I’ve been thinking about this idea for a looooong time. What makes us confident or not? What makes us resilient? How can we live up to our potential? Why are some of us happier than others and how can we change that? How can we rise above stereotypes that harm us? Why are some of us more successful at school or work? Why do some people become addicted to alcohol or drugs while others don’t?
So many questions. And a few answers.
Since this is a huge topic, think a book or a series of books, I’m going to write a series of posts over the next while. I don’t really have a schedule planned but I’ll write them when I feel driven to.
I’m not an expert on any of these topics. But, I’ve been reading a lot. In the past few months I’ve read:
The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brene Brown.
The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin
The Ultimate Happiness Prescription, by Deepak Chopra
Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, by Carol Dweck
Nurture Shock: New Thinking About Children, by Po Bronson & Ashley Merryma
When Things Fall Apart & Start Where You Are, by Pema Chodron
Why am I reading these book?
Two reasons:
- I haven’t been that happy and I’ve been trying to change that (successfully, finally).
- I want to help my girls grow up to be self-confident and happy. I want the same for my students.
I have not seen the film but I get the idea. It’s about the portrayal of women in the media.
Sara posted a Sesame Street video which is a song about girls becoming “The Best Me”, changing the world and being whatever they want to be when they grow up. It’s a great video. But, there’s always a but, it’s not enough. I grew up with that message. From Sesame Street, from Marlo Thomas and the “Free to Be You and Me” album, from my parents, even from many teachers.
Did I work to be the Best Me? No. At least not until I reached my 30s, and even then, I didn’t manage to direct my efforts towards my passion (other than my children).
I do think that the media REALLY influenced my insecurities about my looks. But that’s it. The other issues such as lack of confidence, self-doubt, extreme self-judgement, never being “good enough”…. where the F did that come from?
I think I have an idea. My idea has come from the book Mindset. Mindset is about how people are one of, or a combination of, two mindsets. A fixed mindset or a growth mindset. People with a fixed mindset think that intelligence and other traits are fixed. You’re smart or you’re not. You’re artistic or you’re not. Fixed mindset people shy away from challenge and hard work because if they can’t do it, it means they’re stupid. Or talentless. Fixed mindset people take criticism personally and place blame elsewhere because they think that if they fail at something that they ARE a failure.
Contrast that with the growth mindset. People with a growth mindset think that intelligence and other traits can be grown with work. When they experience failure they see it as an opportunity for growth. They take criticism for what it is, a way to change for the better. To hone their skills and talents. They work hard and embrace challenge. I’ve simplified the theory and I highly recommend you read the book to get the bigger picture of it all.
And now back to me (as my friend Dale titled his 30th b-day CD).
I think I had a fixed mindset for most of my life. Why? Well, I’m not sure yet but I have a theory. I was smart. I knew it. Maybe my parents told me that all the time, I don’t remember really. I thought that I should be able to do anything without a lot of effort. And I could, at first. School was easy and boring. I learned pretty young that I didn’t really have to do much.
As I got older I had developed the non work habit. I managed to get through high school with minimal effort. But, I was afraid of failure and challenge. I took criticism personally and felt bad about myself instead of changing something to improve. I blamed others and circumstance for my failures. I didn’t try.
In University I was a bit better. I worked a bit harder. I got Bs. That was OK, but I could have done much better and maybe found my passion if I had worked harder. I was very busy socializing and partying. And I worked during Uni.
So, maybe it was my mindset? At least partially. There are other factors of course, there always are. I really didn’t want to be too reflective. It’s scary.
But now I know that I love to research and write about my research. I know I only write on a blog. And I have minimal time for research and synthesizing information. But, I love it. I research everything. To death.
If I had I focused in University and developed a growth mindset maybe I would have gone on to graduate school. There’s no use crying over spilt milk though and I’ve had lots of amazing experiences with the path that I chose. I can still change my path.
See how my mindset has changed?
Sort of. I’m sitting here thinking, “Am I too analytical? Does this make sense?” Change takes time.
That’s the thing about mindsets, they can be changed. Our brains are very plastic. We CAN change.
What do you think? Do you have a fixed or growth mindset? Has it changed over time?
Next up, (I think) is how to overcome stereotypes (of women, African Canadians, Muslims, etc) and how mindset plays a role.
Further topics: Bullying, helping children develop a growth mindset, and more.
I doing this so I don’t forget! 😀
Here I am, then & now.
Check out my awesome 70s outfit. It rocked!
On our way back from Centre Ville this past summer.
I can really relate to the fixed mindset, Erin. I think I was there until my 20s when I met someone who really inspired me to look at life and myself differently. It has taken a lot of work and sometimes I still see things as very black and white but I think I have definitely been successful in implementing the growth mindset. And hopefully modeling this for my children.
I think there is even more to this when you add in the “I’m smart and don’t have to try hard” component as that was the same for me. I wonder how this contributes? Do we expect everything to come easily and don’t bother if it doesn’t? I know I always felt super self-conscious if I wasn’t one of the best at something.
I am happy to see my kids participating in all sorts of activities, mostly things they are good at because these are what we are drawn to but way more than I did as a child. Ultimately, the goal is to be happy and content. How can we help get them there?
excellent post, erin
love the stuff on fixed and growth mindset- FIXED mindset scares the poop out of me. Do not embrace it. xoxo
Whoa….WHOA – god this makes so much sense to me. SO much Erin. I’m a totally fixed mind-set and like you, I’m altering that. A few years ago – I would never have considered being a ‘writer’ or calling myself that. I just applied for another part-time job and in the interview they said ‘we love your writing’. I would have fluffed that off before but I said back ‘thanks I really love to write and I think I’m on to something.’ I’m fascinated by this fixed and growth mindset. great post!
I think you are totally on to something here. It all comes back to if we choose to believe it, we make it happen. I am looking forward to you sharing more of your insight!!