I read an article the other week that has stuck with me. I keep trying to figure out how I feel about it. My initial reaction was strong and it was negative. (oh and it was delayed…because the article came out in May, but I just read it a few weeks ago). And my initial reaction hasn’t changed.
The article was about a Toronto couple choosing to raise their child without gender restrictions. I’m not talking about raising their kid gender neutral – you know, in yellow and green onesies and without barbie dolls….I’m talking about not disclosing what sex their child is – even to their parents.
Okay. I’m liberal. I like to think I’m very liberal. I want pot to be legalized. I want anyone who wants to marry anyone to be able to. I want women to be able to choose the course of their own lives. If my son comes to me one day and says he has never felt comfortable in his own skin or that he’s gay – I will love him exactly the same way I did the day before and I’ll support him.
But I’m sorry – PERSONALLY (because no one should tell anyone how to raise their kids – I’m just curious how others feel about this) – I think it just takes the whole gender thing a bit too far. Okay a lot too far.
In the article, they say that their friends ‘thought they were imposing their political and ideological values on a newborn, and setting them up to be bullied. I agree 100%.
The parents say that they are giving their kids the ‘freedom to choose who they want to be.’ This confuses me. I smother my son in love and hugs and kisses. He gravitates to trucks and sometimes says that he wants to be a princess when he grows up. And I feel that I’m giving him the freedom to choose who he wants to be. Do you need to confuse kids with a ‘you’re not a boy or a girl’ to allow them to cruise through society’s norms and figure out who they are? I just don’t think so. I’ll side with Gaga here – ‘Baby They Were Born This Way’…
Am I missing something?
**One of my facebook friends sent me this link to a response from the mother mentioned in the article. It’s really good – makes it a little clearer – and should be read in tandem with the other one.**
I find this odd and I also feel it’s going a bit far. Assuming that the other kids won’t be raised that way it could definitely alienate a child. Maybe even confuse them? I agree that people should be able to raise their kids as they see fit but people are always going to have opinions and I’m sure they’re prepared for that.
Julie – I’m so happy that you’re commenting in because you really have such a matter of fact way of explaining that makes it seem so much more logical to me. And Margot – thanks for saying that I’m delineating…this whole subject has really made me think of sex/gender differences. It’s been an interesting week of discussion!
Just to clarify something, because for some reason this always bugs me. A person’s sex is based solely on their reproductive organs. Gender is defined as “the behavioral, cultural, or psychological traits typically associated with one sex.” I think Sara did a really good job of delineating between the two.
It sounds like this couple is not hiding their children’s sex from each child, but rather attempting to keep gender out of the picture. In the definition for gender it says “traits TYPICALLY associated with one sex;” what’s wrong with abolishing that word “typical” from the definition? Isn’t that what women have been fighting for for decades now?
le sigh…(as tracey says). i understand what you (and many people) are saying….but it doesn’t pertain to this family. it _would_ be messed up if they were keeping the gender a secret from the child and that’s why i’m frustrated. it is not as difficult as people are making it! i just really need to insert an AAARRRRGGHHHH here! 🙂
your sentence of “kids should be free to be kids” is IT. that is IT. nothing else…no social experiments, no head games which would be intolerably cruel.
they are not denying the baby its gender as many people think, nor are they saying “you are genderless and forever will be”. they are SIMPLY saying i’m raising a child just as i say i am raising 2 girls.
her older boys know that they are boys. they know they have boy parts and which bathroom to go in. they are not filling this baby’s head with denial about what he/she is as many people think. they know boys and girls are different and are not ignoring that! they are not lying to their children and they answer all questions asked with honesty about who they are and how they feel. they do not say, “i’m sorry but you are neither male or female, you just are” and then have the child drink the kool-aid.
there is nothing sinister about telling the stranger on the street that this is a child and we wish to not tell you (stranger) which gender right now.
it’s that simple…believe me and i’m pretty mainstream.
