Word is out that Charlize Theron is the newest member of the club. No – not chicks who have slept with David Spade (how does that guy get such hot women anyway?) but Charlize chose to go the motherhood route solo – she recently adopted a baby boy Jackson.
Over the past four years, I’ve had a ton of people say, “I have a friend who is thinking of doing what you did, do you mind if I pass on your info?’. I always say yes – but I also add that I will be totally honest. Only two people have ever contacted me….and they’re both having babies this spring! But there are a bunch of people who haven’t – so maybe they’re too shy. So I thought – why don’t I just write what I’d say?! So here goes…
You want to be a single mom? In my humble opinion and experience….you must….
A. Have an incredible support network around you. There isn’t a chance in hell that I would have survived these last few years without my family and close friends being near by.
B. Be able to ask for help. This was a challenge for me at first. Now….not so much….ummm…not at all. You have to. The only time I won’t ask for help is when the kid is barfing – no one needs to catch the barf.
C. Love being alone. This may sound ridiculous since once the kid arrives, you’re never really alone again. BUT, your child goes to bed early at night – unless you’re a kabillionaire and have a nanny, most nights, you’re going to be at home…alone. AND your kid will get up at the crack of ass. There aren’t many friends who want to meet you for coffee at 5am.
D. Be able to not crack under pressure*. Now, I’m putting a * on this one because, I’m hoping for your sake you don’t get postpartum. I did and cracked under that pressure. But I’m more talking about the 2am barfing attacks or the 4am high fever and f*&K we’re out of Tylenol moments. If the thought of that sends you into a panic…think twice. Yes you can ask for help – but it’s tough in the middle of the night.
E. Be able to function on limited amounts of sleep. Look, I lived as a single woman for 41 years of my life. I partied like a rock star. I spent countless Sundays hungover on the couch. But, for the most part, I’m a morning person. I was never that person who slept until noon and could only function on 10 hours of sleep. Some people are and I get it. As a single mom, you’ll be challenged there. Some weeks, you’ll be lucky to get 10 hours in total. It’s not like university – you can’t pull an all nighter and then catch up the next day. You don’t catch up. Ever.
F. Be okay with your decision. Would my first choice have been to be a single mom? Nope. But I’m okay with it. While I was pregnant, I mourned the death of the white picket fence, husband in the delivery room, dog at home waiting, dream. By the time Will arrived, I was okay with all of it – with him having multiple half-siblings; with him not having a father; and with me not having a partner.
G. Have a sense of humour. You really have to…. you have to be able to laugh when…
a. you’re breastfeeding and wondering how any man will want you again;b. you’re driving home from work every night for 4 months during your pregnancy barfing in a plastic bag and wondering what the HELL you were thinking;c. the nurses think you’re either gay and your doula is your partner OR that you have an asswipe for a husband who avoids the hospital;d. you call to order your chosen donor’s sperm….and he’s sold out. Yes. Sold out.
The last four and a half years (I’m including the getting and being pregnant here) have been the most amazing, terrifying, fulfilling and challenging years of my life. Motherhood as a whole is not for the faint of heart, but doing it yourself adds a whole other layer of challenges. All of these challenges are worth it. Every. Single. One. But go in with your eyes wide open. Know that it will be 100 times harder than you ever imagined. And know that you will love that kid 100 times more than you ever imagined you could love another human being.
Oh and if you’re going the donor route….have a back up …. the sold out thing wasn’t a joke.
Image is from barebonephoto.com
Congratulations, I wish it was a choice more women made. My sister wants to do this and I have been encouraging her, but I guess she’s probably waiting until the last minute
Um….so what about those of us who are gay? That’s hilarious? Could your post be more heterocentric?
Hey Eryn. Sorry if it comes across that way. The thing is – this is a personal blog – so I can only write from my own experiences. And I’m straight. I’m also a huge supporter of the LGBQT community and use my voice on social media for advocacy and support of all of my friends who are part of that community. So apologies if my post is heterocentric. I guess I should have been more descriptive in the title so that it read ‘you want to me be a solo straight mom’.
