Christmas is here. It’s everywhere. The stores, the television, the radio, school, work parties. It’s all around us. Those who know me know that this is not my time of year. I will freely admit to being a grinch, the burgermeister meisterburger or Sue Sylvester…you know any of those tv characters who try to stop Christmas from coming.
I’m not sure I can pinpoint why this is, but I have some ideas. I think it boils down to my issues with anxiety. I find the whole opening presents and buying the right presents stressful. I find the entire ‘lets all spend enormous amounts of time together, pretending we are all crazy about each other when really, we’re better in small doses’ TOTALLY overwhelming. It got to the point in my early twenties when I recognized this and I removed myself from any Christmas Eve activities. I’d spend the night by myself at the movies and then head home to the tub with a beautiful bottle of the same Oregon Pinot Noir that I couldn’t afford the rest of the year. And it was heavenly. I think I actually made it through those Christmas days without ending up a bawling mess of anxiety.
My mom told me that even as a kid I wasn’t over the moon about it. (look at the body language..must get away from tree..) I think I had the excitement over toys and I do remember going through the Sears catalog and flagging what I wanted. But my only childhood memory about Christmas is getting the same box of lollipops at my grandma’s every year. I am a person who can tell you the colour of washroom stalls from every can I’ve been in since I was ten…yet, I have NO memories of Christmas as a kid.
As I got older, I do remember more. I loved that we all piled around my parents bed to open our stockings. I loved that my grandmother would get the biggest kick out of her Farmer’s Almanac and trashy mags that we got her year after year. I loved sitting between my mom and dad with the dog in the middle of the bed. But honest to god, that’s it.
So…I went to my dad’s last weekend to go through our old photo albums. I wanted to see if something triggered for me. I wanted to see if there were fond memories that were buried in a sea of anxiety. There were year after year of pictures – different boyfriends and girlfriends, different houses, different hairstyles. But what was the same…there was my mom, my dad, my sisters, my brother, my grandmother and my dog (oh and those ridiculous hats that you get in the crackers). And I guess that’s what Christmas really is…being with your family…warts and all. Slowly, a few other memories started coming back to me – and they were happy ones.
I remember my sister being in Ottawa with her then husband and me being so upset that she wasn’t going to be home with us. Then I remember her walking through the door.
I remember being in Australia and calling home on Christmas day and my whole extended family was together in Montreal. I stood in a phone booth in 45 degree heat, tears flowing down my cheeks, while all of them got on the phone to say how much they wished I was there.
Then I saw these pictures. This is my mom, being surprised on Christmas morning by my dad, with a new car. My sister and I were dog sitting at a friends and drove it over in the morning, Suzanne out the sunroof, me honking the horn. I’m positive my mom was inside saying ‘jesus, what Idiot is honking their horn on Christmas morning!’ and then she saw us. It was the BEST surprise. She got in the car in tears and then looked at me – ‘you’ll never drive this again so I hope you liked it.’. In her excitement, she got hammered on champagne and orange juice then she talked to the toaster and put herself back to bed by 11am.
These are the memories I’m going to focus on while I attempt to launch into a new state of loving Christmas. I need to do it for Will and he’s making it easy for me. He saw Santa at the mall a couple weeks ago and his expression of pure joy brought me to tears. The way he says goodnight to his tree (yes – I got a real tree…and hung my family’s angel on the top) everynight makes me smile. I guess like everything in my life…Will is going to make it that much sweeter for me.
**hmm maybe the Christmas hating started the year my boyfriend gave me nail clippers IN A TIFFANYS BOX???**
thanks so much Nanc…x
ok just read the anxiety piece. Brave, beautiful sara. WOW. Some of this was familiar to me in those early days. You are amazing. Thank you for the honesty and sharing
gorgeous post, Sara. I think we all feel different and varying level of what you are talking about. The story of your mom and dad is amazing. What a nice dad ! really sweet. I love your mom talking to the toaster. Merry Christmas Sara! xoxox
I love the photo of you mom and dad, such surprise and joy! I think joy is the word for Christmas. Forget about making it perfect and just enjoy family time. I used to try to go all Martha Stewart at Christmas (and Halloween, and for dinner parties, and, and, and,…). Now I realize, it’s the company that counts and a potluck dinner is just as good, if not better. It took having twins to bring me to that realization but…hey, better late than never.
Have a wonderful time with Will, it’s so cool when even a house with lots of Christmas lights make a child’s day magic!
that would be Wiebeck….
I’ve spent 3 Christmases away from home due to extended travels….the last two being in Australia. It almost feels weird to be home this year as well as not knowing where I will be this time next year as I may be moving after university is done for work.
Personally, I love Christmas mainly for all the special decorations we bring out, the smell of fresh-baked treats, and the general “good cheer”.
My mom started a great tradition when each of us was born. Every year me, my sisters, and brother get a special tree ornament. No one theme and from no one store…just whatever caught my mom’s attention for whatever reason. On Christmas morning the new ornament gets put on the tree, along with all the others already up, and when it comes down it is lovingly added to the wrinkled and faded list (marking year, description of ornament, and any special notes to go with it). The lists are tucked away with our carefully wrapped ornaments to be brought out again next year.
One year I asked my mom why she gave us an ornament every year since we were born. She said, “So that, one day, when you move out, you will have enough ornaments to be able to decorate a small tree yourself”. Reading the list and carefully unwrapping each ornament is one of my favourite parts of Christmas. I haven’t permanently moved out yet but I know that when I finally have a tree of my own it will be full of wonderful Christmas memories!
Who gave you nail clippers in a Tiffany’s box??? That’s just mean!
I love the look on your Mom’s face and even more so, the look on your Dad’s. Giving a great gift that is well received is so much better than getting.
I think kids help us discover Christmas again…I wasn’t that wild about Christmas
in my twenties…It reminded me of the fact that my parents weren’t around, but
overseas…When the kids came along, I relaxed and started to enjoy it…Their
joy keeps a smile on your face…good luck!!
I can see it now. And feel it now. Will is going to make a Christmas-lover out of you! I just know it! Just think of the expression when he opens that fantastically wrapped gift!! THAT’S what Christmas is about – the joy on our kids faces. The magic and wonderment of it all.
Next year he’ll be 3. Mark my words – it will only get better!
Love the story about your moms car. Love the pics even better! Kudos to the photog who snapped that at the very right moment!
We can’t wait either!!!
Just so you know…we already have the crackers so the crazy hats are on for this year! and wait until you see the home movies where you are a baby and everyone is walking over you to decorate the tree and open presents…maybe that where some of this comes from. Cannot wait for this Christmas and its memories!!!
How ever we find ways to either enjoy the hell out of it, or merely endure, it comes and then it goes. I think kids might be the key to getting back into the spirit of things.
And I would have murdered my boyfriend if he ever gave me a nail-clipper in a Tiffany’s box… was he trying to be funny or something? That’s just plain mean… ack.
OK, that picture of your mom (and the story that goes with it) is SO awesome! Love it. I hope you find your way this Christmas with Will and can enjoy seeing it through his eyes.