My oldest wants a facebook account.
Ugh. I knew this was coming, I just didn’t think it would be before her tenth birthday (which is near the end of October this year).
Before we go any further, I guess I should be upfront with you and let you know that I’m not sure which way to go on this one. Part of me is screaming NO WAY YOU’RE GETTING A FACEBOOK ACCOUNT! But another part of me thinks it’s possibly not that big of a deal.
Here’s what the two sides of me have to say on the matter.
the NO WAY! point of view:
- First off, facebook themselves ask that persons under age 13 don’t create an account.
- Pervs and stalkers could find my kid online.
- My kid could have access to all kinds of inappropriate content through friends and their links.
- I live on facebook myself. Do I want my kid seeing all the stuff I like or that I’m a fan of? Like “Moms Who Need Wine”, for instance? Not really.
the why not? point of view:
- Apparently 3/4 of the kids in her class already have facebook access, so it seems to be somewhat the norm. And since I can’t fall back on what my own parents did in this situation (because, obviously, this situation didn’t exist when I was ten) I do often rely on what the other parents of kids the same age are doing for some sense of the “norm”.
- I can monitor her usage (I would insist on knowing her password so that I could check in daily).
- I can monitor her friends (with aforementioned password). I can also set rules about friends, such as “you can only be facebook friends with people you already know in real life”.
- I don’t have to be her facebook friend. It might even be embarrassing for her. They key thing is to have her password, so I can be sure she’s not getting exposed to anything inappropriate or dangerous.
See, I think this is (like the mobile phone debate) something of a new challenge for us 21st-century parents. And it’s a challenge that isn’t going to get any easier. When we were kids, our parents could often rely on tried-and-true rules and guidelines when making their parenting decisions. There were not nearly so many new technological advances when I was a kid. I mean sure, we got cable, but it’s not like my parents didn’t have TV when they were growing up. They just needed to decide what shows we could watch (way easier, since the only shows we were interested in watching were on Saturday mornings!) and how much time was reasonable to watch.
Parents today have to contend with mobile phones, iPods, computers, electronic games, the internet, facebook…and in the next 5 years there will be 20 new things to think about that we can’t even imagine right now. And while I don’t tend to be a techno-phobe (some of my friends say “no” to all things tech simply on principle), I also think that access to lots of these things needs to be carefully thought out and considered. Not least because there are other kids out there who will no doubt cite the example of my daughter when asking their parents for [insert technological device/service here]. That’s how the mobile phone snowball got stared in my daughter’s group of friends. First one girl got one, then a second, then I got one for Charlotte, and since then two more of her friends have got them. Which begs the question: if the first girl hadn’t got one, would we be where we are now? To quote Aslan (yes, we watched Prince Caspian last night) “we can never know, little one”.
Geez, ya know, I never thought I’d be the one to say this, but sometimes I wish this world would just slow down a little bit!
I’m an 11 years old kid in indonesia, i join facebook since 9 years old, facebook is fun to play, my parents didn’t disallow me to use facebook, kids that have facebook should know the risk of having facebook account, because something unwanted can happend, parents should tell their kids the risk if they want to have facebook account.
I think a few key things could really help you in monitoring the situation. One, always have the computer in a public room in the house. No laptops in the bedroom where your child can surf unattended. Two, always set up the passwords, accounts, and access for your kids. They have to come to you to use the computer – it’s a privilege, not a right. Three, get online monitoring software. There’s a software called Maxx (I believe) that Dateline and many other places recommend. It protects your child from online predators and blocks them from known predatory sites. Four, have an honest talk with your child. Explain your concerns and that you want to make sure they’re as safe as they can be. They will understand about online predators and the harm that they could innocently make happen. And five, only allow them to friend, chat, and interact online with people they know in real life. That’s a deal breaker – don’t compromise on that. You have every right to check their friends’ list and ask about people you don’t know. Or check their profile to see the connect they have to your child.
You can relax some of these as they get older and learn safer habits online but a lot of this is you training your child how to enjoy online social networking in a safe way. Honest conversations and good guidelines will make all the difference.
