It seems from reading most of these posts that most people have a very regimented approach to sleep. I always find it amazing that people can be such warm and loving parents during the day but then, once the sun goes down, everything changes. It is amazing that in Western culture we force our children to sleep alone in dark rooms and that seems to prove their “goodness”. Co-sleeping is the norm for nearly 90% of the world! We know that children need us during waking hours, doesn’t it make sense that they also need us at night?
It has only been in the last century that Western culture has adopted this independence/isolation theory of sleep. And, despite popular belief, other countries and cultures sleep with their children not out of a lack of space or resources but out of a belief in family and 24hr parenting. We would never force our children to “figure it out for themselves” during the day or put them in a scary situation and leave them in it. We would address it and comfort them when they are afraid. But somehow we have convinced ourselves that this is OK at night.
Despite the media’s attempts to bash co-sleeping, research shows that in countries that embrace the family bed SIDS and crib death are virtually unheard of. These are modern day, man-made tragedies. Babies NEED to be with their mother. It is not simply an emotional desire but a physical requirement.
Plus, once your children start to grow they will know when they are ready to venture out of the family bed. They will learn that they can trust themselves to take this step because you have nurtured them when they needed it.
The family bed is considered radical in Western culture but it has only been out of fashion for a short time. If we as mothers were encouraged to trust our instincts more we would surely know that having our babies close to us makes sense on many levels. If you encourage co-sleeping everyone sleeps better. Everyone is more relaxed and well rested the next day and your children know that you are there for them 24/7.
Still not convinced? Check out some of these articles and studies:
http://www.mothering.com/breastfeeding/breastfeeding-bedsharing-still-useful-and-important-after-all-these-years
http://thebabybond.com/Cosleeping&SIDSFactSheet.html (SIDS)
http://www.momaroo.com/721377862/co-sleepingbedsharing-the-research-speaks-for-itself/
http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/tami_breazeale.html
I know what people will say, “I can’t sleep with my child in my bed” or “they won’t learn to be independent”. Just like anything, if it is a priority to give your child what they truly need – you – it will work and you will actually end up sleeping better and so will they. As for independence, the best foundation for independence and confidence is a loving and secure foundation not pushing your child into something they are not ready for, or worse, afraid of.
Most children who co-sleep transition out of the family bed with some encouragement all on their own. My then 3 year-old left our bed and slept on a mattress beside our bed for a while (she decided she wanted to be a Big Girl) and then moved into her own room soon after. She still comes in occasionally if she has a bad dream or we will snuggle her to sleep when she needs it but, because she decides, it rarely happens. She knows we are there if she truly needs us but is also confident in her ability to sleep on her own because it was her choice.
I believe this applies to anything in parenting. We simply don’t trust ourselves enough anymore and our natural instincts. We read books by “Experts” but we are the expert of our own children and we rarely trust our guts. The cookie-cutter, one approach to parenting is simply silly. Just like adults, every baby or child is unique and should be treated as such. Our job is to meet their needs (by this I don’t mean WANTS but NEEDS) to create a solid, safe, loving foundation. A springboard on which they can leap to success and have a soft place to land when they fall.
Coaching and mentoring are all about leadership and taking action because coaching and mentoring make people develop their skills and abilities to the fullest.
I have a horrible back and bulging/herniated disc in my lower back, I found the best topper for my back of all places, at wal-mart. Its not as good as a mattress, but it helps. It’s memory foam stuff, although, like I said, not as great as the actual mattress. The memory foam helps though, I bought the thicker of the 2 toppers, I think its 4 or 5 inches thick.
“I always find it amazing that people can be such warm and loving parents during the day but then, once the sun goes down, everything changes.”
A lot of my parenting can be considered on the attachment side, especially as we added more children to our family. Statements like this completely fly in the face of everything attachment parenting means.
We co-slept, but get this, we co-slept the children that needed it. Not all of ours did!
Children are different.
Parents are different.
We’re all just trying to do our best.
