I need help. Sophie has been having daily tantrums for weeks now.
It is almost always in the evening, around dinner time. They start the same way. She wants my attention and she asks me for something. Somehow, in her mind, I never understand what it it she wants. To be fair to myself, she often uses their version of baby talk (omitting the consonant sounds). This is how it goes.
“You never listen to me!”, loud crying.
“I’m trying, please use your words to explain what you need”, calm voice (usually – but sometimes I know I have an annoyed voice).
“You don’t love me, I’m going to cry forever”, high pitched screaming.
I continue to soothe her and hug her, she keeps screaming.
This happens at bedtime too. Sigh.
I know that Fiona has been more demanding of attention since birth so I feel like some of this is related to being a twin. Not all of though. She is tired. Daylight saving time makes bedtime later than in the winter. Full day JK is tiring. I’ve been stressed and she probably picks up on that.
The other night during her bedtime tantrum, which subsided into whimpers, she kept talking about how I don’t love her, she doesn’t love me and she is going to leave.
Last night I put her in my Mei Tai asian back carrier and that calmed her down, until bedtime that it.
I know it’s about attention, she want my undivided attention and she knows she’ll get it with the tantrum. She is really feeling these emotions though so I think that withdrawing attention would be the wrong move here.
Any suggestions?
I’m so sorry that the rental deal fell through. Will you keep trying?
Karen
Thank you all for the great strategies.
Thank goodness summer is coming soon so I can spend more time on this. I’ve been very distracted lately. My dad, and all that has to be done around his estate and his home. Report cards are due. I was so hoping to move and so disappointed when the renter backed out. So, yes, my stress is a factor. And I’ve been somewhat emotionally distant I think. Time to change.
I definitely don’t want to just leave her (which I did yesterday for awhile) but nor do I want her to develop tantrums as a way to get attention. I’ve read “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen,…” but I need a refresher. Also, a refresher on Playful Parenting. The book Sheila recommends sounds really good too.
She doesn’t have as many tantrums on the weekend. That’s when I’m around all day. I make sure they have ample snacks. School might be a stressor too, it is hard to say. I feel so removed from her school (although I used to work there), because I’m out of town all day. I will talk to her this weekend about it. Really, I only see her from 5-8 so I’m not there in the calm times, she often starts very shortly after I get home.
I’ll make myself a plan for moving forward.
Thanks again.
I always whispered when they would scream and they had to get quiet to hear me. Walking away quietly also worked a bit.
but mainly growing up helped- my youngest had EPIC tantrums and I cried a bit every day for 18 months because she was trying to kill me.
after 4.5 years of age she became strong easy instead of strong hard and we have never looked back.
I find that giving them any kind of attention while having a tantrum gives them the wrong Idea. I would wait till she is done her tantrum and then explain to her that you do love her and that she can’t always get everything.
With my little one I completely ignore is tantrums and him while he is having them and let him calm himself down. Once he is calm I tell him okay now we can talk about what you want. He now barely has tantrums at all cause he realizes that he will get what he wants a lot faster by just talking to me.
keep calm, I know it’s hard but if they see you frustrated it’s almost like they are getting what they want.
Vanessa
Oh poor kid and poor mama – that sounds hard.
I agree it is probably a combination of being tired, hungry and picking up on stress and the effect that can have on our connections with our little ones.
And they don’t call the hour before dinner the witching hour for nothing. The tantrums are a symptom so I don’t know that I would start there. Instead I wonder about doing some proactive work around this?
Are there things she loves that you can capitalize on – Maybe during the day you draw in a picture journal where you draw something for her to colour or to add to and she works on it while you prep dinner and she leaves it for you to find at bedtime?
Or can you give her a specific job to connect with you while you keep the nightly routine moving (ie she always does the lettuce for the salad and chooses which napkins to use)?
Can you do “tea time” when you get home before starting dinner where you share glads and sads and some cheese and crackers so she gets a chance to fill her tank nutritionally and emotionally? A talking stick can help with the idea of giving each of them some undivided attention.
Does she have a special lovey that comes from you or can you make her one? You probably read Soulemama – have you seen her stuffed heart? I love the idea of the pocket for love notes. Simple notes or drawings can help keep her feeling connected to you. One on one stories, individual special kisses, giving stories to dream about before sleep, love spray (water w essential oils), scented rice warming packs are all things I have used to help my kids transition to sleep – but to be honest we has a family bed for years and it was one of the best strategies for staying connected.
As for the tantrum, I think heading it off at the pass is the best strategy if possible. I taught my kids a code so that they could get my attention without a tantrum. They were different for each kid depending on their needs and ability to communicate. During calm times we’d talk about and practise the code so they could see I would give them some undivided attention and also understand that there was a logistical limit for that focused time but that it didn’t mean we weren’t connected. When she comes to ask you something at “that time” can you make a bit of a big deal – say something like “let me turn off the stove and come closer so I can hear what you have to say” and use some physical contact (ie pick her up so you are eye to eye) so you can really hear her. Sometimes just the act of feeling heard and the physical contact would be enough for my kids.
Another family I know had a cuddle chair and the kids could ask for 5 minutes in the cuddle chair as a way to connect. The mom would sing some special songs they had made up which in the kids could fill in the blanks about how they felt. (something like “I’m sitting on mama’s lap and I feel…… and I need……) I thought it was a brilliant way to teach the kids how to identify their feelings, ask for what they needed and learn techniques to self soothe.
