With pregnancy and motherhood, there comes pressure to define yourself and your plans for childbirth, how you will feed your baby, and your parenting philosophy. Will you be an Attachment Parent who chooses a natural, drug-free birth, breast-feeds until your child is two, wear him in a sling on your body as much as possible and partake of the Family Bed? Or will you beg for a blessed epidural, pop a bottle of formula in your baby’s mouth and banish them to sleep in (gasp!) a crib down the hall in their own room?
In my experience I have refused to be completely labelled as either one extreme or the other: I pick and choose the things I see as beneficial from both camps and, along with my intuition, do what I think is best for our kids.
Here’s what that looks like for me: for my first childbirth experience I was in a hospital (that’s where I feel most safe and comfortable) with a doula and had an epidural (after 38 hours of prodromal labour). I tried to breast-feed but it was a gong show so I pumped for seven months, then switched to formula. I wore our baby in the Bjorn and did things around the house, but also made good use of the baby swing and bouncy chair when I needed a break. I spent my first night away from her when she was five months old and was totally fine; I didn’t feel like I was missing a limb or anything. Of course, I was happy to see her when we came home, but I cherished the time away. I didn’t really do a schedule with my first baby, and mainly just listened to her cues for eating and sleeping. When she was approaching her second birthday and still not sleeping through the night, we let her cry it out for a few nights. She had a bottle until she was two and a half and wasn’t potty trained until her third birthday. As you can see, I kind of pick and choose from many different parenting approaches and it’s worked pretty well for us.
Are you the kind of parent you thought you’d be? Did you plan to follow a certain parenting philosophy and then stray from it? Or did you do things just as you originally intended to? Do you identify yourself as a certain kind of parent, or just go with the flow?
Bravo! You sound confident and sure of yourself. You sound so sensible! You’re going to be fine. My Mom told me that my pediatrician told her to remember her most important tip. Trust YOUR intuition. Mother’s intuition… a valuable thing.
What a great post Amanda and SO WELL SAID Melissa!!!! I wasn’t really sure what kind of parent I would be, I just hoped that it was ingrained in me (as my mom promised me it was before she died). I truly feel like I’m flying by the seat of my pants 99% of the time but as long as he’s doing well, eating, sleeping and not terrorizing the neighbourhood, I feel successful.
Good lord, we make it hard on ourselves.
My style of parenting is “love your kids intensely and without bounds, know your values and stay true to them, and do what works for the everyday”. Why define it????
If there is a left wing or right wing to parenting we probably fall to the right of center. We kept a fairly consistent schedule, baby #1 slept in his bassinet in a separate room from us from day one (this was very difficult for me, but my husband felt it would be the best thing for us all, now I’m glad we did it that way, but the first night home when I was all hormonal and teary it was the hardest thing I’d ever done). I had a snuggli that I used for going for walks every day, but usually I just moved the kids from room to room using a swing, or blanket on the floor or even my nursing pillow for them to have some awake time. I nursed as long as I could, but I had to go back to work and pumping did not keep my milk flow up adequately. I was able to nurse both kids until they were 7 months, then it was on to solid food and no looking back The bottle transitioned easily to a sippy cup and was never used at night. We enjoyed the scheduled life, but we are lucky to have very easy going babies and now preschoolers. We were able to maintain their schedule, for the most part, whether we were at home or not. My kids will still go down at bed time even if we are at friends’ homes for the evening.
One thing I will do differently this time around is not give baby any specific blankey or stuffy. My daughter latched on to a stuffed elephant and still won’t go to bed with out it and has huge melt downs if she is upset and can’t find Elephant. This makes things tricky if we forget it when we travel somewhere. She is 3 and my husband says it’s time to get rid of Elephant, but I’m dreading it, and don’t really want to go cold turkey on her. We will probably just confine Elephant to her bed for now, and see how it goes. I’m also looking forward to not having to ween this baby as early since I’m hoping not to have to go back to work as soon.
As for birthing methods, I’ve done it both ways and was equally satisfied with the out come. I’m not getting my hopes up for an epidural this time around since my last labour and delivery was only 4 hours start to finish. The dr. warned me it could be extremely fast this time. Either way, there was pain and joy both times and everything gets foggy and hazy the more time passes Thank the Lord!!!
Amanda, I’ve read your blog for a few years now and it seems to me that you’ve made some really wise parenting decisions and I know your girls, and this new little one, will benefit from your efforts for the rest of their lives.
I was raised totally ‘attachment’ and loved it.. EVen though I liked being an ‘attachment baby’ and wanted the relationship with my daughter my Mum had (has) with me I did not want my parents marriage. So I fall somewhere in the middle. Isabelle doesn’t sleep in our bed. I had a natural birth (my reason for no epidural was the idea of the needle freaked me out and by the time I wanted it it was pretty much over) we cuddled her to sleep until she was around 3 months and one day cried when we cuddled her and slept when we lay her down by herself and since then she falls asleep alone. I breastfed till she was 1 when she didn’t want to anymore, part of me misses it (I wouldn’t have believed I would ever say that during the first 5 months) She slept through the night at 5 weeks, stopped at 5 months and is finally doing it again. She started asking to use the potty at 13 months. Now at 18m she has days when she only uses the potty all day and days when she doesn’t and we are pretty relaxed about it and let her do what she wants because she’s still young. I enjoyed carrying her in a sling and used a stroller lots too. I had this picture that motherhood was crafts, tea parties, picnics, adventures, forts, play and it is all those things, but even when you do all those things there are still a lot more hours left in the day. I didn’t expect to appreciate dora so much and be the mom who puts it on to go on facebook (or do the dishes.) I didn’t expect it to be such an accomplishment to shower and do my hair and dress ‘like me.’ I’m interested to see what kind of mother I am when we have another baby and even when we don’t live on the island
I didn’t have much of a plan when my son was born. I knew I wanted to breastfeed until 18 months or so. I wanted to use cloth but I never had the money to invest upfront. I let him sleep with me for part of the night. As he got bigger, I started to put him in the crib more but he didn’t start sleeping well alone until I started weaning him. He is still not weaned at 19 months and I’m really ready to be done. I just go with whatever has been easier for me and for him. There are things I will do differently next time, but I don’t feel like I’ve done it badly the first time!