Co-sleeping saved me! My daughter slept with us and at 1 week old, I was a first time Mom and wanted my daughter next to me. I was sleeping 6 hours every night. During the night she nursed, but all I had to do was wake briefly and latch her on in a side-lying position and then go back to bed. We allow her stay in our bed as long as she needs, and she is a smart, sweet, and very indepdent three year old, I love cuddling with her.
FreshnLocal – I am actually 100% sure that we made the right decision for us & our boys on sleep. The reason why I wrote to defend a different parenting choice is that the way you stated your original post was first implying that parents who don’t choose a family bed are not “warm & loving”, & second complaining about the family bed bashing, while at the same time, bashing parents who don’t choose a family bed. It’s just a tad bit hypocritical. By all means defend your own parenting choices. I think it is a wonderful thing that we live in a day-&-age when we have so many choices & resources available to us as parents. But your opinion tends to carry a tad bit more weight if you can do it without bashing the other choices.
As far as breastfeeding, I was merely using it as an example of one of the most heated arguments people have on parenting today. Not that anyone argues that breastfeeding isn’t best, but vilifying people for making either choice gets us nowhere & can cause many women undue stress during the already stressful time of raising small children.
As far as research & “facts” go, I again go back to what I said about “hazarding against blanket statements” because I am curious as to how a researcher determines that a newborn/infant/child is “more secure & attached” to a family-bed-parent vs. one that isn’t? How exactly is that measured?
Defending your own parenting choices by stating the possible benefits is one thing. Defending your own parenting choices by “bashing” the other choices is a totally different story.
Margot – I sense some serious defensiveness on your part. Maybe because you decided before your child was even born that you wouldn’t co-sleep that is why you were unable/unwilling? But you obviously have a strong emotional reaction which does make one wonder if you are truly OK with the decision you made.
I don’t think many people would argue that breast milk is best for your baby. Some feel bottle is close to as good, others feel more strongly that breast is superior but it would be hard to argue that they are equal or bottle is better. Research seems to show that the same is true for co-sleeping. It is not just my opinion, it is fact. There is less postpartum depression, SIDS is virtually unheard of, breastfeeding is more successful and children are more secure and attached.
Does that mean you are a bad parent if you don’t co-sleep? No. However, I think that instead of simply accepting modern day “experts” we need to reconsider and reevaluate how we raise our children at night. Even Ferber who was famous for years for the revolutionary “cry it out” approach changed his tune. Should we really be trusting these people when research and 90% of the world’s population and all of history show us differently? That’s all I am saying.
Yowza!! The idea that I (or anyone else who doesn’t co-sleep, which btw, by definition is a blanket term for any type of sleeping in the same room as your child. Bed-sharing or a “family-bed” really is a form of co-sleeping) am not a “warm & loving” parent because my children sleep in their own rooms, & have since several months old, is upsetting, to say the least. I was one of those who truly did not sleep well with a little one in the bed. My husband & I made a decision, before our first was born, that we didn’t want to have our kids sleep in our bed. Now obviously, your ideas about parenting change just a LITTLE bit once you actually HAVE your children, & we had nights when our first was in bed with me, but those times passed quickly & both of my boys are great to go to bed & great sleepers. Genetics? Probably. A little bit of parenting? Probably.
I hazard against blanket statements that not only imply that one type parenting (on any subject, but sleep & breastfeeding are the biggies) is THE way, but also that the other way is detrimental to children. You are sort of the pot calling the kettle black, as far as the “bashing” goes.
This article is very interesting but I think co-sleeping would have killed me. Both my children (now 14 and 11) slept in their own beds from the beginning. I am someone who needs my sleep and after a full day of parenting I just need some time to be alone and re energize. Having my own space at night makes me a better parents. Every parent needs a break.
I have co slept with my younger daughter many times and she is a thrasher. I never got any sleep on those nights.