Hey JazzyGRL – not sure what city you’re in – but I know that my mom friends were also in the burbs and not around. I went to the Early Years Centre in my neighbourhood – (and trust me SO not my style) and met a whole new whack of friends who were going through what I was. They’ve become very very close friends. I’d suggest that! Hang in there – as much as you’ll want to kill me for saying this – I promise you it gets easier and 1000 times more fun! Check in here too if you ever need anything!
Thanks for this needed and honest list. I’m a new single mom of a 2 month old son, not by choice so much, and have found it difficult. I don’t have family in the city and my few close friends are in the ‘burbs. Dad is in the picture, but doesn’t live in town and visits only every 2 weeks for a few hours.
I’m hoping to link up with other single moms in the downtown area…
Lisa – I BOW to you! Good for you for considering #2… I’m with you on the not wanting to listen to others opinions…:) I dated someone when Will was around one. At one point he said something about how I was doing something. Once I picked my jaw off the floor and popped my eyes back in, I subtly suggested that being a single childless guy…I’d go with my gut thanks
I totally agree with everything you said, I’m only 13 months into the experience and I live in a northern community (no stores open past 5pm for tylenol when you run out) about 10 hrs drive from my family … but I manage. Its the most incredible experience I have ever had and I love my little man so much!!! I actually think that I prefer it this way, not sure that I would want a man in my life right now, I don’t really want to share or listen to anyone else’s opinion on how I am letting him sleep in my bed with me and that I am still breastfeeding at 13 mths. The only thing I wish is that there was someone close by that loved him with the same parent love that I do and didn’t get bored when I excitedly tell them all the little details of how he is growing, feeding himself, taking first steps, talking on pretend phones … etc. My parents definitely share in my excitement but they are too far away to talk to EVERY day.
If its really what you want, you can always make it work, coming from one who could die from sleep deprivation!
I’m thinking about #2 now!
Thanks Nanc….sniff….
God I love you sense of humour, Sara. This list is one for any mom let alone one who is flying solo. You are so brave, so wise and so full of life and love. That picture is so beautiful. I really believe that nothing incredible is ever easy. Your most incredible thing is this and nothing about it is easy! love youxoxoxo
Hi Ellen! thanks for commenting in. Earth-shattering is an awesome way to put it! Happy birthday to your daughter! My guy turns four in July (I got pregnant really fast…and my math is bad..:). Time is flying!!!
Sara, this is right on the money! I’m a SMC and it sounds like we started at the same time 4 1/2 year ago. My daughter turns 3 tomorrow, and it’s been the hardest and most earth-shattering life change, but also the most rewarding. Many tears in sadness and joy, and I wouldn’t change a thing.
Excellent advice Sara. It’s hard with two parents – the hardest thing I’ve ever done and being a single parent must at least double that!
This is great advice Sara! I’ve had a few friends that have/are considering this and I hope they’ll read this post! You’ve written about real expectations! Definitely good advice!
i think that having 2 kids is three times as hard but having one parent is 4 times as hard! all of those points should be read for all types of parents (except for the sperm donor one!). it’s also important for all people, parents or not to read these as well. it might make someone who doesn’t know how to help know how to ask a parent, “what can i do?”. good post!
Yes! So right mamajoan! (and you have two – I bow to you…:))! I have, by chance, come to know four or five other choice moms in my neighbourhood and it’s amazing to have people around you that know exactly what you’re going through.
Good advice, all of it. If I could add another tip, it would be: (H) draw on the experience and support of those who have done it before you. Join the Choice Moms group (choicemoms.org) or the Single Moms by Choice group (singlemothersbychoice.com) and find out if there’s a local chapter in your area. Go to the meetings and make some connections. It can be a great source of support, even if you already have a good family/friends network. And it can be really useful to realize that you aren’t the first or the only person to go through these thought processes.
-mamajoan (SMC with two kids ages 8 1/2 and 6)