As draining as it is I think you just need to parent them through this stage and phase in your lives as gently as possible and I agree that you should trust your instincts to connect rather than disconnect. You are all processing a lot and it is bound to come out in unexpected and “big” ways, especially for little people. Keeping your tank filled so you can respond from a healthy place is important but oh so hard with all that is going on in your life.
take care of yourself.
Karen
Hang in there, Erin! That sounds really hard, so I hope you can find a way to change the routine and avoid most of these meltdowns.
Since you’ve identified a pattern, try some “preventive maintenance”.
– Talk to her in the morning or afternoon when she’s fine, and let her know you don’t like this pattern and want to make some changes, to help her be happier in the evenings. Talk about how you’ll respond the next time she “loses it” like that, and what you’d like her to do.
– Can she talk about how she feels when she screams, and can you help her find the words – is she angry, scared, tired? What does she think would help her to feel better? She might have some good ideas.
– Give her some one on one attention and loving earlier in the day, to fill up her tank so she won’t run out of gas later on – and point it out to her when you’re doing it.
– Detective work: Take a good look at what’s happening with her sleep and her diet. Is there a simple physical reason she feels awful or exhausted at this time of day? Does she need an extra hour of sleep and she’s not getting it? Try black-out drapes if it’s too light in the morning or evening. Could it be low blood sugar? Try a more substantial afternoon snack to help her make it to supper time, and/or move supper time a bit earlier. Is she reacting to some food that she eats at lunch or after school?
– Is there something going on at school that is very stressful or demanding for her, so she tries super-hard to control herself all day, and then needs to vent at home? (classic behaviour that probably all kids do to some extent.) A talk with her teacher might be helpful, or maybe Sophie will give you some clues.
– Is any of this related to your dad’s death? Could she be scared that you will abandon her, so she’s testing your love and commitment? You said it started a while ago though, so maybe it’s more to do with Sophie’s developmental stage and her needs.
– Think carefully about your response to her needs when she starts screaming. Is it reasonable for her to require you to drop everything and hold her for an extended time in the evening? Sure, soothe and hug and reassure her, but maybe set a timer for 5 minutes of that, and then you might need to continue with your tasks at hand, and she needs to do some self-calming. Plan with her some calming things she can do herself, and tell her she’ll get another cuddle and quiet talk when she’s settled down.
Hope some of this helps – feel free to ignore anything that doesn’t fit your parenting style of course.
I like the classic books by Faber and Mazlish, How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and listen so kids will talk, and also Siblings without Rivalry (Ha! that’s never going to happen – but there are some very helpful things to think about and strategies to try.) Also this book review sounds terrific: Stop Reacting and Start Responding, by Sharon Silver.
http://www.askmoxie.org/2011/02/book-review-stop-reacting-and-start-responding-by-sharon-silver.html The philosophy is “Setting boundaries in a firm and loving way gives your child the tools to be successful and frees you up to just love them unconditionally.” Sounds good to me.
Good luck!
You likely won’t like my advice but I have no patience or tolerance for tantrums. I walk away from Eva when she behaves that way. No hugs or comforting for tantrums.
I was having some pretty significant behaviour issues with Cuyler last fall and read 1-2-3 Magic on the recommendation of another mom. It didn’t work AT ALL for him but works magnificently with Eva.
I totally agree with DesiValentine – “I don’t want to provide immediate rewards for tantrum behaviours”
Eva did this last night during bedtime. Freaked out said she needed me to stay with her. I gave her extra time. We had some extra cuddles and each time I went to leave she would start to cry harder.
This was a habit I did not care to get into with her so I gave her a big cuddle and some kisses, told her I loved her and that I would be back up to give her another kiss before I went to bed. She cried for less than 10 minutes and was out cold.
Tonight – we read some stories, sang some songs, hugs & kisses and no tears.
I would say try something different – you say you continue to soothe her and hug her but she keeps screaming. I wouldn’t soothe and comfort until she can calm down.
That’s just me though.
All the other pics were babies or toddlers, and maybe I wish for that hair.
My five-year-old does this when she’s working through a growth-spurt. I send her for a nap in the early afternoon when I can. She does get to bed later as a result, but listening to her play quietly in her bed for an extra half an hour at night is so much less stressful than dealing with the three-headed monster. Also, I find fifteen or twenty minutes just for her during the day, for whatever she wants to do just with me. The only thing is, it’s always the next day for us. So, if she has bad day today, we’ll have some quiet time together and she’ll have a nap tomorrow. It’s partly because I find it difficult to find that time last-minute, and partly because I don’t want to provide immediate rewards for tantrum behaviours. We talk about tomorrow after she’s cooled off.
It’s rough when it goes on, though, wow. I don’t even know how many times I’ve said “Honey, it’s okay to be mad and sad, but it’s not okay to behave this way,” while rocking with my little banshee. Hang in there!
Heh. I noticed the same thing about the pic…
okay i had to check whose blog I was reading….because Tracey the little girl in the picture made me think of your gorgeous girl…you know pocessed by satan.
I like tracey’s idea of a bit of time to themselves…ugh – it’s SO hard. They for sure pick up on your stress. I know both Will and I have been horrid the last two weeks…and now I’m feeling better (thank you med dosage upped) and he’s been way better as well.
monkeys – i feel for you.
Maybe you can find a way to engage her with something for just the two of you (I know, I know) even for 5 or 10 minutes before, say, dinnertime or whatever, long before she starts getting upset… maybe ask her what she would like to do, or ask her to draw you something specific. If she still starts melting later, you can try to remind her about the time you JUST spent with her…
You’re probably right about fatigue being a factor, and also that she’s picking up on your stress. I feel for you, lady. Hang in there. xox