Single Mother Pregnancy – the loneliest nine months of life??

Will and I were sitting on my sister’s couch last night watching the trees go bananas outside with an impending, almost summer like, storm.  It made me think back to two years ago at this time when we spent many, MANY sleepness nights together doing the same thing.  Except he was in utero.  Will wasn’t a mover in utero, something you need to get used to quickly, or spend many paranoid moments wondering wtf is going on – but for storms, he would rise to the occassion and went nuts for them just like I do.

This made me think that I should continue telling our story – because now I was pregnant, and alone and oddly, that to me has been the weirdest part of our whole journey.  Now, let me start by saying that I was never ‘alone’ per se, but when you think about being pregnant you don’t envision your dad in your ultrasound appointment, your best friend going to your labour classes or your sister holding your hand while you have an amnio.  Again, all of these things were AWESOME in hindsight but left me feeling very, very melancholy.

My pregnancy was barf-filled.  I was tired.  I was emotional.  I was horny.  Wait – this sounds like me now except for the barfing!  Ummm anyway – I was also lonely.  But it was a weird lonely because I knew that it was the last time in my life that I would be alone*.  And it both comforted me and terrified me at the same time!  *In no way am I suggesting a child is a replacement for a partner because I am still ‘alone’ in that way but never again would I solely be thinking or deciding things for myself.  

I’d love to say I was empowered and woke up every morning thinking ‘I’m a strong, independent woman.  I don’t need a man!’  But many nights I would lie in bed thinking of my pregnant and married friends and (yes, you can laugh now) pictured them getting foot rubs, feeling the baby kick and lying in bed together talking about their dreams for the baby.  And even though I had Will ‘with me’, it was probably the loneliest time I’ve had in the last ten years of my life.

Sean wrote an entry last week that made me laugh and remember my biggest meltdown in those nine months.  It was 5am and I had a panic attack that I wouldn’t be able to afford to have Will by myself.  I was crying so hard that I was hyperventilating and having just moved, I decided it was a super time to head to the 24-hour Home Depot.  I got there and started telling ‘Dave’ about the bbq I needed and proceeding to burst into wracking sobs about how I couldn’t afford the bbq stand too because I was going to be broke.  He said, ‘I’m sure between you and your husband, you can make it work.’  Cue the hysteria.  I told him everything, my entire tale of failed relationships and turkey basters.  Poor Dave.  I finished by saying, “I’m fine, really, I’m just pissed off that the Second Cup isn’t open.”.  He got me the bbq, and took me around the rest of the store to get my list completed. He took me to my car and loaded it all in.  The bbq wouldn’t fit so he sent me home and said he’d be waiting.  Twenty minutes later, I got back to Dave, my bbq and a steaming hot coffee.  

I kid you not – he hugged me goodbye and said that he knew I could do this and not to worry.  And as RIDICULOUS as it may sound, Dave turned things around for me.  Sure, lying in bed alone at night was and is still lonely (well unless the boy is there).  But he made me realize that people were pulling for us and that so many people from so many facets of my life were confident that I could pull this thing off.  I’m probably the least ‘alone’ person that I know.

Two months later, I would figure out what never being alone again REALLY means!!!  More on that later…

Now if I could just get some action….   

And no, Dave wasn’t single….but I did write a long letter to the Depot about what an incredible employee they have!

photo by barebonephoto.com