*SIGH*
I’ve been away for a long time, I know it. And it’s not just here on my blog that I’ve been largely MIA. I haven’t posted a Facebook status in weeks and I’m sure my family and friends would tell you that they haven’t had a phone call from me in ages either. And why? Change. Stress. LIFE. Being a grownup. That’s why.
In the last month, a lot has happened. I had to leave a job that I loved, and up until two days before my last day, I wasn’t sure I would have a new job to go to. Which, as I’m sure you can appreciate, is a very scary prospect for a single mom. So there was that.
As it happens, thanks to happy coincidence and the recommendation of a wonderful colleague, my luck held and I did get a teaching position at another school – one that will carry me until the end of this school year. Whew. Relief! But tune in again this spring as the stress ratchets up again when I begin to worry about where (or if…please God, don’t let it be if) I will be working come September.
And then there was the sadness. In fact, I would say the sadness of leaving was even harder to handle than the worry and uncertainty about my future work prospects. That sadness weighed on me terribly for the two weeks leading up to my leaving, and I suffered for it. A lot. In a very real way, it was like mourning; because when something you love and cherish is taken away from you, and you have no control over that loss, it is a kind of mourning.
So I mourned. I mourned, and I worried.
And I am also worried about my daughter, who suffers from anxiety so badly that she has essentially stopped going to school. (And for the record, I am aware of the irony that the teacher’s child is afraid to go to school. Also for the record: it’s not funny.) And I was afraid because for six years I have been fighting to find supports that will enable her to be well enough to return to school on a regular basis. And for six years I’ve been shuttled from therapist to social worker to pediatrician to psychologist and so on. And still, nothing has ever really worked. And so from deep within the worry and the frustration, a new emotion begins to percolate up – hopelessness.
And then there’s the new job. A new workplace, new colleagues, new students. Plenty to get used to, plenty of names and faces to learn, plenty of new relationships to forge. None of it bad, but all of it…different. It’s amazing how we take for granted how soothing our daily routines can be: you wake up at the same time every weekday, drive to the same place, park in the same spot, work in the same room, see the same faces, enjoy the same people, drive home the same way and do it all again the next day. Suddenly, I had to ask myself: when do I need to wake up in the morning in order to get to a different place for an earlier time? Where should I park? Where is my classroom? Who are my students? Where is the staffroom? What are the routines? How should I dress? Where can I get coffee? CAN I get coffee? Suddenly, every moment of the day becomes a question to be asked, a decision to be made. Suddenly, all the things you take for granted about the proverbial “day-to-day” disappear, and it’s a lot like having the proverbial rug pulled out from underneath you. And it’s not that I’m not up to it, it’s just that it’s…well, it’s exhausting, to be perfectly frank. I have come home from work every day for the last two weeks and collapsed into bed for a nap before I could even begin to contemplate making dinner, helping the kids with their homework, making lunches for the next day, getting everyone ready for bed…
But when you get right down to it…all of that stuff? That’s just life. It’s part of being a parent and a professional and well, part of being a grownup, really. Right? So what else is there to do other than to soldier on and not let it wear you down? And that’s what I’ve done. I’ve devoted a whole lot of emotional energy to just keeping my head above water during this last few weeks, and the time I’ve had to myself, well…I gave myself permission to use it just for myself. I’ve started reading a new book, I took myself out for a pedicure, I spent a night out with friends from my old job. Because I know from hard experience, if I don’t look out for myself, I won’t be able to help those that rely on me to look out for them.
Ah Kath. I know what you mean, I’ve been doing the same thing. I don’t have the mental energy to write lately.
Hugs to you and your girls.
so hard Kath and so brave of you. I am sure that so much good will come from this difficulty. Ask for help and accept it. It is generous of you xoxxo