Did you keep a diary? I did throughout high school. Years later, when my mom was dying, she said that she had a box with a bunch of my old crap in it. I think she found it when we were moving some time and it had just moved with her – from house to house – over the years.
We sat down and opened the box and the memories and howling laughter came. There were flags from holes at random Toronto golf courses that a then-boyfriend had ripped off for me as a token of? Hell if I know. There were letters from a guy I dated that were filled with the most appalling spelling errors that I know where my standards come from now. And there it was, among the flags, lollipop notes and faded pictures, it was my diary.
We cracked that sucker open and read it together and laughed and shed a few tears. The tears were for my ridiculous low self-esteem and self-hatred. But the laughs were the best part. Who were these guys that I was writing about? Okay some of them, I’m still in touch with and will see in a couple weeks at my class reunion, but some, I had to go back and look at a yearbook to figure out who the hell had broken my heart SO badly. Wah. The drama.
I asked my mom if she had read it before. She laughed and said ‘of course not’. True? I’m not sure but I’m going to choose to believe her.
This all came back to me as I was reading this article from the Huffington Post. A mom wrote about her daughter’s diary and then POSTED IT ONLINE! The 1,500 comments are almost unanimous in their outrage and I share it. Granted, her daughter is only five but this is still an incredible breach of trust in my opinion.
I don’t condone it BUT it’s one thing to snoop at your teenagers diary if you’re worried that they are doing something harmful (I would like to think that I still wouldn’t) but something else entirely to write about it and share it online. I’d hazard a guess we’re in agreement about the online sharing but I’m curious. Are we?
If a child is living in your house, under your roof, are all bets off? Should they not be allowed a level of privacy? Thinking about it since I saw the article, my belief is a private, written diary is off limits. Facebook, Twitter and Instagram etc are a whole other kettle of fish. My rule intends to be that I can follow you on any social media without limits and if I’m paying for the cell phone, I can look at it whenever I’d like. Maybe my thoughts will change in 10 years when I’m in the thick of it. Who knows?
What are your parameters around privacy with your kids?
Hey there! Thanks so much for your comment. I think it’s totally valid and you raise some great points. I think where I see the difference is that a person’s diary is a one-to-one relationship. It’s their spot for their feelings and thoughts and it’s between them and the written page.
For me, and this is just me personally, I do think about what I share on here. If it’s something that happens between Will and I, then I feel it’s okay to share. It’s not private. As he gets older, I’m sure that blogging will be a much bigger challenge and I’m not even sure I’ll be able to do it anymore.
I do get where this mom was coming from with the diary and it was sweet and she was proud and wanted to share. And a five-year old isn’t recording deep thoughts in a diary, but I think it’s just the precedent that it set that set people off.
Again, thanks so much for adding to the conversation!
I find this conversation a particularly interesting one to be having on a website where the ups and downs of children’s lives are routinely shared publicly, and less than anonymously…
Don’t get me wrong, I read many of the blogs here on UM and appreciate that they inspire me and provide me with important information, etc. It’s nice to know that other people experience similar challenges and joys.
That said, I’m curious why many of you make a distinction between reading a diary and sharing its contents online, and the comparable act of sharing what I’m sure many children would either be embarassed by now, as children, or later on as adults. For instance, how many kids want their struggles with mental health broadcast to the masses? When I struggled with depression as a young person, I would have been horrified to know that it was public knowledge on any level – let alone a worldwide platform.
I understand that our children’s experiences are essentially inseparable from our own everyday experiences, and that it is cathartic and comforting to share parenting experiences with other parents. However, when it is not done anonymously, I’m not sure it’s any different from sharing the contents of your kid’s diary. This mother was proud of her daughter’s loving nature, and chose to share it. This is surely less damaging to her daughter’s future self-esteem than the sharing of more trying – perhaps even negative – aspects of our kids personalities and actions, however well-intentioned.
My oldest is old enough to be online and the terms of engagement are that I know all passwords and can snoop anytime. It does kind of irritate her if I happen to mention I saw something on her FB or instagram feed (but she’s the one who logged into her instagram account on my iPhone, so she kinda shot herself in the foot on that one!), but I remind her it’s all part of the deal, and she accepts that.
Also, I don’t snoop much. I don’t have any reason to believe that she’s up to anything, but I also want her to remember that anything she does online can (and will) be seen by anyone, including her mom.
If it was a written diary though? No, that to me would be off-limits.
online is not private and, unfortunately, many people think that it is. i guess i have snooped at my 10 year old’s writings…they’re not a diary per se…but i can’t resist cuz she writes songs and poems and i just want to see! i don’t tell her about it tho’ but they just make me so happyj cuz they’re really coming from an innocent mind and heart.
i can’t see snooping into a written diary…although mine are just awful! isnt’ there a poetry slam type of thing going around where people get up on stage and read what they wrote? i heard it on cbc and it was hysterical.
That sounds about right to me – if it’s being shared with other people and is online, I should know about it. But everyone needs a place to vent and not suffer too much repercussion, whether it’s with your best friend or on paper. Hell, would most parents really want to read what their kid wrote the day they were pissed off at them? I do think that maybe there is a case if you think something is going on, yes, but it would have to be something major and life-affecting.