I have my book club this Friday and I haven’t finished the book yet. I’ve actually only read 100 or so pages but I feel I have hours of stuff to talk about. The book is We Need To Talk About Kevin. It’s a series of letters written by a mother whose son was a school shooter. It’s fascinating. She had buyers remorse immediately after getting pregnant – she knew it wasn’t for her. And it seemed like her son knew it right off the hop.
It leads to a whole nature v. nurture discussion but it’s heightened my awareness of how I behave. (and yes – I know the book is an extreme). But the other night I had read it before bed and after Will called me into his room for the third time, he said ‘night night mommy’. I lay down and thought how foreign it sounded to me. I’m someone’s mommy? I can’t explain it – and it wasn’t that it sounded bad (and god knows I hear 400 times a day) but it just struck me as weird. I’m Sara.
This morning we had a bad morning. He was slow, I was tired. There was whining and crying and I was totally happy to hand him over at daycare. I ran into someone at work and they asked how he was. I said, ‘Honestly, he’s awesome but I don’t really like him very much this morning.’ When I sat down I was thinking what an awful thing to convey. I’m not saying I’m grooming him to be the next Columbine shooter by not slathering him with kisses and love every day but we’ve had mornings like this before and it’s never made me stop and think.
I guess books do this for you. I’m looking forward to our discussions on it – I think it’s hard for people to admit that they don’t always like their kids…but I bet it’s true for all of us.
Thoughts? Have you read this book yet??
It is true – there are many days I don’t like my children but of course I never stop loving them:)
this book looks good Sara but scary too to get inside the head of this boy/mom. Always good to see I am not the only one who does not always/ rarely ever finish the book.
I have read this book, and really loved the way it portrayed the whole nature vs nurture debate – gives you a whole new perspective on things. Was a bit disturbing of a read though, and I had some difficulties adjusting to the language and terms throughout – but still enjoyed it.
you’re so right Erin….bang on.
You are Jason….and I love the term ferocious….it’s so fitting.
I read this book and loved it – and it did allow me to admit that having a rough time liking one or both of my kids on occasion is pretty normal. Not that I needed a book where a mother feels responsible for helping to create a mass murderer, but it did touch on some notes where guilt sometimes runs rampant for perfectly natural feelings.
I know the ferocious love I have for my two boys outweighs the occasional bouts of dislike I have for them.
They sure don’t like me all the time and I am pretty likable.
J.
My son and I often play a game. He starts off asking: “Mommy, do you love me even when I’m bad”, to which I reply “of course I do”. And he says “I love you even when you (fill in the blank).” and I reply “I love you even when you (fill in the blank).” We can go on like this for a while. I always think of it as a touching, bonding moment, but just this morning I realized I was using it as a way to complain to him without feeling guilty. Basically I was unloading all the things that had annoyed me about him that morning. So, yep, I agree that you always love your kid, but maybe you don’t always like what he does.
Of course everyone likes me all the time!
Mark?? Okay I’m kidding but this IS a great point!
Name one person in your life you like 100% of the time
I lost my nut on my kids this morning. All 3 of them were pissing me off – on the day they just couldn’t. Field trip day at camp and we HAD to be there early. Nobody was doing anything to help get themselves ready. My level of frustration was getting higher and higher and then I just snapped. Lots of yelling and cupboards being slammed.
I hate days like that – I think “how can these little people that I love with my entire being make me so IRATE”
On the way to camp we talked about my tantrum. I told them why I got angry. And the things that they could do to help out. Just like during the school year – summer isn’t a free pass to do NOTHING.
My worry is when I see my little redhead lose his temper and I see myself in him.
My only consolation is that I know we are a loving family. We are affectionate. We tell all of our kids that we love them plenty of times a day. We are happy more than we are not.
And we are human – we get mad.
I haven’t read this book, but I’d have to agree that I sometimes don’t like my kid(s). And I recognise that it’s the behaviour that’s driving me up the wall in the moment, but I know that feeling all too well of being SO HAPPY to push them through the school doors in the morning, especially after a trying morning. (Especially when many mornings in a row are “trying.”) I feel you.
But, I doubt that lovely little monkey you’ve got there will turn into a serial killer… prolly not. 😉
Brilliant, Erin. Exactly what I would have said. We like and love them, it is their behaviour we don’t.
It sounds like that is the difference between what you are feeling and the feelings of the character in the book. My concern with this is that there is a tendency to blame everything on mothers. Sometimes, especially in the case of mental illness, a person is born that way.
Plus, I have two VERY different kids. I don’t think I can take responsibility for their challenges any more than I can take credit for all of their gifts.
I haven’t read the book yet, but it sounds like a good one.
I think that all of us don’t like our kids sometimes. Just like we don’t like our own parents sometimes, or our friends or spouse. Sometimes people piss us off.
Really, it’s that we don’t like their behaviour. You don’t like it when Will is whiny. I don’t like it when my kids are whiny either. But we still like and love them. I think that’s the important distinction the kids need to understand and we need to explain it to them.
Lately, everytime I say or do something the girls don’t like (like not letting them have a candy, or colour on the furniture), they say, “you don’t love me anymore”. I’m spending a lot of time explaining, over & over, that we can be angry at someone, or dislike their behaviour but still like them. It gets tiresome but hopefully, eventually it will stick.
Definite true for all of us!!