In addition to writing and blogging, I’ve also been teaching writing to postgraduate students at a local college.
Apparently it’s not my calling.
My students didn’t like my slide shows. They didn’t like how I taught or what I taught. Some claimed I taught them nothing. Apparently I’m awful and they don’t even like the sound of my voice. It’s too high pitched, one student told me, in addition to a barrage of other insults. So recently, at the end of the very last class, I said, “Thank you and good luck,” and I left. I couldn’t bear to speak to them in my high-pitched voice, to defend my slides, to have them laugh at me no matter what I said. The only thing I could do was leave.
The sound of the ring leader’s “Bahaaaaaa” witch laugh echoed down the hall as I walked it one final time.
I’ve spent the last several weeks—wait, scratch that—my entire life, caring what other people think. I’ve been taking things personally. Being sensitive. Agonizing over what went wrong and what I could have done differently so to make everyone like me.
It was true of my marriage, too. I blamed myself; wondered what was wrong with me that helped bring about the end. I did everything I could to improve myself in the aftermath. Therapy. Exercise. Diet. Clothes. I changed it all. But after this latest Bahaaaa incident, I’ve done some soul searching. I’ve sought advice from people whom I love and trust. What I’ve realized is the following:
- Not everyone can or will like you.
- You will not like a lot of other people either.
- It’s nobody’s fault; it just is.
- There’s no point making yourself sick over things you can’t control.
- Sometimes – lots of times – it’s not you, it’s them. You can’t blame yourself.
- The only people whose opinions you should care about are your closest circle of friends and your family. Nobody else matters.
I know that this is easier said than done. I’m trying to take my own advice to heart. Here are a few things that have helped me feel good about myself when other people put me down:
- I do things for other people. I will bring flowers to a friend or drop off something I’ve baked at their house. I will pick up their kids and help out even if it’s not convenient for me just because I enjoy feeling like I helped.
- I exercise. Especially when I’m angry or frustrated, there is nothing like a good workout to boost endorphins and exhaust my body as physically as I exhaust myself mentally. Somehow a good spin class makes me better able to cope with everything else.
- I cuddle with my kids. I love their soft skin and hair that smells like baby shampoo. I love their warm bodies, their chubby hands around my neck. I will tell them I love them and they will tell me that they love me “super super super super much.” It is completely genuine and unconditional. The rest of the world melts away.
- I call my best friends, my boyfriend, my mom or sister and secretly delight in hearing their reassuring words. “Good for you for leaving that class. That student sounds like a loser anyway. Screw her!”
I have realized that if I try my best every day to be a good person, if I focus on the people and things that really matter, I will always have the last laugh. Even if it is high pitched. Bahaaaaa!
I want to preface this comment by saying that I am one of Erin’s students from this past term but I’m uncomfortable identifying myself publicly online because some people in the program are so vicious.
I will say that our writing class was not the most well-structured or organized. And yes, there was room for improvement. Though a part of the blame can be attributed to the sheer number of students who did not attend on a regular basis. How could they get anything out of a course they did not attend? That being said, I would say set aside maybe five or ten percent of the grade for small daily assignments. For practice and to encourage attendance.
However, the flexibility to change things up, especially in regards to the final assignment was much appreciated by most of my section. I’m speaking for my section because I don’t know anyone in the other sections. The classes don’t really mix. There are some of us who are missing you terribly this term.
Erin, you were very easy to approach, open to helping us and there is absolutely nothing wrong with your voice. At all. I didn’t realize our program’s students had extended their nastiness to you personally until someone told me about this blog post. And though I can’t be responsible for 2 (3?) entire classes-worth of people, I would still like to apologize for your negative teaching experience.
It was somewhat frustrating not to get what they expected out of the course and the sheer number of classes and intensity of the programming can explain some grumpiness but the utter meanness and lack of respect shown by many of my fellow students is inexcusable. All students complain to each other about class but that was crossing a line. Everyone deserves respect and I am SO disappointed that you didn’t get that. Even from a purely selfish point of view, they should realize that we got some GREAT portfolio pieces out of that class!
I would reccomend working with another instructor to refine your teaching style and curriculum and returning really soon. And PLEASE work out the weighting of assignments at the beginning of term next time!
But please, please, please don’t let a few people wreck it for you. I really loved your openess to helping us, your friendliness and your enthusiasm. There are so many things I value from that class and from you. I would hate for you to lose those excellent parts of yourself because of a few really mean students.
well said, thanks