There is a great programme you can install on your childs computer. It id
FREE – McGruff.com
It will enable you to check off things you do not want your child to use: ie:
website, bad language etc.
You are sent a report ( summary ) of you childs daily usage. Word for word if you wish.
Grand children have FB accounts some have been suspended by FB perhaps because of them being under 13. After creating their accounts and having scored points they were upset when the accounts disappeared. They mainly played games on their accounts. The games are geared for children. Pet Society for example is cartoon pets they create.
Lyzabeth, as you said, some kids set up an account without their parents knowing about it. Would it not be better to know about it and be able to monitor it?
My 10 year old son is begging to be on facebook as well. I believe the lesson here is to teach them to follow the rules. Facebook does not allow anyone under 13 to have an account so therefore that is the rule we follow. I am definitely not afraid of technology but there are rules for a reason and unless you are willing to sit down next to your child every time they are on the account then you have no idea what they will say. I have already heard and seen too many bad situations involving kids on facebook….bullying, name calling, etc. There are far too many other wonderful things your child can be doing at this age.
Being a mom of kids 5, 19, 20,22, I have grown through the days of my space and facebook arguments, as well as seen what these sites can do to a child publicly. I didn’t allow any of my kids to have these sites until they were 16. And, I have to say that as far as my 5 year old goes…she won’t be allowed to then either. Just because their friends have and do doesn’t mean our kids need to…in addition, you would be surprised at how many kids have these accounts and parents don’t even know they do. Not only is it about what nut job can find them…it’s also about what other kids can say and do on them..if they aren’t on it, then they can not be part of the feed with it. My kids didn’t die from not being allowed on these sites, as a matter of fact, I’m glad I held my ground as I watched several of their friends who were, either get very hurt feelings or end up in a fight in school b/c of something someone posted that they otherwise would not have had the nerve to say face to face.
I think that the statement that “3/4 of the kids in her class already have an account” would be the worst reason to actually let her have an account. How do you know that 3/4 of the kids in her class have an account? Although I am sure your daughter never lies (or streches the truth), in my experience kids will say anything to get their parents to do what they want.
Even if it is true, it most likely got that way because parents decided to make their decision based on the initial decision of just one parent. Suzy got an account so then her freind Jen was allowed to get an account and so on? So in essence, Suzy’s moms gets to decide if my kids gets a FB account?
For me it comes down to the FB policy. There is a real saftely and legal issue that exists that makes them put a statement online saying that they do not recommend kids under 13 register for a FB account. That safety and legal issue is going to have been based on some real life experience that someone had. I hate to think about what that is.
This is your daughter and her safety. It can only be your decision. Don’t let it be Suzy’s moms decision. In this instance I think FB probably knows better than Suzy’s mom.
The good thing about Facebook is that you can really limit the information that people see. You can have it set up so that people can’t message her unless they’re friends, you can have it so that people can’t see her information unless they are friends (even then you can have categories so you can have different settings for each group). I believe there is even an option to make it so that people can’t search for her as well.
My husband and I are totally not afraid of technology. My daughter, who will be 3 at the beginning of October, will come onto my laptop and start up Playhousedisney.ca and start playing her games. She’ll go onto our Iphones and start playing the apps that she likes (we have lots of learning apps on our phones for her as well as just ‘fun’ ones). We even bought her a Leapster Explorer and a drop/freeze/water/dirt proof camera for her to play with.
I can understand the worry about pervs out there. You wouldn’t believe the things I worried about when I let my daughter run naked through the sprinkler this year, however, I think if you’re involved and set down some rules everything will be fine.
The only concern I would have is if she started playing Farmville or any of those other apps where you need ‘neighbours’ is that she would start adding people she doesn’t know to get more neighbours. Also, another thing to think about is if one of her real life friends is posting inappropriate things then how do you deal with that? If she’s forced to delete them as a facebook friend that will cause problems in real life as well.
It’s scary as parents to let our kids grow up and become independent.