Julie, I agree with a lot of what you say. Kids should be free to be kids. I don’t think any of us are arguing that. And I’m sure those parents are as nice and well-meaning as you describe. But I simply don’t agree with people using their kids as pawns in social experiments. Which ultimately is what this has become. Nobody deserves death threats. But for a couple who seem to know so much about what’s wrong with society, they were supremely naive about what the impact of their actions would be, especially in this modern communication age. This couple has confused the basic idea of gender, with the problematic concept of gender roles, and they’ve done it in the most gimmicky of ways. That’s what’s caused all the negative feedback. Boys and girls are not the same physical beings, and to ignore that fact is detrimental. But both sexes can become the same empathetic, non-judgemental beings, and that’s what well-thought out equality efforts strive for.
They are who they are. You can pretend, you can lie, you can keep secrets, you can confuse them. It does not matter. They are who they are. This child knows if they are a boy or a girl and it has nothing to do with his/her body parts. Don’t these parents have enough to do with all thier kids, now they have to add secret agent man or women into the mix. When people ask if it is a boy or a girl, why don’t they just answer, well she was born with a vagina, but we are going to decide for herself when she is ready. Or he has a penis but it will be up to him if he wants to keep it. Bottom line, who cares. I believe if these people just wanted thier child to grow up and make this choice or live thier life genderless….we would not know about it. It would be a non issue.
I’m Confused.
penis = boy; vagina = girl
For the masses (not including those who seek a gender change should they choose to do so and I’m all for that, by the way) – you can then penis or vagina .. choose what sex you are attracted to .. so there is your gender and then your sexual orientation.
What good does it do to NOT educate your kids on their gender and support whatever lifestyle they choose.
Gender is gender
Sexual orientation has nothing to do with gender
Maybe I’m not getting this.
Life is hard enough – why make it more confusing.
And I agree, don’t put yourself out there if you can’t handle the questions.
dave, i do agree with your statement about they have to live with the criticism….i would agree wholeheartedly if that’s what they received. instead, they received death threats, CAS threats, hate, rude comments…i’m sure you saw some of the vitriol.
i do have to disagree with your statement that they went to the papers to crow (if they did go to the papers…i can’t fully remember if they approached or were approached) not at all. they were simply trying to put some information out there so people could see a different point of view. i would think by doing so they would hope for open and honest discussion about something “new and different” that quite a few people do already. they are just normalizing it!
sarah already stated that her son wants to be princess one day ..sounds like a truck driving princess 🙂 she’s letting him just be a child as i’m letting my girls be children… they love barbies and cars and mud and puppies. that doesn’t make us bad parent as this couple apparently is, according to the world. i guess i’m just helping my own ego.
i could ask you, why does it matter to you, personally, what gender the child is, or any child? will you react differently? and if so why? if you had two children, a boy and a girl, and they both fell off their bikes at the same time and scraped their knee, what would you do? i think (and i’m not speaking for you) that most people would run to the girl and pick her up and cuddle her until she couldn’t breathe and turn around and tell the boy “you’re fine, get back on”.
i have to say, they don’t have big egos, either. it was simply to raise awareness to a different thinking process as to how people project on to different genders.
Ok… I have three kids 2 boys and a girl and if they choose to wear a pink shirt, play with dolls, trucks, play hockey, go to dance class,ride skateboards or wear their brother’s truck pj’s – they’re kids!! If my daughter chooses to wear a tuxedo to her prom – I’m all for it because my dress was hideous when I look back on it but hiding their gender is a little odd to me!
It really isn’t anybody else’s business how other parents raise their kids unless there’s some kind of abuse going on. But if you put your parenting methods out there into the world for others to evaluate, you have to live with the criticism as well as the praise. And regardless of the intended scope of the news story these parents wanted to do, whether it was only intended to be a “small piece” or not, I’m highly suspicious of anyone’s motives for going to a newspaper to crow about how they, in their infinite wisdom, reinvented the parenting wheel. How were they helping their child by doing this? Or were they just helping their own egos?
What strikes me is how harsh and judgmental people tend to be.
