When your marriage is dying, a slow and painful death, you try to resuscitate it, inject it with passion, jump start it with creativity, take it on a trip, buy it a bauble, flowers, even give it a new baby to liven things up. Some of these solutions work but only for a short period. And then you are left with asking yourself -the greatest indulgence-for permission to leave.
I use to lie in bed at night and ask for a sign. Maybe I am crazy or selfish and don’t know how to endure difficulty, I thought. Maybe if x happens, then we can get back on track.
My children had both been at camp together for the first time- for a full two weeks. I knew what I was left with. I worked for the first week and had taken the second week off. I fled to my family cottage and built three chandeliers and took a large white canvas and painted it midnight blue-almost black (a sombre paint colour I never use). At that point I did not add anything to the canvas. Could not.
When they returned from camp, I was combing my little one’s hair out in the bath- as she clearly had not brushed her hair in two weeks. She was chattering and singing and telling me stories and I was thinking “God help me. Show me a sign that I can leave.’
I woke up the next morning with a huge rash under my three wedding rings. My finger was swollen and itchy. I had to remove my rings. One.
I received monogrammed towels from my mother which had my maiden name initials on them rather than my married name. She had ordered some for herself with the family letter “M” at the same time and had made this mistake understandably. Two.
On Labour Day Monday, as I was packing, something made me look under my dresser. There it was – no more denying. It was further proof of lack of respect and things hidden. This was three.
That day I told my husband to leave.
Later that month, I painted beautiful white daisies on the black canvas which I called- Daisies at Midnight. Grace, dignity, strength and beauty in darkness.
It hangs in my living room.
Nancy,
your sharing will encourage so many to do what Maya Angelou often whispers:
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
i
You know I love your writing. This is no exception. Well done!
Thanks for this post Nancy. So powerful indeed. and I too would love to see the painting!
Wow Nancy.
Thank you for your candor and honesty.
I’d love to see the painting.
Very, very powerful post Nancy. Thank you for sharing.
Wow Nancy what a story to share…I know having been through a divorce that they are very personal and I myself even never really detail too much of it. I remember well the stages that you talk about…trying to save it…looking for signs…and I like you found that all the signs pointed me in the direction of leaving. Great post!