My 3 older children have facebook (12 – 14 yrs) but my 10 year old has yet to ask. I have the passwords for all of my kids as well as being fb friends with all of them. I have set all of their settings so that they are not searchable on fb or the web and only friends can see them. They have the same rule you mentioned…they are only allowed to be friends with someone they know in the real world and I ask them quite often…(who is this and where do you know them from?).
My 12 year old really only uses fb for it’s games whereas the older 2 are very social and it is an extension of MSN and texting. As far as embarassing them by being their friend, most of my kid’s friends have added me as well so I don’t think that would be an issue. There are some of their friends on facebook that have been told no fb by a parent. Given the 2 choices, I would rather know and monitor than have my child hide it from me.
If and when my 10 year old asks, I will definitely let her have an account…under the same rules as above.
I agreed to let my (almost) 12 yr old and 9 yr get FB accounts. I created them. I also created the password.
I have them as friends, but NOT their friends. (Their friends have requested, I just reply with a nice comment that, “I don’t ‘friend’ my daughters friends. sorry” Done. The girls can see what I write, if they want.
The oldest lives on FB when she visits her dad/his fiance. Here, hardly ever. The 9 yr old could care less. lol
I see who they add as friends. If there is someone I don’t know, I ask who they are.
So, if you control how much they use the computer, what they can view (and who can view them) go for it. (I have their settings set so that no one but friends can view/request their friendship on FB. Basically, the person requesting would have to be friends with someone they are).
I find your comment about not wanting to friend her interesting… maybe friending helps both parent AND child keep their posts more appropriate for a general audience… which might be a good thing. Hmm… I’m not sure… something to cogitate on.
I cant say whether you should or shouldnt let her……….. just that once she does get Facebook literate what would stop her from opening an account you dont know about? Easy to have a hotmail or gmail account set up and easy to have multiple Facebook accounts.
Your daughter very well may listen and follow any and all rules to put down but Facebook is easy to manipulate using nicknames and privacy settings. Maybe Im implying more what teens would/can do but just be aware .
I agree that this is not something we can rely on our parent’s parenting to help us out. My 11 year-old has not been interested in fb yet because none of his friends are on. He does have a cell phone but it is not a gadget. There are rules and parameters around its usage that he has to abide by. It is a new responsibility. It is a way I can reach him that was not available when I was a child so I can’t look to my parent’s choices there.
I say, trust your gut. This is a great way to introduce her to social networking while you still have some control and influence. If she is accepting of the rules and understands the boundaries, go for it.
Our kids live in a totally different world than we did. Being competent and knowledgeable in this area can only be a positive.
Let us know what you decide!
I thought that I should say, the above is what I would do, not what I expect you or anyone else to do. We all make our own decisions about these things for our own reasons.
I watch my niece and nephew open a huge pile of birthday or Christmas presents, toss the item aside for the next and at the end look around for more. So, I’m trying to avoid that in our family, minimize the toys and gadgets.
I think I’d be more willing to let her have a fb account than a cell phone. I think it’s because a cell phone just seems like another toy to me. Yet one more expensive item in many kids toybox full of expensive and overloaded lands of stuff.
We managed to get home after school, or go to a friends without the phone and I think our kids can too. My step-daughters didn’t get phones until they were 20 and 18 respectively, and they bought their own phones, we refused as we feel they are unnecessary. The kids can call from their friends’ land line after all.
I think facebook is OK because it’s a way to socialize and it keeps them current with technology. I do think that it would have to be monitored. I also think that all screen time should be limited. For example, you have one hour per day (weekdays), choose if you want that to be TV, computer time or video game time. The rest of the time, get outside and play something active, create crafts, engage in imaginary play, etc. You get the picture.
There are me 2 cents. Tough decision.
Gosh, I wish I had some advice or experience but my little one is only 19 months and although she already can get on her Dad’s iPhone and access different apps she likes she doesn’t ‘get’ any of it yet. I am so frightened of all these things for her because we just can’t related not having had it at their age. I do really like your idea of knowing the password. It is all about still having some involvement in order to assist and advice within all the new experiences she has. Good luck and I look forward to what others think.