I have a five month old and was very surprised to find myself using a lot of Attachment Parenting techniques. We didn’t plan to bedshare but our son would not sleep in the bassinet for longer than 20 minutes (he moved to a crib at 3 months and still sleeps with us if he is having a rough night a few times a week). And babywearing became my only way to get anything done in the first two months. I hope to nurse past 1 year but I will see if it is still working for us and then decide.
I did a med-free homebirth (it was amazing!) but I know that is not for everyone.
There are lots of options out there and I really think that what works for each child/parent is best.
For me my motherhood style as been a bit of journey. I went from not wanting kids until a career was firmly established, and even then opting for the average “2”, to now. Now, I have no career (outside the home 😉 and have three beautiful children. I am 26 which means, if you do the math, I married young and our first child shortly after getting married. With three currently, I do have an overwhelming sense that we are not done. I often fantasize about a large family (6 + kids), but then am quickly shot back to the reality of our crazy life.
With our first, we tried to do everything naturally as possible. Picking and choosing methods like you Amanda. Nursed until he was two, but he always slept in his own bed. I wore him in bjorn, but most definitely utilized swings, bouncers, exersaucers, and any other parenting tool that he liked. He didn’t eat solids until he was 6 months, but now MacDonalds is a weekly meal in our home. I made my own baby food, cloth diapered him, and weaned him as soon as his sister was born. Ava was an entirely different story, and has heart broken to have to stop nursing at 4 months as she simply would not nurse. We tried to make our own baby food and cloth diaper her, but between moving, renovations and navigating a new land we simply did was easiest and best for our family. She also HATED to be carried and DEMANDED her own space. So we respected the unique (and determined) little girl she was (And still is) and allowed her that despite my own hearts desire. Elijah is a mix of both. Sleeping in his own bed, disposable diapers, soother, nursing well but is now being subsidized with formula, he is a cuddler and I soak them up as much as I can. All three different, all three incredibly special to me.
My family has helped shaped me into the woman I am today. Instead of worrying about the little details of child rearing, I focus on the gift they truly are. I mean, we have moments of ‘what ifs’ and ‘if only’, but I try and only let them be moments. As mom’s, we do each other an incredible dis-service when we judge each other, or our children. We may not always agree, but we can agree on one thing and that is that we try and do the best we can given our circumstances and what we are given. Every child is unique. Every mother is unique. I am a mom, and I love being a mom. Being a wife and mom is the most important role I will ever have. It took me having three kids to realize that. God bless any mom who is willing to but herself out there selflessly and love.
{Long winded… sorry about that}
While we’re quoting wise sayings…”The best laid plans of mice and men, oft go astray.” 🙂
We actually are doing a lot of what we said we’d do, but there are some things…still breastfeeding, she still has a pacy, and I say no to more invites than I had planned…we didn’t plan to do.
I do have to say, though, that I may not agree with other people’s decisions, but I try not to judge or criticize. I wish others would do the same. I had an epidural (and will for every birth if I can help it), but I get frustrated with those who act like my experience was in any way compromised by that. We all have our choices…what I do is for me; what you do is for you.
I’ll get off of my soap box now.
I didn’t follow any sort of regime with my first – I nursed until 8 months, she had a bottle until 3.5 (BIG GASP!) and was in diapers until then as well. With my second, I nursed until she was 7 months old, she was weaned from the bottle by about 18 months and is nearing her third birthday having only peed in the potty once. And it was by accident.
But, with the second, we followed the Babywise book and LOVED IT. We didn’t follow it religiously, but loosly followed the guidelines and it made having a newborn so much easier. (For us. I know it doesn’t work for all babies/parents.)
I can’t stand attachment parenting, but that’s because I like my SPACE – I totally don’t have a problem with it as a whole. I just like my bed and my body to myself THANKYOUVERYMUCH.
Loving your 40 Week Wait posts 🙂
I think there is a reason they say “The road to hell is paved with good intentions” we all set out to be uber Mom and wind up uber confused. We’ve pulled our parenting “skillz” from books, different camps and to be honest, out of our butts half the time. We do what worked for our parents, we ignore what didn’t and try a little of everything in between.
I figure, we have good kids, happy kids, healthy kids and that’s about all that matters. So we’ve gotta be doing something right and the stuff we’re doing wrong can’t screw ’em up too bad.
You’ve got beautiful, and happy girls, you must have it figured out pretty good for you!
ps. Any gender on baby brown 3 yet?