Will had a playdate with some other boys on Saturday and one of the mom’s is pregnant again. She just found out it’s a girl – and she wasn’t thrilled but was getting used to the idea. Her reasoning – being a girl is hard. Plain and simple. And I couldn’t agree more. It was one of the reasons that I really wanted a boy.
I suffered from low self-esteem in high school and university. My new mom friends won’t buy this for a second and maybe people I’ve known forever won’t buy it either but I hid it well. My sister bought it and I remember her hammering me after university – ‘do you honestly not think you’re pretty or smart??’ – my answer was simple – ‘no I don’t’. And I didn’t. I never felt ENOUGH. I didn’t feel smart enough or pretty enough. I wasn’t a good enough athlete or student.
I can’t tell you why. I seriously can’t. I had great parents who were supportive of everything I did. They never belittled my accomplishments or told me I was ugly or dumb. Quite the opposite. I had a ton of friends. I was very involved at school. But it never felt enough. I never felt enough.
I can only boil it down to boys. Being a bit crippled by anxiety (which I recognize now), I never really had your typical high school or university romance. When I think of who my boyfriends were – even my ex-fiance – all of the relationships began with confidence building booze and morphed into something after. Even my first love in high school. He was someone I considered way out of my league. But a drunken night (no not of sex dad…yeesh!!!) turned into a sweet romance. Until his ex-girlfriend decided she wanted him back. She was beautiful – this added to my ‘not enough’ness.
Before my mom died she handed me back a pile of my journals from those days. We read them together and laughed. All of them were brimming with youthful dreams of romance. This guy or that guy and why he wasn’t interested. The ‘woe is me’, I’ll be alone forever drama. There were no mentions of my friends or the sports success I had. No mention of being voted on to the student council. In hindsight, it’s a bit sad – especially since I didn’t remember 90% of the guys I wrote about!!
What turned it all around? I’d love to share a pivotal moment but it hasn’t been like that. It’s been a slow growth over time. But what brought it home to me this weekend were a few things. First that conversation with my friend. Second, we were at a party for high school friends on Saturday and one of the guys, who was like the ‘shizz’ back in the day gave me a hug and said ‘wow, you look gorgeous – just like you always have.’ I said thanks, and I didn’t question it. I didn’t think ‘oh he’s just saying that’. I took the compliment and thought – yeah you know what, I’m not so bad and never had been!
Lastly, I saw an old boyfriend in the park with his kid yesterday. It was totally random, hadn’t seen him in over twenty years. The low self esteem girl would have ran and avoided. Or if he said something, my face would have turned red and I would have spent the next few hours analyzing how ridiculous I seemed.
Yesterday what did Will’s mom do? I walked right up to him and said, ‘hey aren’t you??’ and we spent a few minutes catching up while our kids played on the slide. And I left the park with my son and felt empowered by the whole weekend.
So mothers of daughters, I bow to you. I think it’s a tough job. I know that us mom’s of boys will have our own sets of challenges but navigating those girls through the crap of teenage and young adulthood must be terrifying.
And me? At 41, have I finally grown up and left that girl behind? I think I have. Why? Because I put my head on pillow at night and know a few things – I’m a good mother; I’m a good daughter; I’m a good sister and friend. And most importantly, it’s enough. I’m enough.
**oh and the picture? Me on the left – grade 8 – and yes, my pants are elastic waistband – what’s your point??**
Hey Cynthia
‘Wasted time’ is so it isn’t it? Argh. And listen – I still for sure – and I think everyone does – have some self esteem issues as well, but I think it’s about managing them. i.e. I’m going to NYC next weekend and I was actually driving to work thinking that I need to borrow some clothes because my wardrobe isn’t ‘COOL’ enough. WHAT. I honestly shook my head and said – Sara, the trip is about seeing friends – no one gives a rats ass what you’re wearing. But it’s so easy to get sucked back into the negative way of thinking…Congrats on ‘getting there’!
Well, here’s another “wow, I would have written this” comment. Isn’t that amazing? I feel like my relationship with boys/men completely affected my formative years. Without getting into too many personal things, highschool was fraught with seeking the affections of too many boys, got married at 19, divorced at 24…then had to really find myself and finally found a good man when I was in the right place in my life. But what an ordeal to get there. So much wasted time and energy when I had no idea how “good enough” I was back then. Not exceptional, but totally good enough.
My eldest is turning 8 next month and I can only hope that my insecurities and self-esteem issues (there are still a few of them, I admit) don’t show themselves too much with her. She’s quite a little wonder right now but I’m afraid of what lies ahead as she heads into the pre-tweens…
A great post, Sara. And I love the photo. 🙂
Jen it’s incredible to me how many women have emailed or facebooked me and said ‘I feel I could have written this’. Isn’t it sad that we all just couldn’t have known how ‘enough’ we really were!!! And you’re so right on the ‘losing of your mother’ reasoning for knowing. I so often wish that my mom could know we now because I know she’d be proud of me and probably like me a crap load more than she did before…:)
Fran!!! What an incredible, honest reply. Thanks SO much for sharing. And good for you for not carrying bitterness from your past into adulthood – so many people do. Will pretends to put on mascara so maybe I can talk him into pedi’s someday??? You’re awesome Fran!
Sara, I had my fingers crossed when I got pregnant, hoping, wishing, praying, visualizing and even dreaming that it was a boy. I always wanted a boy because I felt it would be difficult raising a girl. And guess what? I got a girl. I remember being disappointed when I was told it was definitely a girl. All my fears came to the fore and I had to deal with them once and for all before the baby was born.
