When you are a single mom being close with your children is a slippery slope, especially with daughters.
You love them so much and you honour their clever insight, wisdom and how well they know you. But they are your children.
Their load will likely be different. You don’t have that partner to confide in and share funny and intimate things with and throw ideas at. Sometimes your children crawl into bed with you at night and snuggle.There is plenty of room in there after all. And sometimes they sleep there and it is lovely. But they are not your partner. Even when you don’t have one.
The next thing you know they are borrowing your clothes and confiding in you. All like that best friend you cherish so much. BUT THEY ARE STILL YOUR CHILDREN.
When you have a dating site open and she approaches, do you close it quickly? Or does she help you shop for men? Does she comfort you in a break up?
When your bills or banking site are open, do you close them quickly or does she pass you a tissue and you have a good cry together over financial matters?
I have a very strong opinion about this. On one hand I have told my children they can come to me for truth always. They can ask me any question on earth and I will answer it to the best of my ability and honestly. No matter what it is. This is important in our household. But on the other hand- I feel their job is to be children, to not worry about me, to not be thrown into the adult world prematurely.
They must see me as stable and capable and not worry that I need their help to make decisions that are adult. I want them to be as free as possible to make their own choices and not worry about me. While I don’t hide reality, I do not turn to them overtly with burden.
While all I might want to be is close with my growing daughters, a bit of distance in certain areas is right for me. And, I believe, right for them.
Thank you Nancy. I am not sure about beautifully but I definitely am trying.
Kath I am cheering for you right now- how is it all going?
I am so sorry for your loss and the hidden debt. I am sure that makes for very confusing emotions. It sounds like you are handling it beautifully and believe me I have tried my best but not always been perfect.
I wish you happiness and peace in the nearest future possible.
Your article hit home more than you can ever know for my 16 year old son and myself. My husband passed away unexpectedly almost 9 months ago and left huge unknown debts. It has been impossible to shield my son from the constant barrage of creditor calls and from the registered letters. It is also impossible to hide my constant stress from him. Nonetheless, I have reminded him again and again that I am the Mom and he is the kid. I will always be honest in answering his questions but I do not give him every detail. Also, as difficult as it has been, I do not say bad things to him about his father for leaving us in such a mess.
My son and I have always been close and I know he is very mature but I endeavour to ensure that he does not have to deal with matters with which kids should not have to deal.
So well put, Nancy. And so important. Let your kids be kids.
yes special, yes volatile, so true, Julie.
That is interesting- yes we want to stay 12 to our parents. There are some things though that I have come to share with my kids because they needed to know it for the going forward part. I have let them grow up to knowledge bit by bit I hope properly. Myth busting is also important as people grow up, I think. Although tough.
I like the tea pot idea although my personality may be more of a downspout or bucket. But that is a beautiful metaphor!
snuggling with your babies at any age very very good- in fact right up there with top ten of life’s pleasures. Could not agree more, Sara.
Absolutely.
My parents split when I was 26. I had to remind both of them more than once that even though I was an adult – I was still their daughter. So if the information about the split was inappropriate to share with me if I was, say 12 years old…then it was inappropriate to share with me at all.
I watch my husband struggle with this with our oldest. It’s a constant discussion and I often have to remind him…”You’re his father, not his friend. It’s not your job to make him like you.”
How true Nancy.
Life is always shaped by where and how one draws lines.
Home is where our children need to learn that what we choose to share and not share is a sign of how we respect ages and stages in life.
Being honest and open as a parent doen’t mean one needs to spill over like a tipped water pitcher, it’s more like being a teapot that pours out carefully into cups based on their size, working hard not to overflow them.
Speaking of tea, time to make a cup and ponder your post some more,
xo
i
Nancy – you are so bang on with this – I think it’s such a fine balance.
I was so close to my mom but she was always my mom first….
I’ll tell you though – they absolutely do not make up as a partner…but I’m loving the now and again sleep overs in my bed.
years ago my mom was a little put out cuz i put my best friend’s name under “best friend” in a high school travel application. she thought she would be my best friend. i told her i had 3 best friends since this one, i have one mom. (i still have that best friend, too!)
i think that’s why the mom/daughter relationship is so special, volatile, needed, craved, hated….there is only one! when it works it’s like nothing else and when it doesn’t, it’s nothing short of tragic.
Thank you Aileen. I appreciate your supportive response
I think that’s important whether you are a single parent or not. We also have an “ask anything” philosophy but we are careful not to discuss “adult” matters in front of the children. I can see how easy it would be to fall into a pattern of treating your teenage children as equals in these matters, especially when you don’t have someone else in the house to bounce ideas off, but I agree, they are still children, not partners or friends. I always appreciate your balanced views on life Nancy. I think you are a wonderful mother and role model for your girls.
I think you’re absolutely right, lady. 🙂