I love this guy’s Freakin’ Blog! Teacher Tom. He’s a pre-school teacher and a dad and his writing move me. Always.
His teaching, and I suspect, parenting, philosophy embodies all that I want to be as a parent and teacher.
This post brought tears to my eyes. It resonated with me….for me and for my children.
As adults who work with young children, one of our primary roles is to serve as guides to these humans who are just beginning to explore the idea of “self.” We’ve already had decades to sort out our own ideas about who we are and how we stand in relation to those around us. We’ve already picked (or had picked for us) the labels that apply. And some of us, in turn, have picked the therapist who is going to help change those labels (or learn to accept them). We’ve lived through our own personal phases and crazes. We know there are more to come. I can imagine that there are some of us, a rare breed indeed, who have come to view that thing we call our self as more or less fixed, but most know, probably even hope, that a new and improved self is in our future, one that includes the better part of every age we’ve ever been.
He goes on to write about how what we see as our self is a seed planted at birth and continues to evolve in relation to others. We hold on to this view that there is a “natural” self, a self that we want to be, and we want our children to be, without being influenced by others.
And then he finishes up with this:
But we’re already too late. From the moment of birth until the day we die, our self is shaped by the people around us, for better or worse. In fact, I doubt that self even exists beyond the context of others and our relationships with them. No matter how experienced we are in the world, we continue donning costumes and assuming attitudes, and no matter how firmly we assert “I don’t care what anyone thinks,” we really do: we really must. It’s how we discover who we are. I’ve come to understand self not as something I am or something I become, but rather something I learn. And it’s only something that can be understood through the other people.Without the other people I don’t exist. My self is the gift they give me.
Wow.
I am reminded of my favourite university course. It was in fourth year and it was very unconventional. Our first assignment was to go to a public space and observe what was happening around us and then write about it without using the ver “to be”. It was a difficult assignment. Our whole conception of the world evolves our concept of self and other.
My mind is percolating with concoctions to Tom’s post. I can make connections to racism, sexism, homophobia, , violence and war. By viewing the other as “evil”, read scary, we define ourselves and our actions reflect that. It’s the same in the school yard. A child who is somehow different than the others is often picked on and or isolated. Imagine how that child’s sense of self is affected by that. I think we can all imagine this as we think back to our own school experiences and how our interactions with our peers and teachers shaped our identities over time. For better or worse.
Of course as parents we have the most influence and I hope to the Goddess (if there is one) that I’m helping my girls develop resilience so they can ward off negative experiences with others.
I worry though, because I was so heavily influenced by what my peers thought from a very young age. I was also very influenced by the media.
I also wonder about my girls. How does and identical twin develop their sense of self in the context of the other. The other looks the same. Lives in the same environment. Oddly, for me, I haven’t really researched this yet. Time to start if I am to help them work through it (if they need help).
I’d love to hear your reflections on this. Do you think your sense of self was developed in relation to others? How did you deal with the negative impact of that? Does anyone have insight about identical twins and identity?
Hi there and great question.
I am sorry I have no insights into twins yet I do With respect to large families. Being the youngest of 8, I had an interesting upbringing. And since my father retired relatively early I also had a different parenting then some of those siblings ahead of me. I don’t think I would have given it a second thought if there was not a major riff that occurred when I was 41.
Each of my siblings were given expected roles to play as well as labels based on our actions. Some rebelled and some fell in line. I wish there was a direct correlation between those two and success yet I do not see it. What i do see is the fact we can all change if we have the desire, awareness, or pain to propel us. by understanding that we are all connected and affect each other it is necessary to set the stage, to the best of our abilities, for good relationships. Sometimes the only option is retreat yet think positive thoughts. Be open to the change in others, often those closest to ourselves are the last to see that change. We all have good and bad within us, be aware, be grateful, and most of all practice positive self talk give praise every day. Don’t let a complement be wasted.
We all want the same things, we are all connected, we are all looking for our place in the sun..
Wow – love teacher Toms first paragraph there…I can relate.
I do think my own sense of self was tied very closely into my moms when I was younger and then absolutely to the people I was with in high school and university. I’m not sure I knew my true self until I lost my mom and could no longer depend on her, and recognized that it’s what I think of myself that matters, not what the people around me think.