I hate breast-feeding. There, I said it.
Before you call the La Leche League army to come and throw rotten eggs at my car and smash my kneecaps with crates of formula, please hear me out.
I hate breast-feeding, but I plan on attempting to nurse again with this new baby. If it works out, I will be pleased and shocked. But if it doesn’t, I will dust off my breast pump and make as much milk as I can for as long as I can do so without going insane.
On my personal blog there are detailed accounts of my awful experience with breast-feeding, but here’s a little taste of how things went down:
“Do you know what my most vivid memory of breast-feeding Avelyn is? I was sitting in a hard-backed chair in her nursery, my 18-pound boob resting on my lap, while Steve tried to pin her arms down to keep her from angrily flailing about as he unsuccessfully tried to ram her tightly closed mouth onto my swollen, aching body. She was screaming; I was crying. It was miserable.”
The problem lies in my anatomy. At the risk of overwhelming you with too much information, the main thing you need to know is that my nipples suffer from what I affectionately call Pancake Syndrome: they like to lie pretty flat and only really come out to greet you when it’s below freezing. As soon as my milk comes in, my poor flat nipples are stretched taut as drums and it’s virtually impossible for a baby to latch. My second daughter was a little more committed than her sister, but it still was a trial and I ended up pumping for her as well.
The biggest thing I learned through my breast-feeding experience is that we, as mothers, are more than the sum of our boobs and regardless of how you feed your child you can develop a deep and loving bond. All you can do is all you can do and we need to support one another through the trials.
What was your breast-feeding experience like? Did you experience obstacles that made you change your original plans, or was it smooth sailing?
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I too have the pancake nipple thing going on. When my daughter was born we tried and tried the breastfeeding thing in the hospital. The nurse finally brought me a nipple shield and it worked great. We tried to get her to breastfeed without the nipple shield but no luck. I used that thing for the whole year that I breastfed. I found it to be pretty rough but kept at it. Baby #2 is on the way and I am already preparing myself. At this point, if the little one doesn’t want to latch on and breastfeed, I think I’ll be ok with it. Good for you for trying again! I think there is a lot of pressure on mom’s these days to breastfeed and it is so hard, tiring and stressful. Best of luck!
I did not breastfeed either of my two children. (Insert audible gasp here). I feel I should qualify that statement with some long-winded explaination, but I am tired of explaining my reasons. They will remain between me, my husband, and my doctor.
At any rate, I bonded quite nicely with both children, and have some very fond memories of quiet feedings with my daughter snuggled in my arms. I truly enjoy feeding my son his early morning bottle, it is a wonderful quiet time full of love and snuggles. It is something I will desperately miss when he outgrows his bottles, I feel sad already seeing that “milestone” on the horizon. They are both extremely healthy children and they know they are loved.
My point is that no matter what, the time you spend with your children is what counts. If you have difficulties breastfeeding, know that you have other options; as long as you make choices for your children selflessly and out of love you will make the right decision. If that decision happens to be a bottle, so be it – it is not the end of the world, and I applaud your commitment to breastfeed as much as you can.
I loved breastfeeding, although it was a big adjustment in the beginning, and did it for a long time but if it had been difficult I can’t imagine how horrible that would be. A newborn baby, sleepless nights, crazy hormones and the stress of it?! Awful. Strangely, I felt judged bfing an older baby. There seems to be some magic number some random “expert” has put out there. You are horrible if you don’t breastfeed until X time but it is gross if you breastfeed after X. My son was 9 months, my daughter 19 months. It worked for us.
I find the extreme reaction to bottlefeeding bizarre. As a friend of mine said after struggling with breastfeeding and getting judged when bottlefeeding, “It is not like I am feeding him poison!” So true. There is much more to being a mother.
Hey Amanda
I looove your take on this. I was very ‘if it works it works and if it doesn’t it doesn’t’ and was prepared to take any one down who suggested I must try and try. Thankfully, it came easy to me and my son but I did have to tell the ‘lactation consultant’ at the hospital to leave us the hell alone and let us figure it out (to the silent cheers of the ICU nurses)! Hope it works but if not – I was never breastfed and my mom and I couldn’t have been closer…no difference to bonding if you ask me!
