Death, Dump, Drive, Diapers…My Own Eat, Pray, Love

I read Eat, Pray, Love a number of years ago and I liked it.  Then I saw Liz Gilbert on Oprah (god every man reading this just broke out in hives) and I fell in love with her, reread the book and loved it that much more.  I saw the movie this weekend, even though Julia Roberts gives ME hives, and I loved it too.  (She was perfect and in some scenes absolutely beautiful…but Richard Jenkins…I officially love Richard Jenkins).

I’ve been reading reviews and blogs about the movie and….wait, just one second, I have to get up on my soapbox AGAIN….okay….if I read one more comment about this book being indulgent or how ‘priviledged’ she is, I’m going to lose my s&^t!!!  PEOPLE…it says right on the book – this is ‘One Woman’s Memoir’.  She’s not advocating that everyone quit their job and take off for a year to find themselves.  She’s telling HER story and you either choose to read it or you don’t.  And frankly, I agree with my friend/babysitter Sarah, I think everyone is jealous.  Oh, and you’re pissed that she didn’t stay single at the end?!  You know what? Everyone is different.  I totally agree that people need time out of relationships to love themselves first.  But who says how long that should be?  And really, that was her struggle at the end.  The bottom line is this.  People get paid to write books all the time.  The fact that she got paid to go on a personal journey and write about it….and learn things about herself at the same time?  Good for her! 

Okay, off the box and back to my ‘indulgent’ blog…because really, I write about myself every day – how indulgent is that?  I was really, REALLY moved by the story.  I feel like for the last decade, I’ve been on my own personal journey (ugh it sounds like the Bachelorette) to find out who I am, and to love myself so I can be a great partner to someone some day.  It would be called…

Death, Dump, Drive, Diapers

My first step…the death of my mother.  This November will be ten years since I lost my mother.  Well, in fairness, I didn’t lose her – cancer stole her from me.  And all of a sudden at the age of 30, I needed to grow up.  No longer would I have her to make my decisions for me or to reassure me that I was doing the right thing.  I’ve often said, I really wish my mom could see me now because I think she would be proud of the person that I am now; of the friends that I now surround myself with; and of the way I’ve chosen to live my life. 

Second for me..the Dump.  Specifically, the breaking up with my fiance.  This September, would have been my ninth wedding anniversary.  Well, it wouldn’t have been because we never would have made it that long.  But this was such a milestone for me in my personal growth.  It was the first really big decision that I made alone.  And it was hard.  He had asked my mom permission to marry me before she died and I couldn’t imagine being with someone who she had never known.  But after an agonizing few months of thinking, I realized that you have one life to live and I wasn’t prepared to live a life of ‘okay’.  That wasn’t good enough for me OR for him.  I have never once questioned my decision.  And I’ve come to terms with that fact that when I do meet the right person for me, I know in my heart that if he makes me happy, then my mom would have loved him. 

Next up…the Drive.  A few months ago, I wrote about affairs..  I owned up to the fact that I had a very intense emotional affair for about a year.  It ended in a November and the summer after, I loaded up my car with every letter, copies of emails, picture and gifts that he had given me and drove to Maine.  I used to spend a couple of weeks there every summer when I was a kid and it remains my favourite place in the world.  I rented a place on the beach.  The first night, I cracked a bottle of wine, watched the incredible sunset, reread all the letters and walked them down to the dumpster and chucked all that crap out.  And I forgave myself because I knew and I KNOW, I will never do that to another woman again.  I spent the week walking the beach and just being.  I thought about the type of relationship that I would want and what I deserved.  It was amazing.  Do you need an ashram in India for four months? No, but a week…a day…to yourself is something everyone can do.

Last up of course…the Diapers.  I made a decision to have a baby.  I picked a donor.  I got pregnant.  I had the baby.  I got postpartum.  I asked for help.  I survived.  I am now in love. 

I’m in love with Will.  I’m in love with being his mommy. (this hangs in his bathroom…an ode to the book…if you can’t see it with the crappy quality – it says ‘Eat – Bathe – Love’)

And I like myself, I truly do.  Do I have more work to do?  Yup, but that’s living isn’t it.  You learn new lessons and new things about yourself every day and you grow from them – good or bad.  But I’m ready.  I’m ready to let someone in.  I deserve someone amazing and someday, I’ll find him.

I’m getting a new bed on Thursday….maybe it’s a sign?!?!