This is from a reader of my personal blog– who I have come to know digitally only- who has shared, like many of my readers, so much of herself with me. Although affairs were not the problem in my marriage, I have come to understand them. I used to think they were the lowest of low-and now I realize that loneliness-the deep and wounding kind- can lead to many things we normally would not do. The need to feel alive when you are dying is the human thread.
“I had been maried 17 years by the time I was with anyone other than my husband. To put that in perspective, I was 18 when I first had sex with my ex and 35 when I found myself with someone new. That is a lifetime.
My ‘ first time ‘ was not actually after my marriage ended, but more while it was ending. We had been in counselling for years and talking about breaking up, but truth be told I was still very much married. I sense that this is the point at which I am supposed to say I am not proud of my behavior, that I regret it and that I learned my lesson, but all those things would be lies. I am very glad I did it and actually quite proud of myself for it as well.
I was in an unhappy marriage and I felt unloved. I felt that I was inherently flawed and incapable of a healthy sexual relationship. I don’t blame my ex husband for this. We were not a good fit. I was not honest with myself or him from the start. I faked feelings I didn’t have and then internalized the shame of not loving the man I was supposed to share everything with.
After three children I felt old and unattractive and then I met HIM. He was not married, had young children the same age as mine and he travelled in the same social circle as I did.At first we just talked, soon we confided and finally we planned. I remember the minute I crossed over from ‘could never’ to ‘will’. I was driving home from dropping my sons off at school and found myself running over a conversation in my head where I would ask him to have sex with me, no strings attached. I didn’t feel embarassed about it or ashamed. I felt excited. I went through the conversation and found he was willing, if a little concerned. He asked why I wanted to stray. My answer was “I want to feel something, anything.” Right before the night we were to meet I got cold feet. I had given birth several times, didn’t have fake boobs or even manicured nails. He said I was a present he wanted to open.
We met in a local park late at night in my minivan. One of us should have splurged for a hotel at least! After going for a walk where he confirmed this was somethign I wanted to do and that I did not expect anything afterward, we went back to my van.
The second he started to kiss me I started to shake. I was not scared of the adultery; I was terrified that I did not know what to do….. I was shaking so badly he stopped kissing me to hold my shoulders still. He was worried I was regretting it, I assured him I wasn’t. Just rusty! Finally in the act (booster seats moved to the back and us lying on the middle bench seat like teenagers), I started to laugh at a really inappropriate time. I had to quickly explain that this was just so not me. I was a soccer mom! I walked through life half asleep; I did not have sex in parks with men who were not my husband (and defintely not my husband).
I can’t say the sex was great. In fact in retrospect it was a far cry from great. But this was the night of the rest of my life. This night gave me the courage and confidence to leave my marriage. I was not dead, I was not frigid. I was sad and alone even though I was married.
The next session with our therapist I admitted I wanted out of the marriage.
I won’t bore you with the details but I eventually confessed to the affair and was not so shocked to see my ex burst into tears with his own admission of multiple affairs. We could not pretend things were other than as they were. We limped forward for a few more months until finally separating.
I am so grateful for that first time. I saw my adulterer a few more times over the next year but nothing ever came of it and that was fine. It is because of him that I went on to find the man of my future who I now gratefully share my body, my heart and my mind.”
That was… wow. I appreciate this lady for sharing her story. And this furthers more to the point that nothing in this world is black and white. And the grey area can really s-t-r-e-t-c-h for miles and miles…
you are teaching me a lot and I greatly appreciate it. Infidelity scares and threatens all of us because trust is all we have at the end of the day. But our need to feel loved and accepted in this world is so critical it should be considered in the hierarchy of human needs.
I see why you needed to do this and I am happy you found a way out of a bad situation and into a happy and good life.
I really appreciate your honesty and candour. Thank you so much.
Hi, I am the writer who sent that to Nancy. I think you are right Erin, I was a chicken and I should have gotten out and then moved on. No question. What isn’t in that story is that my first husband was my first anything and after 17 years of what I now know was an emotionally and occasionally physically abusive relationship I didn’t have the confidence or the strength to leave. I fully believed I was unlovable. This affair showed me that I wasn’t. I don’t think I could have left without it. Not right, or good, but the truth. Were my current husband to cheat on me, or for me to even contemplate it, is unthinkable. I see your side too. I wasn’t right. I know that, but for me I wasn’t wrong either. Does that make sense? I am sorry for your pain and for anyone who has been hurt by affairs. I don’t condone it. I hope this clarifies things.
Wow, I am amazed at how close your situation is to mine. I have not been with any other men, but I have thought about it.
I am lonely and sad in my marriage. I love my husband, but I am no longer in love with him and so far, no amount of therapy has helped to change that.
Thanks for sharing your story
again I agree wholeheartedly. This is a loaded topic. I have learned a lot about grey in this area that was very black and white for me. Thanks for reading and commenting, Christine.
Erin- I think what you say is more often the case- extraordinarily damaging and painful. This is just one person’s opinion and also retrospective after finding happiness. I have no doubt that she experienced extreme pain in other ways and at different times.
Thank you for sharing. best-n
I agree Erin. Same here.
It hit VERY close to home for me. And like your situations, both parties were not ready to move on. One just selfishly decided to.
Very painful for everyone involved.
Wow, that’s very honest writing.
I have a different perspective. Not my own but that of my husband and stepdaughters. And that of my father. The affair in those cases was very, very damaging.. All of them were deeply hurt, deeply. I can’t really express it, because the emotions are not mine to express but I can tell you that I have seen the effects. So, I guess there are many sides to each story. In the story above, both parties were ready to let go, in other stories, not so much and I think that the break up should come first, painful as it is for all, it is less painful than the betrayal of an affair.
Wow.
Just wow. I love the unabashed honesty of this post.