My daughter was a champion nurser, but at 3 weeks I got mastitis. I never knew my boobs could hurt so badly! But we made it, and at 13 months she is still nursing 3 times a day.
I did NOT want to nurse. Didn’t want a child attached to me for a year, but I love it. I am actually feeling a little sad that we’ll be stopping before too long.
So, no horror stories, although I wouldn’t wish mastitis on an enemy!
I was the exact same, my son could NOT latch, we tried everything, from nipple shields to pumping a little then having him try to latch, etc. I have a feeling it will be the same with the next kids, but who knows. I pumped and bottle fed for 8 weeks before i had had enough. Pumping + Feeding every 3 hrs is exhausing!!! by the time we would go back to sleep it was time for the whole thing to start over again. good luck this time!
There is always a lot to talk about when you bring up the topic of breast feeding. My main memories with #1 was using a timer because I knew I could do anything for 15 mins, even if it was toe curling pain for 15 mins. Luckily for me things improved quickly. A couple things that I found to be bogus, but might work for other moms: A) using my milk to keep my nipples from cracking. Once a very nice friend introduced me to Lanolin things got better in a hurry, and to my knowledge my first born did not suffer from the taste, texture or any other discomfort. B) Letting my kid feed whenever they cried. I found it so much better when we implemented a feeding schedule. Nothing ultra strict (except the timer thing I guess, but that was temporary, and only for one side), I did not deny food to my baby, but using the schedule helped me to know what he needed and helped me to identify his cries and sounds too.
Baby number 2 came within 15 months of baby number 1 who I nursed for 8 months. I attribute the ease with which she acclimatized to breast feeding to the fact they were so close together and I was now a seasoned veteran.
There has been more time between #2 and #3, so I’ll be interested to see if things go as I remember or if I’ll have to learn everything all over again.
i suffered from the ‘pancake nipples’ too. but, i had a WONDERFUL midwife who gave me a nipple shield. they were harder to come by 6 years ago when my 1st was born but now days you can get them everywhere!!!
like TARGET!!! (i love target!):
http://www.target.com/gp/detail.html/190-1708973-8706629?ASIN=B000067PQ0&AFID=Froogle&LNM=B000067PQ0|Medela_Standard_Contact_Nipple_Shield_24mm&ci_src=14110944&ci_sku=B000067PQ0&ref=tgt_adv_XSG10001
i couldn’t have breastfed without one!!
Like Marie Green I was also one of those who LOVED BF but I had a really rocky start too.
Who knew BF could be so much work and that there was so much to learn? I had a bit of a ‘early’ babe (36 weeks) and he had an immature suck which made it frustrating for me. I also had tremendous engorgement and will never forget how amazingly massive and rock like my boobs became and how much trouble latching was.
I called in my lactation consultant friend, got my husband to read and watch videos on line and just sat back and tried and tried. At around 3 weeks it finally got easy for me and I BF for one year and now I miss it a bit. I was surprised at how many weeks it took for me to feel comfortable with latching and BF overall.
Good for you for making the decision to try it out once again and also for ‘having a plan’. I totally think that if BF becomes this huge major stress that it is not worth it. I think it is better to have a happy mom overall.
Looking forward to hearing more details as your pregnancy goes on and the baby is here.
Breastfeeding for me was a nightmare both times. Apart from the physical pain, the trauma of restraining the baby (we had to force scratch mittens on #1 at each attempt) and the feelings of failure, are the guilt and judgement loaded on by others (sadly, often other moms and/or women) at a time when we are most vulnerable. I nearly didn’t leave the house for fear of the looks and comments when giving a bottle – turning what should be the happiest time in my life into one of self-doubt. What a great way to start life as a mother!
