There are a few women that I know and we’re part of the club that you don’t want a membership to. We are motherless mothers. At UrbanMoms alone there are a slew of us. There are books about being a motherless mom. It’s a ‘thing’. I was very fortunate to have had my mom for many years (not nearly enough but still) but I still ache for her guidance and support in raising Will.
Last night, Oprah focused her Life Class on another named group ‘Fatherless Sons’. I wasn’t going to watch, even though I’m in the midst of raising one myself, because I assumed it would be about sons who have been abandoned by their dads. I also assumed I would be hit over the head with the stats that prisons are overrun with fatherless sons and that they are doomed to be the unsuccessful demographic of children today.
But I did watch some of it, until Iyanla went out on her crazy ledge. And it was some of the most moving television I’ve seen in years. The audience was full of grown men, sobbing for the ‘holes in their souls’ that not having a father has left them with. Were there parts that I couldn’t relate to? Absolutely. Were there parts that have hit home with me? Definitely.
These men were aching for a male figure, someone to teach them to be a man and to give them positive reinforcement that they’re doing okay. I get that. As a motherless mother, I would give anything to have my mom here to say ‘great job’ and ‘wow, your kid is amazing because of the job you’re doing.’
But, the #1 thing that I’ve learned since my mom died is that you have to be accountable to you and no one else. You have to strive to be the best person that you can be – the best friend, mother, daughter and sister – so you can put your head on the pillow at night and know that you’ve made yourself proud. For you. Not for anyone else.
The show has made me think a little more that as he gets a bit older, if I’m still single, Will will need a strong and consistent male role model in his life. Maybe it’s Big Brothers or maybe it’s a friend willing to step up to be that in his life, but last night made me realize this will be more important than I thought. Many of the men reflected on how amazing their moms were/are but that even if they had never met their fathers, there was an obvious void. Gulp.
My friend Mitchell posted this picture for me on Facebook last week. I loved it. After watching the show though, I recognize that while I do act as a dad too, it will never be the same for him.
Next week’s show is on single mothers raising sons, so I’ll get back to you on anymore ‘A-Ha’ moments. For all the fluff that the mighty Opes sometimes passes on, these two shows balance it out. Next Sunday is in my calendar – interesting that it’s on Mothers Day.
We (my girls and I) celebrate Father’s Day now together, Sara. I say to myself often that having one good solid person who is there unconditionally and thoroughly has been shown to be more than enough and that is what I have chosen to believe in.
xoxoxo you are enough.