The Huffington Post recently launched a Parents section. I love it. The Huff is one of my daily destinations and now this added feature is giving me a ton of food for thought.
This week, Rhiana Maidenberg wrote an article about Raising Children With Unconditional Love and wondering if we’ve gone too far with it.
I found the article insightful but the part that fascinated me were the comments! When I first read it – there were about 20 comments (now up to 200). Each of those 20 basically called her delusional – insane – a horrible mother. The two parts that got everyone up in arms was when she said that her love for her kids is the only unconditional love that she has. If her husband cheats or her friends disappoint, she can hack them out of her life but that her kids are here to stay. And then she added, to the ommenters disgust, that even if her kid murdered someone, she’d still adore them.
Being a relative newbie to this parenting thing….I’m going to go out on a ledge here and say that the people who were commenting on this weren’t parents. I remember before Will was born and reading how Karla Homolka’s mother was standing by her in court…this the daughter who presented her own sister to a sexual sadist…and I remember thinking – ‘Are you out of your mind??” Never. Never. Never would I have believed that I can now understand it. I now get how, even though they can destroy your life, they are still your children – you will always love them no matter what.
The other part? Well. I can’t speak from experience so it’s probably not in my best interest to offer an opinion here BUT it’s me…come on. I think what she says makes sense? When you think about it – you could essentially ditch the world, but these beings…these kids…they’re with you forever. Maybe when I meet the guy…I’ll get it. But I can’t see how the love is the same. I don’t think I’d want to give my self as wholly to a man or my friends as I give to my son.
Anyway! As for the article? I’m in agreement. I think we CAN and often DO wayyyy ‘over-adore’ our kids these days. I’m not talking about slathering with love – because I swear it would be impossible for me to hug and kiss Will more than I do – but I do think that many people lose themselves in parenting. It scares me when people put their whole lives into others. If your whole being relies on being a mother or father; or a partner….you’re going to lose yourself in there. I know there are people who think I take too much time away from Will (at least a weekend a month and a one night during the week)…I say we are both WAY better for it. He is a social little being and I still feel like me.
What do you think about the article? Can we – are you – over-adoring your kids? Am I way off base?
FINALLY!! For some reason people always feel this need to ask me who I love more, my husband or my kids and I think they are insane. IT IS NOT THE SAME! If you love your kids like you love your husband then YOU have problems. People just look at me like im crazy when I say that. But the fact remains that I love them all. I also agree that those people commenting were not parents. I dont think they have a clue how it feels to have a ltitle life so dependent on you and when they are born their love is also unconditional. No there is no way I could EVER turn my back on them. EVER
100% agree Sara with everything you/she said. 1) I see people lose themselves in parenting all the time. I do think many people “over-adore” not with too much affection or unconditional love but with defining themselves according to their children. 2) I completely ADORE my husband. LOVE THAT GUY. But it is not the same. Absolutely, 100%. I put up with way more from my kids than I would ever from a man/friend/etc.