If you are privileged enough to have children you know they instantly and irrevocably become your center and focus. When they are little and their heads hit the pillow first you are too tired to enjoy that because one day your head will hit the pillow first and your sleep will be disturbed by worry some nights. Parenting teenagers is a funny tribal dance of holding on and letting go at the same time.
With a car load of family friends we went to the airport to pick up my 15 year old daughter from a 6 week trip to South Africa. We spoke to her very little during that time not wanting to “pull” her home during a once in a lifetime adventure. We hugged her tight trying to feel if she was all still there and how this experience must have changed her.
In the car going home she talked non stop about her trip; we all asked questions and answers oozed out. After 5 minutes- she said”enough about me, what have you been doing these last 6 weeks?”
After teaching my children “please” “thank-you” and “mom, you don’t look a day over 35” the next most important thing to teach them to say is “And how was your day?”
This is critical for a few reasons- we learn when we listen, we find we are not the center of the universe and this question coming makes me work hard to have something funny, something compelling and something interesting to tell them every day.
Important to note this is not the same question as “What the heck do you do all day?” Which is always answered with a bare bottom spanking with a wooden spoon and “I watch soap operas and eat bonbons”.
My big job is raising them but not at the expense of not raising myself. In raising myself they learn how to care for themselves, put themselves first and go after what they want. It is not enough for me to tell them this, I must show them.
Not only that, in fewer years than I can bear to think, they will be gone from my daily life and I will be left with me. And she better be fascinating, strong, leading a full life and like who she is when she looks in the mirror. Or I’ll find myself following them all the way to Uni redefining “mature student” in a way that would not be pretty.
I think Suze is right – we socialize our children differently – mimicing our female behaviour with our girls and replicating what we see in our mates with our boys – too bad – a little of each goes a long way – Bitsy
Oh and I meant to say that my daughter is so much better at asking than my son. I wonder if girls are naturally that way (or whether she is naturally more empathetic) or whether I “taught” them differently.
I find it so hard to give to them and myself and not feel guilty about one or the other. It is a constant push pull. Thanks for reading and commenting Suze.
Great post. Thanks for the reminder. It’s easy to revert back to taking care of everyone else instead of myself. It’s good to be reminded how important it is to take care of myself as well.
such growing pains for the mom, Kate. Our oldest teaches us everything about life and how to cope! Good luck- at least you have two other babies-n
Just fwded your Blog “Its not just about the kids”-to my 17 yr old son
We are on the hyper count down now as he just accepted a camp position meaning he will leave 2 months earlier than first thought…
F-O-R-E-V-E-R
It hit me while reading said blog that one of the things I’ll miss the most is how, totally unprompted at some point in the day he will ask….
How was YOUR day Mum?