Like Sara (although many of your posts are hilarious), I feel like many of my posts are negative. I’ve never been a Pollyanna type (GAG) but I’ve generally been positive. I’m going to start writing about my sister which will be difficult, sad, and sometimes joyful. I will try to intersperse the posts with cute stories, photos and videos of my twinlets.
I’ve been afraid to write about my sister’s death. I have suppressed my emotions for six years. Sure they bubble to the surface occasionally, but most of the time I pack them away in
a tidy little cupboard in my brain. I’ve always been good at suppression, I rarely cry and I try to stop myself when I do. Hopefully, I can change that.
Lately, the fact that her death has changed me has come up in conversation with several different people. It came up at the end of a wake for our friend Brian. His wife, our good friend Andrea, asked about how Maddy’s death had changed me. I was a bit shaken by the question, and a fair bit drunk at 3 am. John and I have also been discussing how I’ve changed. Then, this past weekend, after Urban Schmooze, I stayed at Jen’s house and we discussed how I’ve changed. Jen has known me all of her life and most of mine. We’ve been close for a lot of that time (there were times that we didn’t see a lot of each other also) so she knows me pretty well. I can’t remember Jen’s exact words but the gist was that I used to be much happier and joyful in my life than I am now.
I’ve known this for a long time. I’ve asked my friend Mary if I was always negative minded and she said I was opinionated and outspoken about issues (in a good way, I think) but positive. I feel like I’ve become more negative. Christine’s post last week also resonated because I often feel the same way. But as I said in my comment, I don’t think it’s largely motherhood. It’s mostly the loss of my sister and the fallout from that (I can’t talk about that part here at all). Add the isolation of living here to that and what you have is a recipe for depression.
There are so many aspects to the loss that I can’t articulate them all yet. Like I just flashed back to asking my friends, Don & Lesley (who had both recently lost a parent), if they believed in an afterlife now. I was hoping that there was one, but I’ve never believed it (not in a religious way). I’m hoping that now that I’ve started, I will be able to continue here and with my friends, old and new.
Now that I’m confronting the change I wonder: What can/should I do about it? I’m a doer so I think, should I get a therapist (expensive and difficult up here).
How have you dealt with major emotional issues, especially if you’ve repressed them.
Here is a video to introduce you to Maddy and our family. Jen had it made for the Celebration of Life fundraiser she organized in December of 2004.
I love this video so much Erin…yes, I finally watched it. What a great loss to lose your sister – as my mother said, if things like cancer didn’t exist, that relationship is likely to be your longest. I hurt for you but I also celebrate for you because so many people don’t know the joy (and the argh …frustration) at having a sister…so as much as losing her is one big massive rip off…from the looks of the video, you made the most of the time you did have together…hugs…
Erin- Thank you for sharing this. Funny that I have now just met you and have never met your sister (but all of us at Um feel a bit of her) but you must have seen the look on my face when I realized she was your sister. This is a loss I cannot comprehend but can imagine. I have no sisters but a BFF who is like one. I am slowly losing my dad and I lost my marriage. Therapy is a beautiful thing and so helpful.
Your video made me cry. I am so sorry for such an enormous loss. Thank you for the brave sharing.
Oh Erhead. My heart is bursting for you! For one, I am SO PROUD of you for doing this!! I know how incredibly hard it is to put oneself out there but especially for you and especially with this. This is absolutely the first step to a happier you!
Also, I agree with Sara, talking about her will help so much. It will purge you of so much of the pain. It will never all be gone but I found acknowledging it, putting it out there and facing it, allowed me to move forward.
Having two sisters, two best friends in the world, I can NOT imagine the loss you have been through. I loved Maddy and I miss her but it doesn’t come close.
Blogging can be so therapeutic and cathartic and supportive. I hope this helps.
Love always, Jen.
Erin – I have to watch that video at home (as I sit at my desk at work) because even though I just met you and didn’t know Maddy – I know that it will wreck me. Since Saturday, I’ve been thinking so much of you guys and how one even begins to deal with the loss of a sister. Your quote is the one that I started my eulogy with to my mother and I firmly believe it.
I spoke to a life coach through work who was discussing how you are born with your personality and it never changes. I challenged him on it because I feel like I’ve changed so much since my mom died and that I’m a very VERY different person than that girl. He claims that no, she’s still there but that priorities and emotions may have shifted. I think what I mean is you’re still there Erin – you have just been dealt a crappy hand and life has shifted for you.
I think you recognizing this is the first step to overcoming it…I know people who have gone through major losses who STILL can’t recognize how they’ve changed. So I honestly think you writing about this is going to be the first step back for you!
Personally, I’ve found talking about my mom alot and reliving things (but not getting stuck in the past) has helped me so much. It has kept her here for me because the quote is true – our relationship is not over. And having Will was a massive step forward for me..I was on the sidelines for awhile but I’m right back in this game of life and you will be soon.
I can’t wait to watch your video…
Thank you so much for sharing this with us, Erin.
I hate giving assvice…but I think maybe talking to someone might really help you, especially since it sounds like you are fairly isolated where you are. I would probably look into what might be covered with your insurance?
Thank you for sharing the video with us. It’s lovely to see all the happy images of the girl I’ve heard so much about.
I thought I’d be able to write about my best friend who passed in July of last year. I wanted to write about it on the anniversary. But I just couldn’t. The closest I got to touching on it was my birthday post (titled “36”)
I started seeing a therapist for grief and anxiety about 6 months after she died. It helped – but only so much. The pain is less visceral. I can think about the good times more often these days.
But every now and then, when I least expect it – I relive all the pain and awfulness of it all over again like it was yesterday.
Wow, Erin. Wow. That quotation by Robert Benchley really sums it up, doesn’t it?
I know about that little cupboard in your brain where you lock away the emotions. Sometimes it helps to not deal with things, and sometimes it holds you back. I guess if you think about it in terms of a relationship, you will need to move on. How best to do it? I don’t have the answer to that, but I know therapy helped me a lot. Yes, incredibly expensive, and much easier to find in a big city, so that may be a challenge for you. Do your benefits cover any of it? My plan covered part of the first visit, and that was it! We’re still probably paying for it (since I charged most sessions to my Visa) but I believe it was a lifesaver for me. There may be some kind of sliding scale or social services supports available, too.
When someone close to you dies, it changes every aspect of your life and all your other relationships, so you can see the consequences rippling outwards. In the end, I decided I needed to address the impact my emotions were having on the other people around me (essentially my kids). I still have a long way to go, and it’s been a while since I looked in that little cupboard, too. There are many of us on this journey of loss…we can all wrap our (virtual) arms around each other for support during the hard times, and share the joyous memories.
Loved the slideshow. So wonderful to have those joyful images of Madeleine to remember her by again. I still miss her and think of her all the time. ***HUGS***