A major theme around here lately seems to be Love, Marriage, Sex & Infidelity.
Coincidentally, I’ve noticed some facebook links to some of John Gottman’s videos on YouTube.
Serendipity you say? Likely so.
Dr. John Gottman is a well respected PhD. psychologist who has been researching marriage for years. His work has been included in Malcolm Gladwell’s (LOVE, LOVE, LOVE him!) “Blink”, and the television show “The Human Face”. Gottman talks about the “Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse”, which often predict the end of marriages:
- Criticism. Criticism is not a critique or a complaint. It is attacking one’s partner at his/her core. For example, “I was worried when you didn’t call me when you were going to be late” is a complaint, whereas “You never think about how your actions will affect others, you’re selfish”, is a criticism.
- Contempt. Contempt is being mean to your partner through words or actions. It includes making fun of him/her, eye-rolling, name-calling and using humour like sarcasm to insult him/her.
- Defensiveness. Defending your actions that hurt your partner rather than listening to what he/she is saying. “Did you cancel Joey’s dentist appointment for tomorrow?”. “No I was too busy at work, I didn’t have time, in fact, you know how busy I am, why didn’t you do it?” This is defending ones inaction and then turning the blame around and placing it on the partner.
- Stonewalling. Avoiding conflict or issues through avoidance.
According to Gottman, if you are your partner are frequently behaving this way then you need to get some help to turn your marriage around. I find his research fascinating. He used 3000 couples in his first study and is now undertaking a study involving 10 000 couples. He has several books about how to maintain a healthy marriage, you can find some of his tips and a dissenting view about his theory here.
Now I’m not sure if a book or a psychologist can save a marriage, but they may be able to help a couple communicate more effectively. There sure are a lot of people who make a lot of money in this business, are you listening Dr. Phil? No I’m not playing the blame game at all Phil, in fact, you’re the one who’s blaming me for my own problems, you’ve got a lot of nerve buster.
Oh, sorry, I’ll get back on track folks.
As I’m obsessed with parenting books and information regarding raising my children well, and teaching well, I found Gottman’s points about marriages and the emotional intelligence of children to be most interesting. Here is a short clip of part of a presentation Gottman gave on emotional intelligence and marriage.
This ties in with my post “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing“. It’s about treating one another with lovingkindness. Always. No matter how we are feeling or how angry we are. We are always modeling for children with our behaviour.
Treating our spouses with lovingkindness includes sharing our hopes and dreams, confronting issues directly as they arise, being respectful while still respecting your own boundaries. It also includes ending the relationship honestly if it’s not working out, not escaping through infidelity.
I don’t want to get preachy here, I want to know what you think. Is this all a bunch of hooey? Or do you think Gottman is on the right track?
Candace & Karen, I totally agree with both of you. As you have both stated so eloquently, we do need to judge actions. We have to have some sort of moral compass, me thinks. I’ll have to check out Gottman’s book on raising emotionally intelligent children. Karen, it sounds like you’re doing a great job at it.
I agree with Candace.
Judgement of actions isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It helps us clarify our ethics, teach our children right from wrong so they can set healthy boundaries, uphold community standards or push for more respectful ones. I think making judgements of a certain kind is a healthy thing. I want my kids to learn how to make judgements that can help them assess someone’s character, set healthy boundaries, judge their own actions and adjust/amend accordingly.
I admit to being a bit baffled by the idea that we should have discussions about ethical issues without acknowledging that inherent in the ability to discuss these issues there is a personal right and wrong that can only come from making a judgement about a situation. Perhaps the confusion comes from not believing we can judge the actions of others without being compassionate to their struggle at the same time. I also believe that sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do for someone we care about is to say “hey what you are doing is wrong. It’s not reflective of who you are or want to be. I believe you can make better choices. How can I help you get back on the right path?” I say a version of it to my kids when they are unkind and I would say exactly the same thing to a friend who was fooling around.
I love Gottman’s work and have been very influenced by it in my parenting. One of the things I hope to give my kids is a solid understanding of their own emotions and the skills to resolve conflict so that they can have healthy relationships. His book about raising emotionally intelligent children was one I read as a new parent and I love the ideas I found there. I come from a very fractured family, with parents who were not in a good place to nuture their children and as a result of some of the things I learned in reading about emotional intelligence, I am in awe of my kids and how incredibly intune they are with their feelings and needs and the feelings of others around them.
I also agree with Vicki above that gratitude and appreciation go along way in helping us stay connected with our partners and our children (and I believe Gottman goes into that in one of the videos linked to the one above.)
