That quote is attributed to someone who’s handle was Daron Quinlan. An unschooling mom who was active on forums such as Mothering.com.I read it on this Teacher Tom post.
This is serendipitous because I was already inspired to write about this issue by Elizabeth Pantley’s Facebook updates:
“When we think of kids as creatures to be trained, we use whatever manipulation we can think of to get them to do…whatever. But we miss out on the truest joy of parenting. When we approach kids as human beings capable of decisions and thoughts we get to experience a true relationship with them. That means, sometimes, we get to learn from them.” ~ Hal Runkel
Giving choices encourages cooperation. So, instead of saying, ‘Get ready for bed – right now!’ try this, ‘What do you want to do first, put on your pajamas or brush your teeth?’ ~ The No-Cry Discipline Solution
This is Hard! I try, OH, I try. It’s a journey isn’t it?
I resort to bribes and punishments out of frustration sometimes. Sometimes I manipulate my children. I’m working hard on changing that by discussing what I need and what I think is best.
I am like this as a teacher also. I don’t think my job is to force children to listen to me and do what I say. Even if I could (and I can sometimes but not always) I wouldn’t want to. Don’t we want children, and all people really, to be intrinsically motivated? Yes fear is a motivator. Rewards can be motivators, as can punishments, but they are short-sighted, short-term solutions. Band-aids if you will.
Teacher Tom writes about the grown up who was always motivated by fear and being obedient. She grows up a follower, she toes the line; gets a repetitive rather than innovative job. When she finds herself in a position of power she abuses it by behaving it like a tyrant.If we want our children to grow up knowing that they are responsible for their own actions and happiness then we need to teach them that. Demanding obedience only teaches them that someone else is responsible for their actions – the person dictating them.
I try to make my classrooms as democratic as possible. We discuss acceptable classroom behaviour that is respectful to everyone. I have tried to use the Tribes program. I ask for input for units and let them choose assignments as often as possible. I’m not where I want I want to be yet. I am a work in progress, as are all humans.
This system did backfire on me a bit last year. I had a few grade 8s who did not respect me because they needed me to be more firm. That was tough. My grade 7s did great with the democratic way as do most younger grades.
At home, we discuss and negotiate. There are no stead fast rules. We talk about manners, being kind, etc. Do my kids behave perfectly. No. Do I, all the time? No. Does anyone, I think probably not. We are learning together.
We do have routines, which I think are important, they’re flexible though.
I’m not writing this to tell anyone how to parent or teach, I just want to open a dialogue.What do you think?
Julie,
It’s interesting that you use the word boundaries because I’ve been struggling with them. I need to be better at them, I’m improving but still learning. Makes me rethink this post a bit. Hmmm
yes…yes i do! i’m really tired of hearing “don’t say no to your kids” as if “no” is a bad word. can i jump into a ditch filled with sewage? NO! no can be a safety word, no can be a boundary word and no isn’t necessarily a ‘bad’ word.
the one example that grinds on my nerves is a barbara coloroso one on how not to say no…it’s 5 minutes before dinner, “mommy, can i have a cookie?” instead of saying no, say…”yes, you can! but after dinner”. i call b*llsh#t…no you cannot have a cookie because it is an inappropriate time for one. i stopped reading that book soon after.
i think if you can really establish boundaries with a democracy like you did it can be fantastic! i think you worked really hard on that and it looks like it turned out great except for that minor bump. i have found that most people who embrace the “never say no” philosophy also embrace the “let them run the house” philosophy which i cannot tolerate.
i guess i don’t want mindless obedience as suggested by zinn as i give reasons as to why something can or cannot happen. even if it’s an “i don’t want to do that” or, maybe i just need to lighten up a bit! 🙂