I just got back from the post office. I was running to mail some overdue parking bills, Will’s registration to soccer (woohoo!!!) and a card to my friend in the States.
To get there, I had to cut through Sears and some other spots in the Eaton Centre. And of course, as the holiest of Hallmark Holidays approaches – I was bombarded with all things Mother’s Day. And that familiar clench came into my heart.
I’m a motherless mother. I have a wonderful step-mother, who I’m fortunate to have in my life – and she is also a motherless mother, so I know she understands. Last year was my first Mother’s Day with Will and for the first time in a decade, I didn’t feel the need to avoid the malls or have a panic attack to walk down the card aisle in Shoppers.
My clenching this year isn’t really for me. This year it’s for my friends – friends who have had the devastation of losing their children too soon or others who are struggling to get to motherhood, either emotionally or physically. And walking through the mall this year, I didn’t get sad. I got pissed off. Like really pissed off. Heart pounding pissed off.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Why do we have ‘holidays’ like this? If you love your mom and think she’s awesome – tell her all the time! Let’s spare those of us who have to deal with the loss of our mothers or children the agony of having it pounded into us over and over again what we’re lacking.
For the last ten years, I’ve had a big drink on the Monday after Mother’s Day because if I held it together, I was proud of myself. This year on the day after, I’m going to have a big drink for all of the amazing women in my life, who struggle with disappointment and cope with loss with a ridiculous amount of strength, and who I’m blessed to know. And that drink will be one massive vodka and tonic – for the Aromatic Elixir wearing, Karma Chameleon loving, beautiful woman who was my mom. Who IS my mom. (And goddamn she’d love that I’m sharing a ‘skinny’ picture!!!)
You’re so right Annabelle on the for the kids thing and I’m going to take that attitude. I’m secretly curious to see what Will made for me this week at school – I can only imagine. And thanks so much for your ‘p.s’ – it made me well up – my step-mom just emailed to say how much I look like my mom in that picture – it’s just not anything I had noticed before – it makes me smile.
Here! Here! Down with the Hallmark holiday, and lets throw in Valentines Day while we’re at it. Days that do nothing but set us up for disappointment with our high and distorted expectations thanks to all that marketing.
I have been a motherless mother for nearly seven years now and I am just starting to find the “holiday” a little bit bearable, but still resent how everyone talks of spa days and lovely brunches and I go to the cemetery.
I have learned that the Mother’s Day “holiday” is really about the kids. It is about their wonky craft creations and sweet poems…about how they get a chance to share some feelings that maybe they would have kept inside had the day not presented itself.
So, I suppose I should be a little less Grinchy about it, but I secretly am with you. On Sunday I will raise my glass of wine to you and to the end of this “holiday” !
p.s. What a pretty mom you had! Great picture
Thanks for replying Emily and I’m with your mom – I call it the ‘holiest of Hallmark Holidays’. It sucks that you and the SO many women out there who like you are on the motherhood track but haven’t got there yet need another reminder – that makes me mad! Please have a toast with me on Monday to at least that one small part being over – good luck on your journey!!!!
Great post. My mother’s always called Mother’s Day a ‘Hallmark Holiday’ – meaning it’s been invented by retailers as a cash cow. I agree that it shouldn’t just be one day of gratefulness.
From my perspective, I’m a mother wannabe; after two pregnancy losses, Mother’s Day is heartbreaking for me. I was pregnant last Mother’s Day. Yet I’m not a mother. And, as if I’m not reminded daily by all my lucky mama friends and the proud stroller mamas out everywhere now that it’s spring, I resent that there’s a whole day (and the lead-up towards it) celebrating something I haven’t been able to be. It’s like a big “Nyah, nyah – in your face!” to me from the world.
Down with Mother’s Day!
Oh Christine…so sad, I’m so sorry. Argh – another reason to can it! Let’s have a ‘cyber drink’ together on Monday!
wiping away tears.
i lost my best friend last july. she left behind 3 little ones (7, 4 & 2)
this was the holiday that’s been giving me the most anxiety since she died.
Awesome post, Sara.
I still have my mom, but while reading your post, I realised that I completely take her for granted.. and bitch about her a little too often… okay, like all the time really and I shouldn’t.
Since Felix has been born, and Ben went away, I don’t know what I would have done without her. Seriously, I probably would have thrown myself down a flight of stairs by now.. through all the colic and sleepless nights, she was always there to help if I asked for it –and if I didn’t (she knows I won’t) she would offer and wouldn’t take no for an answer. BUT, she still gets on my nerves.. the little changes in her voice when I know she’s judging me for choices I’m making with Felix. Like yesterday she saw that I had a jar of organic babyfood and gave me a lecture on how easy it was to make food at home.. how much healthier it would be –after I just bought a bunch of food to make him.. ARGH.. pisses me off. Especially when I know I didn’t have home made babyfood when I was little.
ANYHOW, I just wanted to say, thanks for reminding me that my time with Mom is limited and that I should spend less time complaining about her and instead should thank my lucky stars I have her in my life!
It’s funny Jaimie – I have never thought that I looked like her – except the eyes…my granny, mom and I all have the same ones.
Hey Kath – It’s interesting. I remember my mom’s last mother’s day – we also knew it would be the last. We did a big brunch, got all duded up and went out and I remember at the time thinking it was bogus. Maybe I’m kidding myself but I like to think that I thanked her and told her she was amazing when I was feeling it (when I wasn’t bugging the crap out of her!). But I found the word ‘mother’ so difficult. I wonder if it’s a different feeling for you because you have kids of your own – because for sure it’s changed for me now that I have Will.
I agree with your last point and it made me giggle. Tanya (commented above) and I were shopping for her wedding dress and her mom was far away in Oz. We were misty that she wasn’t there to shop with us but then from the next room we heard this mom and daughter having a total bitchfest at each other and we both burst out laughing….maybe it wasn’t so bad. Then we went and stored it at my mom’s house… I will always smile at this.
This made me cry!
Sara, I love this photo of you and your Mom. So bloody cute! I still have my mother even though she lives on the other side of the world but I do agree that Mother’s Day should be done away with along with Father’s Day, Valentine’s Day and any other day that makes half the people feel bad and the other half feel guilty and/or stressed trying to figure out what to do for it. And yes, mothers (and fathers) should be thanked every day (I won’t hold my breath!).
Point number one: I am crying at my desk. Point number two: Wow, you are SO similar in looks to your mother! Mother’s Day has snuck up on me a little bit this year. I look forward to honouring my mother-in-law, who is a treasure, but I’m at a little bit of a loss as to how I want to celebrate my own mother, or myself.
You know, Sara, this year I’ve thought a lot about it, because this will be my first Mother’s Day without my own mother. Last year we *knew* it would be our last Mother’s Day with our mom, and my two sisters and I were all together with her on the day. I’m a little worried that the day will be hard to get through, but seeing all the paraphernalia in the stores hasn’t bothered me.
One thing though, is I do see how much I took EVERYTHING for granted when my mom was still around. I knew intellectually that people had difficult times at holidays because of personal circumstances, but I didn’t understand how ANYTHING can bring the loss back painfully. And people who complain about their mothers’ worrying or being needy or calling all the time…that pisses me off. I want to tell them to be thankful they HAVE a mom to bug them!