Hooray for some honesty 🙂 I made it 6 weeks with my daughter and I can say there wasn’t one moment of it that I enjoyed. From the very beginning, it was a nightmare. She wouldn’t latch, so the lactation consultants at the hospital gave me a nipple shield… and that doomed me to a very very screwed up supply. I never had my milk come in, and by 6 weeks, my baby was starving. I couldn’t pump more than an ounce or two (IN THIRTY MINUTES! BOTH SIDES! OUCH.) When I finally stopped, I leaked 2 drops and that was it. It was… anti-climactic.
I’m pregnant again now, and I’m hoping it goes better the 2nd time. I know more now, and I’d love to be able to enjoy it. But, if it doesn’t work again, I’ll be fine with that. My almost-3-year old obviously doesn’t harbor any resentment over it 😉
I wrote at length (well, a lengthy post, I suppose) about it, but it wasn’t good, not in hindsight. I liked it, actually, but I never produced enough milk because stress drained me dry, literally. I stopped at two months and Kyle became a different, plumper baby. I don’t regret trying. I don’t regret stopping.
I think it’s so honorable that you are even willing to pump, I know a lot of women just give up and go to formula! Nursing for me was rather easy, but even still I didn’t love it. I’m fairly private when it comes to that kind of thing, so I HATED nursing in public, and as soon as baby was old enough that he/she’d start pulling off the blanket, I refused to nurse in public, I’d just pack a bottle (of formula, because I suppose I’m lazy). I hated being tied down, like you can never leave for more than an hour or two, it felt like I was in prison. My girlfriend nurses EXCLUSIVELY until her kids were like 1 or 18 months or so, and I just think that is so amazing. I could NEVER do that, I’m way too selfish! :S Anyways, I say good for you. Do what you can, and beyond that, don’t stress. I don’t believe there is a “right way” or a “wrong way” when it comes to that kind of stuff, I just say do what you’re comfortable with and what works for your family so long as you’re not hurting or harming anyone!! 🙂
I too have pancake syndrome and my child came out STARVING. The nurses and the lactation specialst at the hospital kept on pinching and squeezing my nipples and shoving them in my rooting child’s mouth. It was terrible. He kept on losing weight so my pediatrician told me to suppliment. He loved formula and bottles. I survived bottle feeding and pumping for almost a month before I thought I was going to lose it. I was super dissapointed, but got over that once I realized that on the weekends my husband could help with the middle-of-the-night feedings!
But with future children I may try herbal suppliments to see if I can produce more milk. Otherwise Enfamil here we come!
When I had M my goal was to make it 6 months. I luckily had a pretty easy time nursing and ended up nursing for 18 months – waaaaaaay longer then I ever imagined I would. Obv by the end it was only twice a day (AM & PM) but I grew to love it. The first 6 weeks or so were kind of miserable in that she wanted to nurse ALL THE TIME, but somewhere along the line, someone told me to think of it as my job – it will take 8-10 hours of your day everyday – and that made it easier to deal.
Now with baby 2 just a few weeks away I’m praying I have an easy go again because honestly the thought of preparing bottles and buying formula (do they make that stuff out of Cristal champagne crystals cut with pure heroin? holy crap it’s crazy expensive!!) scares me. Yes, I was tethered to my child for a year and a half, never away from her for more then about 10-11 hours but I also never had to worry if we had a back-up can of formula or clean bottles or had to schlep several days supply of the stuff around when we traveled. I was also very, very lucky to have never suffered from any blocked ducts, engorgement, cracked nipples or any other common and painful side effect of breastfeeding **ducking to avoid the thrown tubes of nipple cream**
I did have just the opposite problem that most people have – M never, ever accepted a bottle of anything. We tried every trick in the book for over 6 months before finally giving up (and ended up dumping gallons of pumped and frozen breast milk as I wept. Pumping is downright awful). We had every kind of bottle on the market from the cheap drug-store ones to the $25 special breast-shaped kind. We tried frozen breast milk, fresh breast milk and all brands of formula. She refused it all – no matter how hungry she was. I got a particular kick out of the time my mom and older sister (who is a mother of 2, herself) were visiting for the weekend when M was about 8 weeks old. They got it in their heads that we were just silly first-time parents and they could make M crack and take a bottle. They sent me out of the house all day and said not to worry. About 6 hours later they called, telling me to come home right way because M was screaming her head-off and was starving.
