Connected

I was hoping for the same experience when I was expecting Cuyler, but I knew that anything could happen.  About 10 hours into the labour I was annoyed.  And by 18 hours into it I was worried.  When he was finally born after 22 hours, they did not place him on my chest right away.  After cutting and clamping the cord that was bound around his neck four times, they frantically whisked him away.  I saw a flash of him and what I saw was a blue, limp baby.  It was horrifying.  I believe it was at that moment that I disconnected.  

I didn’t know if my baby would live because he looked dead.  

I’m not sure how long it took for them to resuscitate him.  It felt like forever.  Sean sat silent, I was in the bed with my head in my hands crying and I kept repeating “Make him ok.  Just make him ok…”  We heard a weak cry and felt a rush of relief.
They gave him to me for just a few seconds before taking him away again.  He was unable to regulate is body temp, so he had to be monitored in an incubator until he could. This was our first brief meeting:
I am pretty sure that this was the foundation of my postpartum depression.  When he was a newborn, I felt very indifferent towards him.  Nursing was just a means to an end.  I was going through the motions just trying to put the days in.  Not to mention the 18 month old I had to still care for.  In my postpartum mind I blamed Cuyler for the guilt I felt towards Cam.

I felt completely disconnected from Cuy.  A good therapist and a lot of family support got me through that very dark period.

I started really coming out of the fog when he was about 6 months old.  Was feeling a little more bonded to him.  And knew I had to be present and focussed because we could be dealing with some developmental issues.  

I knew that I was starting to connect with him more when I noticed his disconnect.  

And that is when I started thinking “autism”.  Pretty ironic, huh?

I think that’s a big fear with a lot of us parents of kids with autism.  That we don’t connect with our children.  The relationship we want – we expect – just isn’t there.  
I see it in the eyes of my neighbours – whose little boy was just diagnosed 3 months ago.  They try so hard to get him to respond.  To look at them.  To connect.  Sometimes they seem desperate.

And they probably are.  We were them 5 years ago.  Unable to connect.  I felt like I had no relationship with him other than meeting his basic needs – feed, clothe and bathe.

Beyond that – I had to work for him with doctors and therapists.  

Days, months and years of hard work later I feel like I am more connected to Cuyler than anyone else (Sean is a very close 2nd).  I’m his safe place.  I’m his predictability.   I’m his trust.  I’m his mommy.

We snuggle

We chill out together

We connect

On the flip side – I can make him madder than hell when I push him to do things he does not want to and he can make me madder than hell when he’s having an off day.

When I think back to the time where we were living the life my neighbours are currently living, I remember that my greatest fear was never being able to connect with my child.