19 years ago today I got out of bed to get married. It was a day just like today- beautiful light snow fell in abundance. I felt sure it was a good omen.
Unlike many brides it seems, I did not like the attention as much as I probably should have, given the cost, the planning and the expectation. Weddings are beasts with 6 heads and have a way of taking over normal life and normal behaviour.
I married a man who unlike my father was a spoiler. He adored me and showed me in a thousand ways. He cooked amazing meals for me and cleaned up afterwards (a pairing not always available). He wrote a song for me and sang it at our wedding. He showered me with gifts and flowers and cards and love letters. He begged to pick me up after work. He was extremely affectionate. After I became a mother I said “what am I going to do with my life?” He said “I see you now – you can do anything.” I have never forgotten that.
I felt so safe with him and so loved. I was so excited to love him back.
There were some difficulties at the beginning but mainly we were happy. I felt sure loving him would make everything right. We had a few babies and were very good parents to them. The days were filled with good things.
As my children started to grow , we did not grow together. I had become very pragmatic about what we needed to do and he had become even more of a dreamer. I was doing everything by myself, virtually like a single parent. My understanding was he was working full time outside of the home and I was working full time inside the home. Truth was he was chasing dreams half way around the world, spending money we did not have. I went half crazy trying to make him see what needed to be done. When he knew I would not like what he had to say- he made up a better version. I am a trusting soul- I chose to believe.
There was gut instinct though and it always intercepted any chance of peace I might have.
When people allude to people giving up too easily on marriage I practically fall down. I have never worked so hard on anything.
This is a date I always plan something special to highlight how far I have come from the innocence of 19 years ago. Tonight I am hosting a Christmas dinner here with my closest friends from school. There are ten of us. Amazingly, given the statistics and the way I felt getting married, I am the only one no longer married.
Thanks for sharing this, Nancy. Lovely you… I’m glad you have new plans for this day – enjoy everything. You did not fall down. xox
So touching, Nancy. Congratulations on everything you’ve accomplished and on being the amazing person that you are.
Nancy – what a beautifully written post. You are amazing.
thank- you Jen. I guess I started talking again last week in our meeting and felt it had some value for others. I also believe that we never know what someone else is struggling with.
Idas – I appreciate your story too and am so glad it has all worked well for you. I actually use the 80-20 in a lot of areas of life and think it has huge vlaue- best, n
it was hard to write but I figured it might offer someone something.
thanks for always being there, part off my family then and now. xoxoxo me
Wow, Nancy. So very powerful. I love that you say you never worked harder. We should never assume to understand what it is like for someone else. I am so proud of you for not only sharing this but for seeing yourself so clearly and living your truth.
Powerful Nancy.
I married in 1995. 21, shiney and new.
Fiends wanted details about wedding nonsense and older women used to mutter smugly about the future after the wedding is over. I just shrugged it all off saying we were different and it would not happen to us.
I was 35 when I learned about the 80/20 rule. (80% acceptable, compatible or complementary traits balanced to reconcile the %20 that is incompatible or unacceptable.)
It was luck and not design that our compatibility eventually evolved to the 80/20 ratio but I don’t recommend “growing up” this way. I was a really angry person in my 20’s because of the turmoil and frustration.
My dad turned to me as were were just before the corner to head down the aisle. He said: There is nothing, nothing to lose in waiting a bit longer to do this”. His timing was a bit off but his message rang true. Science lagged behing 15 years to show this.
New research shows now how the human brain changes from the teen-early 20’s. Where “executive” thinking is processed in the brain actually moves and the change is complete for men close to 30 and for women a bit earlier.
It’s possible to meet a mate young and find a lasting match,
Imagine though how we could frame our perspective a little differently and if there is no rush, no pressure for a white dress and a big material production.
What couple woud not benefit to take some time and think about 80/20 and see how that changes a little over time?
Now when a woman announces their nuptuals, I only smile. If asked, the only thing I comment I offer is the 80/20 rule. Is the best gift you could every give a woman or a man long before a permanent commitment occurs.
I clipped this article for my girls back in 2006 for when they are thinking of partnering in the future: It’s by Kristin Armstrong I found in Glamour Magazine http://www.glamour.com/weddings/2006/07/kristin-armstrong
Thank you Nancy for your sharing, it opens up conversations for so many people.
xo i
Nance,
I’m sure this was difficult to write but I’m so glad you did. I hope it helps you with today. It was a beautiful day 19 years ago. You were amazing then. You are incredible now.
Love you tons.
Laura