When you have a newborn this is the ONLY way to survive and for your baby to thrive. Your baby needs you close. They need to learn how to nurse and sleep and BE. And you need to sleep. I’m telling all of you “experts” to bug off with all your advice.
Oh, and cuddling your sleeping child is always good. How could it not be?!
In this already sleep deprived society co sleeping would have killed me! I need my space to move or I dont rest. King sized bed for my Dh and I and I still sleep better after he leaves for work!
Granted the first few weeks I slept with my son (no Daddy allowed) just because I had a C section and it was hard to get in and out of bed every 2 hours for feeds, and I stayed in bed most of the time anyway.
Now little man is 7 years old. Good sleeper and none of this scared of the dark, boogeyman crap that some kids go through. He has friends his age that have to sleep with mom or a sibling still!
Annoyed with the reverse `bashing`of this article. Very presumptious to say Id sleep better with my kids – I TRUST my instinct to get the best sleep I can to function the next day. I never read all these parenting books, believed in common sense parenting from my first child – 22 years ago. Glad some of the other moms comments acknowledge what works for some doesnt work for all.
We also co-slept (sleep – working on the transition). At first it was all of us, twin girls and mommy and daddy. I couldn’t do the role over side latch because I had two and they were very small, I had to sit up and use a pillow. I still think I got more sleep co-sleeping than I would have otherwise. After about 18 months our king bed was too crowded and daddy moved to the girls’ room. Now, sometimes I start out with him and move to the big bed if they need me. They are starting to sleep until dawn on their own.
There is research that shows that a baby’s breathing is regulated by sleeping next to mom which may be why safe co-sleeping reduces SIDS rates. I’d post articles but my internet is too slow here at the cottage.
I do try not to judge, and I think that some babies do just fine on their own, every one is different, but I do have a hard time with cry it out, especially if it involves hours of crying and throwing up.
Here’s one link. http://www.naturalchild.org/james_mckenna/
Dr. Sears also discusses co-sleeping in his books and on the website.
Co-sleeping saved my sanity! My last baby (3rd child) slept with us and at 2 weeks old I was sleeping 8 hours every night. She would close her eyes at 10pm and not wake up until 6am. During the night she nursed, but all I had to do was wake briefly and latch her on in a side-lying position and then go back to bed. That infancy was by far the easiest of my three children, and I attribute that to co-sleeping.
We let her stay in our bed as long as she needed, and she is a very bright, indepdent, well adjusted 6 year old.
Co-sleeping saved my sanity! My last baby (3rd child) slept with us and at 2 weeks old I was sleeping 8 hours every night. She would close her eyes at 10pm and not wake up until 6am. During the night she nursed, but all I had to do was wake briefly and latch her on in a side-lying position and then go back to bed. That infancy was by far the easiest of my three children, and I attribute that to co-sleeping.
We let her stay in our bed as long as she needed, and she is a very bright, indepdent, well adjusted 6 year old.
Wow, FreshnLocal. Very interesting. And in many ways I really agree. I definitely did NOT trust my gut enough as a new parent and much of what I read in the early months with my first born did not suit my instinctive parenting style and caused me and my new family a lot of stress. I have definitely become more confident as a parent and found a mishmash of a number of styles and philosophies really work for us.
Although I am not a “co-sleeper” by definition, we have one child who really struggles with sleep and have always encouraged independence while understanding that this is something he may need more leeway with. He will still sometimes need to come into our bed in the night. We accept this but still continue to encourage independence (he is almost 11 after all!).
I also agree that every child is unique. My second child is a dream sleeper and I know that when she pushes back it is more a delay tactic than a real issue. On the rare occasion she needs extra help getting to sleep or has a nightmare, an exception is made but for the most part she is 100% on her own.
I also agree that a strong, secure and loving foundation is the key to confident and independent children. But I know that every family interprets this differently and I try to accept this without judgment. Parenting is hard and we need to understand that most people make decisions because they truly believe they are the right ones for their family.
Thanks so much for your perspective. I am thrilled to see people sharing their sleep stories here!