always trying to do EVERYTHING I did. And my mom usually let her. And I was always responsible for her. Too much pressure to be an “example” and always pretend like I wanted to be her friend. My mom pulled the Danica manuever above, it was always forced togetherness punishment and I still resent her for it today. I understand what she was trying to do but forcing us together when all I wanted was to be apart does not seem like the answer. Anyway, I still can’t stand my sister today, she is still whiny and needy and has no motivation to improve her sitution and I am the exact opposite. They say you can choose your friends buy you can’t choose your family. Thank god for friends. I hope my two (who’ll be 3 years apart) end up better than we did. I really wish you the best of luck and if you find an answer please impart your wisdom. 😉
Hey,
My sister and I were 15 months apart, me being older. We HATED eachother until about….8 months ago. I’m 22 now and she is turning 20 soon. What would have helped growing up is for other people to recognize us as different people, not just emphasize that we were misbehaved sisters who should get along. My mom dressed us the same (I hated it), she bought us similar presents at Christmas (I hated it). Try to embrace and emphasize the good characteristics in your girls that are different from eachother, and maybe they will start to appreciate their differences and rely on eachother! But…don’t expect any miracles. Good luck!
My brother and I fought like crazy when we were kids. Pretty much I thought I was his mother and he thought I was a pain in the ass – it worked for us. One of our fights pushed my poor mother to the edge of sanity and she wound up tying our hands together with a sock and making us walk around together all day like that. If we fought after that she threatened to do it for a week.
The turning point for me was in my teens. We were driving home and bickering as usual, she looked in the rearview mirror at us and said, “One day, your Dad and I will be gone and all you’ll have left is each other.” It struck a chord in my ever sensitive soul, and while we still fought the wind had been taken from our sails.
If you find any divine solutions to the fighting please let me know, as it seems B and A are following in their mother’s bickering footsteps.
When my kids were really little and the fighting began I tried this trick. I made them hug and kiss each other and tell each other something nice, and hug again over and over until they started giggling. It didn’t take very long and it worked like a charm. I wondered how long my trick would be effective, but now they’re 8 and 6 and it totally still works. Try it. You might like it.
My brother (exactly 2 years my senior) and I got along decently when we were really little (we fought but we could still play together sometimes). Then he became too cool for me in middle school and we stopped talking pretty much altogether. He still picked on me a little but ultimately we just had no real relationship. Then when he started college, he would live at the beach during his summer breaks. I started going to visit him at least once each summer because, hello, beach! Anyway, he’s since married and has 2 kids. He still lives close to the beach, but now I visit him because I want to visit him and his family and not because I want a free place to stay at the beach. We aren’t super close, but I love his wife and daughters to pieces, so we are friendly to each other.
My brother and I (we’re 18 months apart) (you’ve met him) HATED each other growing up. My mom made us hold hands and sit on the couch when we fought. THIS MADE THINGS WORSE. We’re now grown up and we actually LOVE each other now and I fly to see him because I WANT TO, not because my mommy told me to.
I know your pain with dueling daughters, although mine are older and farther apart in age they still tear each other apart, press each others buttons, and sometimes I swear that I’m going to knock their heads together if they DON’T GET ALONG ALREADY. When they’re having a particularly bad scrapper, I separate them. Soon, they’re begging to play with each other again … until the next fight.
I’d definitely choose the way my brother and I have it as well. Adulthood lasts a whole lot longer than childhood.
GOOD LUCK!
I have 2 sisters, 1 less than two years older and 1 less than two years younger. I know we fought. And I think probably much more than I remember but I ALWAYS thought of my sisters as my best friends. I could complain about them but anyone else? WATCH OUT! Sister loyalty kicked in full force.
Now as adults we live SO far away from each other but I miss them like crazy. We see each other a couple of times a year and talk every few days. They are my total besties. I don’t trust anyone like I trust them. I don’t laugh with anyone like I do with them. And I don’t love anyone like I do them. And now I see that connection with our kids – cousins.
My kids are close despite being nearly 4 years apart and different genders. But who knows what the future will bring? Whatever happens, though, I hope that they will “fly in an airplane across the country to see each other.”