Multiple Birthings

This is a happy story of two healthy girls born vaginally and a grieving story of not getting the birthing experience I wanted.

Before I was pregnant, or even thinking of getting pregnant, I knew I wanted a home birth with midwives.  I wanted a calm, peaceful environment and I wanted to be able to move around and deliver in the most comfortable position for me.  It was a very romantic image. 

As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I phoned the midwives to get on the list, they were very busy (there are few of them around up here) and would do their best to fit me in.  When I found out, seven weeks into the pregnancy, I was having twins I knew that my dream birth was no longer a possibility.  I had to find an OB because midwives in Ontario aren’t allowed to take multiple birth cases.  So the search was on.  I called the OB/GYN for other issues.  His secretary made me an appointment (a few months away, wtf)  then called me a few days later to say he would not take my case because it was too risky.  Then, a few months later, she called me to give me s*@t for missing my appointment.  I finally found a doctor in Sudbury, a two hour drive from my home.  I could have looked north of here, but the hospital doesn’t have a level 2 NICU so I decided to stay near the technology.  The whole time I was getting more anxious because I was researching like crazy and knew I had to find out the type of twinning.

My pregnancy was largely uneventful, except for all the traveling.  I seemed to know more about twin to twin transfusion than my OB, but he had sent me to Dr. Barrett in Toronto and was following his prenatal care plan.  We decided that I should be induced at 37 weeks.  I would have liked to hold out until I went into labour but I had read that twin to twin transfusion can happen any time, even late in the pregnancy, even during delivery (the Dr. had never heard of that and to be fair, it’s rare).  I also was convinced to have an epidural just in case baby B (Sophie) turned after baby A (Fiona) was born  and an C-Section became necessary.

So, into the hospital I went, the doctor rubbed some gel on my cervix (to start it opening) and off I went shopping and for lunch.  At one pm I was back and he put me on the drip.  As labour progressed (quickly it seemed) I was unable to move around because I was hooked up to monitoring machines.  I was n a daze, trying to breathe through all the contractions which seemed realy intense.  Eventually the anastesiologist came and inserted the epidural.  It looks bad but it was fine (I have a high tolerance for medical procedures).  After that, John and mom decided to get some dinner.  While they were gone the nurse came in to check on me and I was at 10 cm.  At that point the nurses seemed to panic a bit and were rushing around trying to get me prepped and to the OR.  Yes, the OR.  A very medical, sterile environment in which to have the most life altering, amazing experience of your life.  John and Mom came back as they were wheeling me away and they both quickly changed into scrubs and masks.

In the OR they transferred me to a very high, very narrow operating table under the big lamps.  Not modern lamps like on Grey’s Anatomy, but the old fashioned huge stainless steel operating lamp.  All the other lights were on to.  The walls, floors and ceilings were all tiled.  It was very cold, figuratively, not literally.  Mom and John made it in and I started to push (this was all very fast).  There were two nurses there “encouraging” me but it was the worst kind of coaching.  The nurse told me to hold my breath while I pushed, I really wanted to breathe through the contractions and pushing but the nurse yelled at me, “don’t breathe, you’re wasting your energy”.  I was too spaced out to argue and I tried to hold my breath.  It felt really wrong though and I quickly reverted to breathing.  The Dr. was hanging around the periphery, looking at charts, until the very last second when he came along to catch the babies.  The “others” all came in at this point.  Two NICU nurses, the pediatrician, the anastesiologist and few others, residents maybe, I can’t remember.

The nurses pushed my legs way back and Fiona was born.  She cried immediately and the Dr. declared, “She’s a fiesty one”.  The nurse put her on my chest but I felt really stoned and out of it so I didn’t grab her right away.  It was kind of dangerous because I was really high (literally and figuratively), the bed was narrow and she was slippery.  The nurse (same one) yelled, “Hold on to her, you’re going to drop her”.  Then they took her to look her over.  She was very small so they hooked her up to machines and took her to the NICU. 

Then, eight minutes later, Sophie was born.  This time they didn’t put her right on my chest.  They took her, weighed her, did the apgar test on her, put the silly goo in her eyes (I forgot to ask them not to), swaddled her, and then I got to hold her.  I tried to nurse right away but she was very sleepy and not really interested.  I’m pretty sure it’s because she was stoned on the epidural like I was.   We were cleaned up and returned to my room.  Except Fiona.

 Although the Pediatrician said she was healthy, she was too small for the regular ward and she had to stay in the NICU.  The first night they brought her to me a few times to try to feed but after that they didn’t.  Sophie slept most of that night but I couldn’t sleep, I lay there running over the birth events in my head and thinking about what would have happened if Fiona had fallen onto the tiles.  It was the beginning of my grieving process.  It took me quite awhile to get over the birth experience.  I know I’m so lucky to have delivered them both vaginally with no complications but I had to grieve the loss of the birth experience I wanted.  Even now, writing about it, I get a little upset.  Not a lot, but a little.  Since then, the Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists has changed their recommendations about breech delivery.  I highly recommend that anyone who is pregant with twins read the recommendations.

I’ve been organizing our house lately and I came across the Pediatricians report on Fiona.  One part caught my eye again.  He said that my OB said there was no indication that she had IUGR (Intrauterine Growth Restriction) and weight discordancy between the two.  But that’s not true.  Every ultrasound for the last month showed that.  The techs always told me their weights.  Now I wonder if the Dr. read those ultrasounds and I think I should have spoken up about it.  It’s all OK but it’s a lesson in the self-advocacy we need to stay healthy in the system.

 Here is a youtube video created by a woman I met online on a yahoo group called APMultiples.  AP stands for Attachment Parenting.  She collected stories and images of people who delivered their multiples vaginally.  It’s kind of long but I’m the second Erin in the video.

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 Stay tuned for a NICU, hospital stay and breastfeeding installment.