Did I mention that after my 12 weeks of maternity leave (in the not so family-friendly US) I went back to work full-time? Luckily, I had a very understanding employer and had already selected a daycare literally across the street from my office. But for about 3-4 months after returning to work, I came in early and skipped lunch to instead run across the street 4x a day to feed our little vampire. It’s always something…
I am one of those people that really, really loved breastfeeding. My first go at it was rocky though too. I had twin newborns, extremely sore nipples, bleeding, infections, etc, etc, etc. But I am nothing if not stubborn, and I was NOT going to give up my ideal just because there were two squalling mouths to shove nipple(s) into instead of one.
After we got over the “hump” (at, um, like 8 weeks) things were smooth sailing. I felt so wonderful for overcoming all that I did, and let’s face it- exclusively breastfeeding twins made me a super-hero, and who doesn’t love being a super-hero?
(I think much of my stubbornness came from the fact that I was feeling so out of control of so many things- the fact I was having TWO babies instead of one, the fact that I was forced into a Csection, etc. Breastfeeding was something I could control, and control I did!)
Anyway, now I’m a doula, childbirth educator, and in fact I’m teaching a breastfeeding class tonight. Even though I loved my experiences (I nursed a third baby a few years after the twins), I’ve worked with enough women to know that every person, every baby, every family has a different situation. I support all kinds of women with all kinds of breastfeeding needs, and I love it all.
I hope it goes better for you this time, Amanda. But if not, cheers to your breastpump, and cheers to you for giving your struggles a voice!
I had a horrible start with both my children, but I stuck it out, survived 17 months w/ my first and we are still nursing at almost 18 mo w/ my second, never ever thought I would make it past the first week. Breastfeeding is harder than I ever imagined at first, and though I made it past a year, I don’t think I can say I “love” it, but my babies do. Good luck with trying again. And the flailing arms brings me right back to those first days of struggling, ugh, but we did learn about the “baby straight jacket” which was a way to wrap the babies arms in a receiving blanket so they wouldn’t get in the way when trying to latch on, this technique was my saving grace w/ my firstborn, oh how he use to flail.
I had a difficult time with everything with my first daughter (I read your other blog and she actually sounds a lot like Avelyn personality-wise), but we made it through the bloody nipples and things went pretty well after the first month. It is tough, though. I read something about the learning curve taking about six weeks and then it gets MUCH easier– and for me I actually found that to be true.
I nursed her for 13 months– at which point I was already 4 months pregnant with #2 (surprise!). My 2nd daughter is still nursing a couple times a day at 16 months (mainly before nap and bed… and at 4am.) and I’m surprised how much I enjoy it. It’s a lot different when they’re older.. she’s such a busy kid that it’s our only real cuddle time, and it’s only for a few minutes so I love it. I don’t see us keeping it up for years or anything, but we’ll probably keep going for a few more months as long as nothing else gets in the way.
Good luck with #3! You’re right, though. You do what you can do!
I love your honesty! Do what you can, and never feel like you have to apologize for what you do or don’t do!
I breastfed for six months and hated it. I produced so much milk that it was ridiculous and I leaked constantly. While nursing on one side, the other side would leak so bad I’d have to cover it with a receiving blanket so I wouldn’t soak myself. When I finally stopped breastfeeding, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. This is why I would never judge anyone for not wanting to breastfeed. It’s definitely not for everyone. However, I did love my pump and thankfully my son took a bottle, and you can’t beat the weight loss factor that comes with breastfeeding!
I empathize with the pancake nipples, as I have a set of my own. My issue was more that my son was born weighing 9 pounds and came out of the womb starving! He was a baracuda when he wanted to eat which was about 19-20 hours out of the day, needless to say I was sore. We made it through though and I grew to absolutely love nursing. I was sad to give it up a few weeks after his first birthday but we were both ready. Now, pregnant with my second, I’m a little nervous how nursing and caring for a 21 month old is all going to work out. I guess we’ll find out in july!