All of this business with the kids in Greece, NY bullying the bus driver and Tracey’s post about sass and manners etc was so thought provoking. I’ve been really focused on manners with Will since day one. There isn’t much that I loathe as much as a rude kid. Be honest. It drives you mental doesn’t it? One of Will’s teachers told me that he had incredible manners and my heart burst with pride – more so than at anything else he’s accomplished.
A couple of instances have come up in the last few days though and I’m a bit stumped – so of course, I’m asking you guys for some help.
Case #1
On Friday, we were in the line at the LCBO, and after Will quizzed me on why I was only buying one bottle of beer (aka wine), we got up to the cash. As I’m paying, Will says, ‘that man is really short and really fat’ about the cashier. MORTIFICATION ENSUES. I apologized profusely, gave Will the look and we went outside for a stern talk. Then I thought to myself, was I angry that he said it or was I more embarrassed?
Case #2
We were locking up the bike at school and this woman went jogging past. It was more of a low-speed walk. Will noticed and yelled out, ‘Mom why is that woman running soooo slow?’. I know when I started back biking that if someone pointed out my slowness, I would have been really discouraged.
So here’s my dilemma. How do you get empathy across to kids? I got really mad at Will at the LCBO and I said it makes people feel really sad when you say they’re fat. He seemed to understand and looked really sad…BUT…he was telling the truth?! I suggested that we just don’t comment on people’s appearance at all. But that doesn’t seem right? He commented that my friend was beautiful the other day. I don’t want to discourage that. Same with the woman jogging. In both cases, he was just making an observation. How can a four-year-old understand that even though I want him to tell me the truth all the time, I don’t want him to tell the truth about people all the time?
Convoluted enough for you? Can you give me some advice??
*Can you imagine what people would have said about Will in this picture? Hat? Jammies? Princess book???
I know it hurt but it is a little bit hilarious and a little bit adorable and a lot earnest from the little man. He has a tender heart – you are doing all the right stuff.
“that lady’s breasts are falling down” was a personal favourite in which I tried to climb into the cold storage at the groceries
DUDE – OK I feel extra bad about my laughing about the story when you told me – sorry…William told this total rude jerk face that he was fat and I thought it entirely hilarious because the guy deserved it! BUT what you are saying about empathy is entirely important…my two cents…when i was little and living with my Dad (meaning NO boundaries whatsoever) our neighbour used to come over and make jokes about my Dad to my Dad which REALLY bugged me. BUT my Dad never said or did anything about it, he just took it all in stride…but one day the neighbour pushed things too far and I was mad, real mad so I intervened and stood up for my Dad saying, “Oh yeah, well at least my Dad isn’t bald” (he was balding). The man stopped short and nearly burst into tears – I looked at my Dad and he gave me a really neat look that said it all…and in one moment calling that dude bald combined with the look from my Dad taught me all about empathy…it was poignant, I was a little dudette…it all made sense. I think most people can handle a four year olds comments and you are right to worry – but I do think that the little ones will figure it out sooner than later…
Will’s already ahead of the game! He’s got you for a Mom!!!
Come home soon:) PS i hope this makes sense – I possibly could be drunk (kidding)
lol
I agree with Christina, it is ok to have questions or make an observation but if it is a question or he doesn’t think it will make that person feel good it should wait until later.
Empathy takes a long time and, in fact, is learned in different ways throughout our lives. Some kids just seem to get it naturally (I have a feeling Will is one of them if he felt bad once you explained how the man might have felt) but some need a little extra help in understanding.
The hardest thing to put aside is our own embarrassment and emotional reaction. I think your apology to “the man” and explanation to Will was just right.
Awesome advice everyone!!!!
I have told my kids in the past that each and everyone of us is different and we are all special in our own way. Tall, small, big, fat (more of them to love) and that if we have questions about people then it can wait until we are in private…it’s worked with Emily 4 and Nathan 7, my youngest is still small but you are right in saying that you were angry…and how you explained it was okay…and that it makes people sad…my nephew is delayed for his age and now that he is turning two, the kids have started asking questions about him why he can’t walk or sit or talk. It’s been hard because we don’t even have the answers nor do their parents. So we just take them as they come.
You should be proud that people notice that Will has great manners! It shows good parenting….
I think every parent goes through this, we certainly did with both of our boys. I think you would be surprised how quickly kids understand empathy. We always went with them not saying anything to people they don’t know that they think may hurt their feelings. We also encouraged them to ask us about it if they have questions. There have been a few moments but for the most part it has been successful.
You say exactly what you said to us, to him “I want him to tell me the truth all the time, I don’t want him to tell the truth about people all the time?”
Tell him sometimes the truth is not helpful and it can hurt someone else’s feelings. Model behavior. “She’s not slow, she’s awesome and off the couch.” “Maybe she’s just learning so let’s cheer her on.” Different is ok.
I used to say “I don’t know” a lot. B/c honestly do you know why she’s slow, he’s fat that man is in wheel chair etc… Sometimes they were born that way. or there was an accident. People understand children ask questions. Turn the question around on them. Ask him (at an appropriate time) why he thinks the person is like that. And then correct where needed. 🙂
Remember that old saying, ‘If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say
anything at all?’ It seems like a good one to teach. Perhaps just say that if
it isn’t positive, we shouldn’t say it because it hurts people’s feelings. That being said, I’m not sure what the developmental age is for understanding this concept.
It seems to me that all through elementary school, kids had a hard time keeping
their mouthes shut!! Somebody was always saying something. It takes a long
time to understand that rule I think. Also, let’s face it, some people never learn
it!! I remember in grade four, I had this favourite jumper my mom had made for me.
She had let it down numerous times, and it had almost no hem left. I begged to
wear it one last time. I was told by a number of classmates that it was too short.
Kids have a hard time resisting the nitty gritty truth I think!! But good luck. Whatever you do will help!