According to a book I just read, we have two choices in our partnerships – we can either be Lucy or Ricky. Think the TV couple in I Love Lucy.
Ricky is fairly serious, in charge and responsible. He is an adult.Lucy on the other hand, takes cars for a ride before she learns to drive, gets numerous outrageous jobs and gets fired the same day, is constantly starting fires, filling her kitchen with rice as it bubbles over her stove. She loses her children, spends more than she should, and regularly falls to tears in what seems to be a tantrum more suited to a toddler.
Ricky, swarthy, serious and all grown up for the most part, pulls her close, cleans her mess up and kisses her paternally on the forehead.
Is he re- inforcing her childishness? Is that what drew him to her originally? Does he long to take care of someone? Does she have daddy issues?
The alternative is playing mommy to your spouse. You pick up after him, lay out his clothes, tell him what to do and how to do it and spoon feed him life’s next moves in tiny chewable morsels. Yuck. Just short of breast feeding the guy.
In my twenties, I was in New York visiting some friends who were married and we headed out from their apartment to Central Park. She was chatting non stop and he was picking up after her- he double locked the door, grabbed her sweatshirt for her and an umbrella because it looked like rain. At the last minute, sun glasses too, in case the weather people were wrong.
She still chatting and laughing like a young child, stepped off the curb into traffic. He pulled her back lovingly. She laughed, a big truck whizzing past.
I watched them as though they were novelty. I had never seen roles played out like this. My parents marriage was far from this and any relationship I had had did not resemble this at all. My mom has one friend whose husband never allowed her to fill up her car with gas or go to the liquor store – as these were not ladylike chores- but now he is handicapped so she is learning quickly.
Recently at a party I was chatting intensely with an old friend from school when ‘ the long arm of the law’ reached over and pulled on his shirt. It was his wife and she was ‘gently’ (I think ‘gently’ got the feminist heave – ho in 1972) reminding him it was time to go. Party boy was having a blast – but mommy was reminding him it was past his bedtime. Besides, by 11 p.m. we single girls can only talk to women, the elderly, gay men, small children or the family dog without the arm coming across like a road block. Alcohol past dusk makes paranoid even the safe and trusting.
My own marriage had moments of both caring for and being taken care of when it was good and happy. When it was not so good… well, it was not so good. As I said to my elderly neighbour who wanted all the juice recently “he is the father of my children, let’s leave it at that”.
So Lucy or Ricky? I like to be both. There are moments when being Lucy can mean someone picking you up and driving you somewhere or making you dinner and warming the place up with a nice fire. In those moments you can forget your responsibilities, misplace your keys, put up your feet and forget about directions. Later, it is your turn and you take the opportunity to care for someone and make their world easier. You do it so happily because your Lucy side has been served.
Really the fortunate are neither Lucy or Ricky but a combo of what together spells Lucky.
I was in a relationship where my husband would call me Lucy; it was not a compliment. Time has carried on, the universe has turned, and I find myself in a very different situation. Just last night, as I helped my tired man at the end of a long workday, he told me, “Thanks for always taking care of me.” What is funny, is that I had just been thinking how grateful I am that I finally had an opportunity to do something nice for him, instead of the other way around. How grateful am I to have this experience for myself, and this example for my daughters.
Thank you for this article, and others you have given me. They are little gifts of perspective that I carry with me throughout the day.
you and I could write a book- maybe a golf book for girls who play in the rain?
I love this post too – especially the line ‘ Alcohol past dusk makes paranoid even the safe and trusting.’
I haven’t been in a relationship for so long I can’t even remember…good god.
I would say in my relationship we are both for sure. I love to be Lucy sometimes and hate when he goes all Ricky on me. Great post!
yes- from all you have said-you are lucky. Particularly with the cooking!!!
I think I’m lucky too. I tried hard to figure out which I was more of and I just can’t. We take care of each other **insert warm glow here**
So glad to hear it, christine. Thanks for stopping in!-n
ooooooh Nancy I love this post!!!
I think I’m Lucky!