I’m extremely lucky. My partner and I are closing in on our 20th anniversary and he is my best friend, my rock, my love and the best Dad I could wish for my children. He makes me laugh like no one else can. Not a day goes by that I don’t feel blessed to have him at my side. I don’t feel like our relationship takes work but I do acknowledge that it is tended to by both of us all the time – in the same way that I tend my relationships with my kids – it’s an automatic thing because those relationships are of such value to me.
very good stuff Erin. Thank you for it.
I agree with Erin. There are so many comments about not making a judgement on this site. Yet, those of us who judge are not writing off the person (at least, not most of us)–we’re critical of the behavior and actions of the person.
I believe that good people do bad things. In fact, I believe that most people who have affairs are appalled to find themselves in that situation. Yet, it is not a situation that “just happens.” On some level, they chose to silence or ignore internal misgivings and proceed into a dangerous situation where they knew they should not have gone, because they wanted to. They can choose to rationalize and justify this with many reasons before and after the fact, some of which we may be sympathetic to, but the fact is it is still a selfish choice. There are more empowering and constructive actions available for someone who is floundering personally in their marriage than sustained deceit.
The damage this deceitful action causes to a spouse’s and child’s sense of self-esteem, perception of reality, and ability to trust, is often irreparable. So yes, I think we can judge the actions the person takes.
Yes, the golden rule, so simple, yet somehow not.
Yes Kath, Gottman has some great ideas but they certainly don’t apply to every one or every marriage. I hope you watched or read more of his videos because he does go on to discuss helping children to work through their feelings and heal.
Wise works Vickie. I’ve been working on the acceptance part also. Sometimes it’s very hard, but it does help.
I think respect is very important, and acknowledgment/appreciation helps, too. it all comes back to the golden rule, doesn’t it?
I have a lot of respect for Gottman and his research. The video above especially resonated with me, because I am living the effects of it with my own daughters. I deeply regret that we were not very good at sheltering the children from our conflict.
I think it’s impotant to note, though, that not EVERY marriage can be improved by following Gottman’s (or anyone’s) principles. In some cases, (as your dissenting viewpoint shows, Erin) the relationship problems can be caused by psychopathology in the individual partners. Sometimes that psychopathology can be addressed effectively and soon enough to save the marriage, other times, it can’t.
I don’t usually reply from work but I saw the comments on my iPhone. I’ll comment to all later but right now I want to ask you, Jen, do we ever judge someone’s actions? I down with not being overly judgemental, but I think there is a time when judgements need to be made. Expecially when the consequences affect the innocent, children in particular, but spouses also. Certainly people should be able to atone for their mistakes but…. Do you know what I mean?
So so interesting Erin! A friend and I were recently talking about someone we know and meanness to their spouse – this rings so true. I cringe at things like that – respect is so key.
Great post, Erin. I think every relationship boils down to respect and acceptance. However, I do know that sometimes, despite one’s best intentions, when things are bad it is hard to see the forest for the trees. I don’t feel I can sit in judgment of someone who made bad choices when things were rough. We can only strive to do better.
These are fabulous guidelines and a great reminder.
I’m in the middle of reading “Blink” right now, though I knew of Gottman before picking it up… fascinating stuff! I think as it pertains to marriage, one has to be the kind of partner one wants. If you want a kind partner, you have to be kind. (Though, I don’t think it’s an automatic thing – some people are just cruel, and the partnership is just unbalanced, or badly matched.) As for kid… couples should avoid quarrelling in front of them – period. That doesn’t guarantee a perfect child either, but it’s never a good thing to do, in amy respect.
Good post, Erin!
Really good post. I had read about Gottman in Blink as well, but I forgot about him. He has some great points. I think he’s right.
I think the hardest thing is that when you get in a rut as a couple, one person has to be the one to start the upswing, if it’s ever going to happen. It’s so easy to blame your partner and expect him to “give in” first, it’s a lot more difficult to decide to work on yourself first. But it has been SO good for my marriage since I started Just Being Nicer to my husband. I’m nicer to him, he’s nicer to me.
For me, it was about not having such unrealistic expectations. It was about acceptance, and appreciation of who he Is, not dreaming of some ideal husband I wanted him to be. I’m lucky because my husband really is wonderful. But I think lots of people could stand to appreciate their partners more. I say,if you are feeling under-appreciated, then your partner might be as well. So start appreciating more, being nicer. It has certainly made me happier, and as a bonus, he is happier and nicer too.