Consider shows such as Toddlers and Tiaras and the widely reported concerns about the sexualization of children via marketing of inappropriate clothing and toys. There’s something to be said for protecting them from social pressure and allowing them to be themselves — without socially dictated labels.
Obviously, these parents made a thoughtful choice, based on caring. I think tolerance is in order.
Great post – thanks for sharing that Erin! I don’t think I’m siding or not siding – I really just wanted to raise the discussion. And I’m happy that I did because these follow up articles are incredibly enlightening. I do really support the notion that parents shouldn’t judge other parents but I do want to be educated on why other people parent the way they do.
Ah! She should have done the Opes! At least get something positive out of the whole situation. It really is too bad….
hi there. i believe they approached the parenting section and it was to be maybe a single column, maybe a paragraph or two. they were told it would only be a wee article. suddenly they have a centre spread, front page news story which utterly shocked them. they even had al jazeera (sp?) call them for an interview!!!
they were really taken aback from all the attention because they didn’t seek the huge story. they thought it would be neat to put a different parenting perspective out there and they got hammered in return.
i did, however, give her heck for not taking the oprah interview 🙂
Hey Julie!
Thanks so much for commenting in. I really found the mom’s letter back about the situation insightful and after reading Erin’s post about celebrating ‘the crazy ones’ – the people who can think outside of the box etc…I sort of equate the two. Not saying this family is crazy but they are challenging the norm and making us think differently – which is never a bad thing. I’m curious here – how did the press coverage of all of this start? Were they approached?
Check out this blog post by a family who did the same in the 90s and their kids turned out just fine.
I’m remembering more and more about this from when it happened now. After reading the mother’s response, and the post below, I’m now siding with the family. They are simply trying to let their children define themselves. Which is a good thing, no?
http://northtomom.blogspot.com/2011/06/todays-guest-blogger-prabhakar-ragde-is.html
i actually know this family and the media DESTROYED what they are doing. it’s not as menacing or despicable or WTF as everyone is saying. it’s as simple as “you can be a child”. the child will know if he has a penis or she has a vagina and what they’re for.
i said to her and i’ll say it now, why is what they are doing so wrong, but yet we went to disney and the “whore…sorry….bibbidi bobbidi boutique” is okay? have you seen how the kids come out of that place? awwww…so cute. que pasa?
they are, quite honestly, doing what you are doing with will and i try to do with my girls. the only thing missing is that the general population doesn’t know. i’ll never forget sitting on my front porch with my newly born 2nd daughter and the woman across the street came to see. she asked if it was a boy or girl and i said “girl”. you wanna know what she said?
“that’s too bad”
that’s what they are trying to avoid!
A you note, the mom’s response is very articulate, and makes the whole thing far more reasonable than reported by the media at first (surprise!). I do think it’s a bit extreme, and that you don’t have to go that far to let your children be who they will be.
I tend to be a moderate in most things, so even though I am open-minded about all of this, I wonder if they couldn’t just do what others do – we let both our kids play with whatever they want and give Boy 3 the pink cup and Girl 7 the blue one because that’s what they prefer, for example. I do tend to buy my kids clothes from the half of the store that caters to their gender, but I avoid sports and military stuff for my boy and overtly girly stuff for my girl.
There is, I think, a less pointed way to achieve the same thing. Still, it seems to be working for them (at least when they are not in the glare of the media spotlight that brought some really, really nasty attacks down on them), so I also believe in letting people live their lives, you know? Ultimately, it’s not really my business.
SO with you on this. People are not genderless. Denying a basic biological fact will set this child up for more confusion, not more choices. The choices are there regardless. Our job as parents is to help our children navigate our society, not pretend it does not exist.
I’m not sure I agree with you or with them.
Of course, it’s their choice. I remember how awful the media was, and the comments were vitriolic. Nasty.
I do’t think it’s that bad. They aren’t keeping the sex from the kids. And, they’re not sending them to school.
So, I’m sitting in the middle here. Not sure.