It occurs to me that after yesterday’s entry, I ought maybe to offer up a few words of explanation.
Because for most of you, indeed for almost anyone except my most close intimate circle of 3 or 4 girlfriends, my personal struggles would come as a surprise. It’s like this: I’m very accomplished at keeping my inner turmoil, well, inside. And this: this is a very public place, probably the most public circle in which I run. So all that other stuff, the private stuff, the personal stuff, I’ve kept that inside.
But I’ve come to realize (not without a fair deal of costly professional help, by-the-by) that holding it in, rising above, keeping a stiff upper lip; whatever you want to call it: it’s all just another way of running away from problems. And I? I am a runner. When given the choice of fight or flight, I’ll take flight every single time. I used to think it made me mature, noble even.
Now I see that it just makes me a coward.
Because fight doesn’t always have to translate into be a selfish intransigent bitch. Fight can (indeed should) mean stick up for yourself. Or as I like to say it these days, your self. Because that’s what I never did. I never saw the importance of placing my self in as important a place as the selves of the people who surround me. And I truly believe that nobody — not Gandhi, not Mother Theresa, not Nelson Mandela — nobody can really give of themselves to others if they allow themselves (and by that I mean their selves) to be subsumed.
So here’s the deal. I didn’t just wake up one day and selfishly say “I’m unhappy. And you’re the reason, so buh-bye.” Not one little bit. On the other hand, though, I did do an awful lot of private hand-wringing and lip chewing and screwing my courage to the sticking point (thanks, Will) before I ever even had the guts to suggest, “should we go to counseling?”
And yes, we did. A lot. For years we’ve bled money to a series of counselors and psychologists, with some great successes and some dismal failures.
Which raises another point I’ve learned. When it comes to defining success in terms of marriage counseling, success doesn’t always mean the couple stays married. Which is actually what the really good ones will tell you right off the bat. Success means finding a way for two injured, hurting, enmeshed and maybe even co-dependent people to emerge from the mess they’ve created for themselves with a shred of something left intact. And whether they decide to dust themselves off and travel the road that is the rest of their lives together or apart, that’s not the defining factor after all.
Success isn’t necessarily remaining married….Some this may be hard to accept….My ex and I did the counselling thing and our counsellor basically put it as ‘in life you each are travelling on a journey to reach specific goals, and although they may be different places on the mountain you can at least see each other to be able to support and encourage….right now you are climbing the mountain to reach those goals and your husband is at home reading the brochures with no intent of leaving the house as that is where he is content….so unless he is willing to leave the house to reach those goals there really is no future for the 2 of you.’ We parted on good terms and still talk as friends…..a year later I met a wonderful man who is loving, encouraging and supportive with similar goals and sense of adventure who even gives me that extra push forward. So as hard as it was to walk away from a relationship of 12 years and at the time it shattered my world because so much of who I was was “the other half” of him…I had to rediscover alot of who I was as just me. Good friends and family helped with love and support a few didn’t understand and gave grief on it but it was what was best for us both.
Hiya…I just wanted to offer my support and “I’m thinking of you”s during this time. I can’t even imagine how hard this would be to go through. It’s impossible to see what goes on inside a relationship from the outside. I’m praying for you too…for peace, continued wisdom and emotional strength and support from others. I know you’re stance on the existence of God and I don’t want to offend you by saying that stuff. It’s just the best way I know to care for another person that I don’t actually know. So yeah.
Success not necessarily being married – YES. it took my parents a good decade to unentwine themselves, partly because they were waiting for my sister to hit 18, but it was clear that it was inevitable and the best thing for everyone involved, eventually. Doesn’t mean it was easy, but my dad is now happily married to someone else, and I am so happy for him. The two remain friends and my dad still helps my mom a lot. in plenty of cases, success means learning to be apart yet stand together where it counts, and negotiating future interactions gracefully. Again, not easy, but you sound strong and ready. Go to it!
Your self is so important, and you’re really the only one responsible for taking care of it. I’m so impressed by your bravery and your strength.
I can’t say it any better than Jen….sisters are SO awesome during times like this…I’m happy you guys have each other!
You can do this, lady. Once you start “hearing” your self again, it will be much harder to go off course… I’m so very proud of you, Kath. Good, brave woman. xox
I think our silent anguish is often the loudest voice we hear. Stay strong
Kath- I get this so much- the privacy and the inner turmoil and now you are able to speak your piece. You will continue to amaze yourself and us I think
keep going.
“success doesn’t always mean the couple stays married”
You are brave and brilliant. I know how hard you have “worked”. But I also know how many times you have avoided and run. I see a strength in you I have never seen before. Ever. And I am so proud of you.
I have always stood up for my SELF and have often been known as a “selfish intransigent bitch”. Hold your head up high and know that those that matter, the one’s that love you, will respect and admire your strength and honesty.