I asked myself what exactly I was afraid of. Well, it also had to do with self-esteem issues and my relationship with my mother. I was never enough for my mom and I remember growing up hating being a girl. I never celebrated my femininity, it was…dirty. By the way, where I come from boys are ranked higher than girls. My parents weren’t too happy to have girls, they wanted boys more ‘to carry on the family name’. My middle name means ‘hope’. My mother told me they gave me that name as they ‘hoped’ for a boy the next time around. So that’s how I grew up, feeling unwanted. I’ve forgiven my parents for this and love them still.
I then resolved that I would raise my daughter differently. She would know that she is a worthy, powerful being and perfect the way she is. I will affirm her all the time so she’s secure and help her love being a girl and at the same time guide her, the best way I can, to avoid pitfalls that being a girl may bring (BOYS!!). A girls only school sounds really good.
So after realizing that she doesn’t have to experience what I went through and that I have the power to ensure that she grows up confident and celebrates her femininity in a positive way, I got excited about having a girl.
Now she’s here, I realize my fears were unfounded. I am actually looking forward to her growing up so we can go shopping, paint our nails and do stuff together. Coz we’re both girls and we have so much in common. I’m no longer afraid because I now know what I’m dealing with. Love you baby girl.
Thanks Sara for the therapy. Had to purge that out.
Oh, Sara. I am so sad because I could have written this. I often think, “there were so many wonderful things about me. Why didn’t I see them?” The thing is, I think I did but I didn’t value them. Plus, I expected perfection and that, I have learned, is unachievable and not worth wasting time on. I too had an amazing family and supportive, loving parents which is why I think as an adult I am able to get beyond these feelings.
For me the transition happened over time but there were some major moments. 1) Marrying a man who loves me. Me. His only expectation of me is that I am true to myself. Corny but true. 2) Becoming a mother. How humbling! Puts all of the silly navel gazing in perspective. 3) UrbanMoms. This place has brought me so much joy! And the sense of accomplishment and community has given me strength, self-worth and confidence I never knew I had. 4) The loss of my mom. I know you get this.
One thing I look back on with huge regret is that I was so insecure about myself that I didn’t get to know a lot of the people in High School who were probably the most interesting of all. I was so conscious of myself that I was often bitchy and closed off. I am not this person any more. And, the great news is, my daughter at 7 years-old does not seem to carry the burden of these insecurities (at least not yet). She is confident and competitive and demands respect. Often her peers are seeking approval from others and playing the “girl games” but she just barrels through and does whatever the crap she wants to. You go girl! As hard as it is sometimes to watch I admire her so much!
Btw, you are beautiful, and smart, and a great mom, and a brilliant writer.
We SO do because that was exactly my response too. My first blog was on the Edge site and I was thinking ‘AS IF the kids who listen to this station will be into my ridiculous life’. We need to give ourselves more credit! My siblings didn’t harass my looks….just my nasty speech impediment…but that’s a story for another day!
Thanks Roberta…it’s so true on the accomplishments part isn’t it? And I didn’t just have you fooled – I remember mom and dad when Sue asked me about feeling pretty or smart and their complete shock when I said no. It sure as hell wasn’t their fault and I think they were taken aback, as any parent would be, that it was. Ahhhh youth.
When I first met you Sara, you were in high school, and I had come to visit just
after getting engaged to your uncle Dennis. I remember thinking to myself
that you seemed like the type of girl who had everything wrapped up. You
were pretty, tall, slim and outgoing…You were so outgoing with all of your
uncles…I thought you were would have been way too popular to have been my friend in high school…just goes to show you how wrapped up in the superficial we all are and how all of our assumptions are often very wrong!! I was always the
average girl…or so I thought…it wasn’t until years later that I realized I had
been very pretty…but never realized it…I also felt like I wasn’t CUTE enough,
thin enough etc etc etc!! How hard we all are on ourselves. Toran said
the other day that nobody liked her in grade nine as she was so awkward…one
of my best memories of her was the spring of grade nine…she had come
back from a visit to Phoenix with friends and brought back the prettiest
white sweater and capri pants…she looked totally Audrey Hepburn and adorable…
she says the guys didn’t see her at all…they were only interested in the blonde
haired, blue eyed types…they didn’t see her exotic interesting beauty until
she was about 20…she finally knows now that she is attractive, but it took
a number of years for her self esteem to kick in…I saw her beauty, but she
didn’t…it is hard to raise girls!!! Also, you’re quite right how we don’t pat
ourselves on the back for all we did accomplish…it was always about looks,
and we didn’t consider achievement…I achieved a lot and didn’t think twice about
that!!
I’m terrified of Eva growing up feeling not good about herself. While she is a gorgeous girl – I worry about what impact her birthmark will have on her self-esteem as she gets older. The plastic surgeon can repair most of the damage, but she will always have scars. I see the way kids look at her now and she is only 3. We just make sure that we are very open and honest with everyone about it – like it’s not a big deal or anything to hide or be ashamed of…but oh how I worry…girls can be incredibly CRUEL.
And ya – I hear on the personal front. I have always thought my freckles made me ugly…could have been 2 older sisters telling they looks like shitspots (see!!! cruel…)
And when I was asked to write – my first thought was “There’s no way I’m good enough. Nobody would read my stuff”
We have to meet one day.
Great posting. My daughter is already showing signs of ‘not enough’ – hates her hair, wants a wig to cover it, whines about friends in a way that she shouldn’t at 4yrs old. I have my work cut out for me. I too was fairly successful on paper but struggled a bit internally and in so doing, sold myself short socially. I’ll leave it at that. Paperwork awaits! Glad you feel comfortable in your own shoes or stilettos or sandals or stocking feet, whatever you feel to wear, today!